Let the bodies hit the floor

   I should have expected this. As soon as I entered my grandmother's house on Monday, I started eating. A lot. And the same shit happened the entire week.

   Long story short, I threw up twice last week (for the first time this year) and also cut (for the first time in more than one month). I felt like such a disappointment. I gained back all the weight. 5 days of not eating, 2 days of eating almost like a normal person, and BANG! I gained everything back in just a few days. I took lax today.

   Yesterday I went to the gym with the suicidal girl. My body looks better than hers. She's pretty unfamiliar with how one should behave in a gym. She was chewing gum, hair was coming into her face, she was sitting on different machines and not doing anything. And she had to take down her jacked, so all of her cuts and burns were visible. Of course, not a single person gave her a weird look. Not a single person. The hell.

   I'm starting to like her less and less. She's so dramatic, she thinks that no one in this world has it worse than her.

Chanelle: "There are worse cases."
Girl: "Oh, really. Yeah, sure, worse cases."
Chanelle: "There are parents who kill their kids or throw them out in the street. You have food and shelter, at least."

   I wasn't saying her situation wasn't bad. No, it is bad, worse than mine. I feel bad and arrogant for saying this, but I am so much better than her. She's an okay person, but I hate people who complain ALL DAY LONG, who are lazy, who blame people for no reason etc. Also, like I said in the previous post, I hate ignorant people like her mother. "She said she'd stop. Why didn't she just stop?" Oh, sure! Let's find an anorexic and tell her to eat a sandwich, THAT'S THE CURE. This kind of people should have their heads cut off (not people like the girl, but like her mother). But that doesn't mean I agree with the girl's behavior. It must be really hard for her, I know. My therapist said I used to be parasuicidal, but she is the high-risk kind of suicidal. Blah. I never ever complained to my friends and I'm glad I didn't. She is just pushing people away. Including me.

   My little best friend saw some scars on my abdomen. I told her they were old. She never mentioned them again. Actually, they were made in December. Who cares.

Pftttchh

   I must admit, eating yesterday felt incredibly weird. I got used to it after a while and ended up eating normal-ish. Thank God I didn't overeat, or anything else that could have made me feel awful. This morning I was so dizzy, that I had to lie on the floor a bit after getting out of bed. I am usually dizzy but add five days of not eating to that and this is what you get. A Chanelle lying on the floor.

   I am not sure whether I should share this kind of stuff anymore or not. There are people who envy my behavior and want to stop eating because, well, "that lucky skinny bitch went five days without food." No, no one said it THAT way. Which is why I ask -- would it be better if I kept this stuff to myself? This is no "Omg its my blog and i dont even have the freedom to write whatever i want" situation, I'm just thinking that it's maybe not good for other people to read these things. On the other hand, I also have a weird feeling every time I talk about not eating, cutting etc. I feel like I am bragging or something, which I'm definitely not.
Enlighten me!

   I don't know if I said this before, but my ex texted me on Friday and asked me to go out sometime (as friends of course). I agreed and asked him if he could come today. Because he might be coming, I arranged with a friend (the only one who knows about him) to meet me tonight and after that I'll go see him if he can come. He never is and never has been sure whether he could meet me or not. I'm hoping for the best.

   The suicidal girl I went to the ER with wants to run away from home. She is now seeing my therapist. My mother called her and said "She promised not to cut anymore. Why did she do it?" -- Woman, just tell me, how stupid are you?! Do you expect a cutter to "just" stop?! I was so angry. To be continued.

Hunger

   I haven't eaten since *drum roll* Sunday. Despite that, I have consumed liquids: milk, coffee, hot chocolate. My energy level is not very low, but my therapist, who saw me yesterday, said I looked pale and tired. I shouldn't, but I am happy that I didn't eat. It makes me feel accomplished, fulfilled. I am getting more tired by the minute. I will go to bed as soon as I finish this post. I am going to eat tomorrow.

