I simply can't find any time or motivation to blog anymore. I'm too busy with throwing up, taking laxatives, eating, sleeping, doing homework... lots of it. I feel so miserable. How did this happen? You'd think that an eating disorder - which does not include binging, only purging - would make one thinner, skinny. But I somehow managed to go from 58 kg to 64-65. How did this happen? How? I am disappointed. I am incredibly stressed this year, but really? 7 kg? This is not okay...
On a more positive note, I am going to the National Olympics in German. Again. That means, basically, that I'm the best in German in my entire city. Last year I was the 3rd in the whole country (for my age group). All I have to do is write, there are no grammar exercises. Obviously, you have to have good grammar in order to write a story well.
I miss my old self.
Sunday, March 3, 2013
I went to therapy on Thursday. My therapist said something like "You don't need to be afraid to tell me that you want to stop coming," but I didn't even want to stop. So she said I shouldn't come anymore, if I don't want to. Honestly, I'm feeling a lot better now.
- ED-wise: I'm not weighing myself anymore. And I'm not gaining/losing, either. But the number on the scale is so depressing, that I'd rather skip seeing it. I'm still throwing up and taking laxatives. Bleah. Looking back, I've gained a lot of weight since my ED behavior started. I weighed 58 kilos, starved myself down to 53 (which lasted for.. 2 days) then baaaang, one year and a half later, 63-64 kilos. I think I only got about 1-2 cm taller, but also gained some muscle weight (since I've been going to gym). But STILL, 10 kilos is a fucking lot. I'm not even overweight. Not even chubby. But I want to be stick-thin so, so badly.
- Cutting-wise: I haven't cut lately. Which is okay, I think. I never thought I could let go of this habit. I'm a bit nostalgic now, though I shouldn't. I remember the desperation, all that chaos in my head. The blood flowing, my fingers going numb, having to hide my scars.
- Relationship-wise: I went out with my ex on Thursday. We're getting along well. I've figured out that there's almost no chance that the two of us will get back together... and it hurts. But, recently, a guy from another class (still my year) is flirting with me. And he seems serious about it, he's not playing. I can't wait to see what this entire thing turns into.
Besides that, I'm no longer talking to the guy from Bucharest, the biker. His girlfriend (whom I'm very good friends with) has found out some weird stuff about him... that he threatened his ex with a knife, that he's sexually obsessed (yeah, I've noticed that, too) and some other stuff. I pushed him away. Not to mention that he got his ex and my friend pregnant (not at the same time) and they've both had to have abortions. Whiiich sucks.
This weekend was okay. Not so much homework. I also got a new phone, it's got a touch screen, so I'm having a hard time typing. Otherwise, I love it.
Have a nice day, I hope everyone is doing okay :)