   It's the first time this week that I'm feeling hungry. Well, not necessarily hungry, but like "something" is missing. Super-smart me, I took 3 laxatives earlier today. I am expecting pain, exhaustion and poor sleep tonight.

   Of course, I lost weight. During the holidays, except for when I was with my friends, I managed to control my intake a bit. That means, not snacking all day long. Which is a good thing. My BMI is 20.2 I lost 1.5 kg (3-4 pounds) this week.

   To be honest, I feel a bit guilty for writing this on my blog. I know it is read by people trying to lose weight, eating disordered people, people trying to recover from an ED or just ordinary people who are not concerned about their body and weight. I am not saying that not eating is good. It is, actually, an unhealthy thing which can lead to death - I am aware of this. However, I am not sure why I am doing it. Other than seeing my body and the number on the scale change, there is also this tiredness I get after a few days of not getting enough calories - the kind of tiredness I feel after a hard workout. (By the way, I also went to gym on Tuesday. I only exercised for 1h-1.5h, maybe, but it was enough to make me dizzy) It is the Wonderland I am traveling to. I'm in this parallel world, you see, where nothing is real anymore, where I hide food from my dad, pretend I ate it, then give it to my friends the next day - my friends who don't suspect a single thing.

   What I'm trying to say is, I'm not recommending this to anyone. It is one of the most used cliches, but exercise and a healthy diet will help you lose weight. Like I said above, my goal is not only to lose weight, but to achieve a certain physical and mental state (Wonderland). I feel like I can't breathe anymore.

Back to school

(this post was supposed to appear on Monday... I think there was an error or something :-/)

   School has started again for me and I've already got a lot of homework to do. I can't say I'm complaining, because keeping myself busy also keeps me away from food - which I know I shouldn't be happy about, but I am. My ex didn't call/text me on my birthday and, despite being upset then, I'm ok with it now. He doesn't owe me anything, does he?

   I have no idea why, but my mood was super-high today, at least in the afternoon. I was walking outside and went past the places I used to go to with my ex: the 10-floor block (yep, the roof of it, making jokes that I was going to jump, only to make him pull me closer to him), the alley between two houses and so on. However, I don't think that that was the reason of my happiness. I think it was the weather. I usually feel euphoric as soon as spring begins, but dammit, we're in January! Despite that, I wasn't freezing or anything, so that's probably why I was feeling very good.

   I feel that I have a strong connection with the nature. Though it usually doesn't make me feel anything negative, there are very many times when I just want to run to Mother Nature and giver her a hug. I love the rain. I love the sunrises and sunsets during summer - even if it's the season I dislike the most. And I love days like today: spring- or autumn-ish, a bearable temperature, not too warm, not too cold, the wind through my hair, the fresh air, the sun hidden between the clouds, but not necessarily behind them.

   There's some bad news, too. Well, I don't mind this thing very much, but it would've been better if it didn't happen -- or not?! My dad has restricted my internet access to one hour per day. Since his laptop is out of order now, there's no reason for him to turn on the wireless for more than one hour. Although one hour per days seems very little to me, I now have a LOT more time to read and do things for myself. The internet kind of steals away my time, I have figured. Since I only have one hour, I am trying to make the best of it, doing the important things first: reading blogs/writing on my blog, checking e-mails, facebook updates (oh yesss, extremely important) and also watching the Friends show. I have seen a lot of episodes a few years ago, but now I'm taking it seriously and watching every. single. episode. Because I love the show. :)

   I wish everyone a nice day/evening and hope that you are all well.

Random... or not. Not at all.

   Well. 16 hours until I'm "born." Today's my birthday and my mom said I'll have a surprise later in the evening.

   I have been downloading Sims 2 custom content for a few hours - not the game won't start. I'm clicking and clicking and aaaaahh! I hope the custom content didn't super overload the laptop. If it eventually decides to start, I'll probably be playing all night long.

    Aaaand guess what I did today! I went to gym! It wasn't that bad after all. I received a few stares, but I think I only noticed them because I was so anxious - they weren't anything meaningful.

   What can I say.. All I'm doing now is replying to Facebook "happy b-day" wishes from people I never talk to. Plus my History teacher. God, he's an awesome dude, but when it comes to teaching.. go home, sir! I also got a "happy b-day" from the girl who, during my relationship with my ex, asked him to be with her. And of course, he refused. They're still friends. To be super honest, I can't wait for him to call or text me today. That would be the greatest gift.. I texted him on his birthday. We've also talked a few days ago. Since we broke up, he's changed a lot. He's clubbing and drinking and has made a looot of new friends.

   Like I told the 24-year-old guy I met on the net (who keeps flirting with me despite having a girlfriend...), I have a "something" that keeps people down on earth. I used to be friends with a girl, she's doing drugs now. There are 2 or 3 girls in my class, we used to be friends, now everyone (including me) thinks they are stupid, attention-seeking bitches. Sorry. My friend (whom I've also met on the net), the girl who used to be my BEST friend, the one who's moved to London.. she's now more whorish and stupid and attention-seeking and blowjob-ing than ever. My ex is clubbing and drinking and so on (aaand he almost got in trouble with the police). Who's next? :)

   I think that'll be all. I reaaally, really hope that Sims 2 will finally load ;( It makes me sad. supa' sad. Have a nice day, everyone!

Gym anxiety

   It has been at least 4 hours since I've started thinking whether I should go to gym today or not. There are so many people there most of them are men. And I'm a girl, younger than them. I feel like I don't feel there. I wish I could do something on my own, like go running outside. I am so scared.

   And if I don't go, I will feel super guilty. I can do crunches and so on at home, but what about cardio? I can't run around my room! I'm so, so scared. What should I do? I don't want to feel guilty, no, but I'm also frightened of seeing those people again. If I don't go, they'll think I'm lazy and have no motivation. On the other hand, I'm going to gym for myself, not for the other people, so it shouldn't be a problem if I exercise at home.

   I am scared and confused and I want to hide under my bed. I don't know what to do. I don't fit there, but what else can I do? It's winter and I can't run outside, and it's going to be cold outside for another 3-4 months. My fear has never been so intense, I don't why it's happening today. Instead of doing my homework  or reading or painting or doing anything productive, I'm stuck in front of my laptop, doing nothing. I didn't go to gym yesterday, either. I don't want to go, but that makes me a lazy, unmotivated ass. I feel like crap.

  I don't even like the gym. Because it's full of people. I can't believe I'm really having this problem. Fear of people. I want to hit my head against a wall. I won't have the time to exercise at home. I'll do other things that don't even matter and there will be no time for me to exercise properly.

   TIME. I need more time and I don't have it. This is the third week of the winter holidays. I have accomplished so little so far. In fact, I've done most of the things I had to do, but they were school related stuff. I barely did anything for myself, which is why I feel I've been wasting all this time.

   Fear, fear, fear. I'm not going to gym. nonono. Not until next week. I'm seeing my therapist tomorrow, I will talk to her about this issue, I find it incredibly weird that my fear is so intense now. It's not like I feel fat and that gives me a reason to be embarassed to go. I've actually lost a pound since yesterday. AAAAAaasdfghjmhgfds. My entire body is itching and I have to wiggle wiggle my fingers because I can't stand still. I want to run until I reach the end of this damn planet.

   I should go now. I'll do some homework, maybe it'll calm me down.

   I hate Chemistry, I hate it and I don't understand it and I've got problems to solve. I've done 5 so far but I didn't know how to do them, so I looked up the answers at the end of the book. I am stupid. Even if I finished this semester with a 9.73 average. I feel like I have lice in my hair since yesterday.

Dream guy

   This is the last week of winter vacation, so I'm trying to make the best of it. I am reading 4 books: Shakespeare's Complete works (over 1000 pages, dammit!), Persuasion by Jane Austen, The Writer's Source Book and anther book on body language. You can check them here.

   I also hope I'll manage to paint some more.

   There's been something on my mind for about 2 weeks. Something happened during one of the last days of the last year. I had a dream. There was this tall, black-haired guy. He had some facial hair, which made him look sexier. I can't remember what he looked like anymore - but for a couple of days, I knew exactly what he looked like. He could also play the guitar. The best thing about the entire thing is that he was my boyfriend. He didn't look anything like my ex. The moment I woke up, I realized that I had just fallen in love with a stranger. I have never seen anyone like him, but, despite that, after 2 weeks, I am still in love with that guy and literally can't get my mind off him.

   Two days ago, I had another dream. With my ex. I was at home, he was at (his) home. He gave me a call and said "I miss you. I really miss you." It was very strange, because he said those words in English, and he dislikes English and is not good at it. I said sure, we could go out or something. Everything was set up, we were supposed to meet somewhere (a pretty romantic place in my city, it is on a hill and you can see the entire city from there) at noon. My thoughts while I was still dreaming: "This is real, this is finally real. I've been having dreams of this moment for such a long time and now it's finally here." I woke up before we met. My thoughts as I woke up: "It is real. This is real, I can't believe it's happening. He said he misses me. Oh no - oh wait. It was a dream. No, no, no. It CAN'T be a dream! Argh!" I was pretty mad.

   Even if they are somehow upsetting once I wake up, these dreams make me feel okay for a few minutes. For a few minutes, I am in Wonderland, where anything can happen. But then it all goes away.

   Just a few days left until my birthday. It's on Friday. I'll go read now.

Hello, goodbye.

   Hello.

   I wish everyone a happy, fulfilling 2013. The last few days were a hell for me. I spent them surrounded by 40-50 people, 15-20 of them were kids. Annoying kids who listened to crappy music, bragged that they "didn't read a single book this year" and so on. I was the idol of a 12-year-old girl (who hates reading and listens to crappy music), and a 10-year-old boy also seemed to like me. My brother kept swearing and saying that he was gay. He's 8. So he obviously doesn't know what that is, but hey, it's a "dirty" word, so it is cool to say it.

   Three hours before 2013, I was bent over the sink, the toothbrush in my right hand, my blouse on the bathroom floor, my hair up - I was purging. Three hours before the New Year, I was purging (oh, and reading). What an awesome way to spend the evening...

   At 15 to midnight, we went outside, watched the fireworks. As the clock struck twelve, everyone was kissing and hugging everyone. I hate that. After that, we went inside and ate. At 1 o'clock, I was with the 12-year-old girl, trying not to bitchslap her*, and commenting on Stacy's blog.

*I can't stand kids who try to act cool, who think they've been through life and know how things work in this world. She was talking on facebook with some guy, saying that she "didn't get drunk." Of course you didn't get drunk, what did you drink all night, Pepsi?! Also, she borrowed me the Vampire Diaries book. I read 100 pages the entire day and, to be honest, didn't really like it. But this didn't bother me that much. Do you know what bothered me? She said, "I didn't sleep all night. I went to sleep at 5. I read, like, 70 pages of Vampire Diaries - from 30 to 100 or something like that." Okay, I thought. But guess what? As I was reading the book (I got to page 120), I noticed that, after the 30th page, the pages were perfectly untouched. How dare she LIE to me?! I didn't judge her for not reading, but for LYING. Pshhh.

   Other than that, the blog is one year old today! Weeee!

   I'm getting started on "Persuasion" by Jane Austen and "Shakespeare - Complete Works"

   And I'm leaving tomorrow with my two best friends and my family - we're going to Bucharest. My birthday's on the 11th of Jan and I wanted to celebrate it there, at my mom's house.

   Goodbye.

Happy Holidays! :)

   Hello there, people who might be still reading my blog.

   This time of the year is very hard for me, because it involves food. Tons and tons of food, so I have to purge and take laxatives. Great. I have also received a bunch of nice gifts... but that's not what I want to talk about in this post.

   I have a classmate who is depressed and suicidal. Long story short, she's seeing a crappy therapist, her mom doesn't give her the pills the way she should, and she's been pretty much physically and emotionally abused.

   We had a German class together on Wednesday (yesterday). She told me she couldn't write because she had a deep cut on her arm. She showed it to me - yes, it was deep. You could see the muscle. It didn't scare me though, because I am used to that kind of cuts. Some of mine looked a bit like that, but they were smaller. Nevermind. So I convinced her to let me take her to the ER, she needed stitches. After the class was over, my mom took us to the ice rink and left. This girl then told me that we can't go to the ER, because they'll send her to the psych ward. I was desperate and my heart had been racing for the past three hours. So, the next thing we did was go into a pharmacy. I bought some Betadine and bandages. We went into a Cafe, walked straight to the bathroom and "fixed" her. It was pretty useless, but it was all I could do.

   I talked to her last night. She was suicidal, crying and so on. I convinced her AGAIN to go to the ER with me. We met today around 2 PM. We went to the hospital and she went to see a doctor. I waited outside. They called her parents. Her parents came. Her abusive father didn't say a word to me, but her slightly saner mother thanked me. Then her father started being mean and rude to her. I waited until she and her mother went to see the doctor again. I had to leave after that.

   We knew that she would end up in the psych ward. We knew that the entire situation will suck even more after her parents find out.

   I called her a few hours after that. She told me they didn't send her to the psych ward. They stitched her cut. Her father was obviously an ass and restricted her internet access. He's an alcoholic and so on, the girl has been living in an unhealthy environment for years.

   Then, someone else called me. The German teacher. She's a 30-something, just married, nice woman. She and her husband are family friends with the girl's parents and they see each other and talk often. The teacher knows about the girl's "issues." She asked me a few things, I did my best to make her understand the girl better. A few  minutes after that, I talked to the girl again. Surprisingly, she said that the teacher knows I'm cutting, too. I was incredibly surprised! It doesn't necessarily bother me, as long as she doesn't talk to me or to anyone else about it.

   I hope the girl will be alright..

   I have been cut-free for a week. Before that, I was cut-free for 2 or 3 weeks. I'm getting better. My birthday's in two weeks, but I'm celebrating it with my best friends next week. We're going to Bucharest, where my mom recently moved. I can't wait.

   I hope you guys are ok! :) I wish you a happy New Year!

Joy

   I have been feeling so much happier lately. I don't know why. Winters are usually cold, depressing, dark and so on. everything is much better this winter.

   To be honest, I think my eating behavior and my mom's leaving had a huge impact on my feelings. The house is a very quiet place without her. The relationship with my parents hasn't ceased to be deteriorated, it's not getting better, but at least the house is silent, there's silence. Holy silence...

   As for my eating disorder, well... I am back to food-free days, followed by binge-days where I purge 3 pounds or so at a time. Extremely fun, what can I say? thing is, I'm losing weight. And I'm empty. Oh God, my weight is not that much of a problem. It's the "progress" that I make. Weight loss is seen as an incredibly positive thing in our society, which is why it makes me happy. I know that I am at a healthy BMI, but my eating patterns help me reach a peaceful state of mind. There's peace...

   I also started going to gym again.

   I am afraid that this joyfulness won't last for long. My moods keep swinging between extreme high and extreme low and it usually lasts for a few months.. Let's see.

January 2011-May 2011 --> extremely, strangely happy and positive about everything
May 2011 --> onset of depression and ED
September 2011 --> had a perfect relationship with my ex, very happy
October 2011 --> started going to therapy
October 2011-June 2012 --> my condition kept getting worse
June 2012 --> ex and I broke up
June 2012-August 2012 --> summer of depression and suicidal thoughts and pill-taking and wrist-cutting
August 2012-November 2012 --> gradually feeling better, cutting decreased significantly, eating disorder issues increased
November 2012-present --> feeling very good, nearly no cutting, but going days without food and still binging and purging, plus taking laxatives.

   Where am I going?