Thursday, August 30, 2012

Bye again?

   Yup! We are going to London. I have a plane in less than 12 hours, at 6 AM. We will get up at 3 AM, might not even sleep. No, I'll sleep. I'll try to.

   My room is finally furnished, I just cleaned my dressing room today.. It took me the entire day, but it was worth it, it is so neat now. I'll post pictures when I come back. Hopefully.

   See you guys soon! :)

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Pretty random, I suppose

   Hey there. Not much has been happening lately. I am on my laptop all day long, I finished a book for school and am currently reading another, still in German. I don't eat very much, my appetite has decreased.. Or maybe I'm just very aware of the guilt I'll feel if I eat. I have been purging, anyways. I have been purging despite not feeling/looking full, but I hate having food inside of me.
   As a kid, I have always been forced to clean my plate, up to a point where I did it because I was used to it. I ate until my stomach hurt, until I was sick. I have always been surrounded by food. My grandma still cooks for us every week. She makes soups, potatoes, rice, beans, sweets, everything. And this has been going on since my parents got married. I hate that she is so thin. Not stick-thin, but I think she weighs around 60-something kilos. Probably more, since I'm around 59 now and compared to me, she is way larger. But still, thin for someone her age. So. She never eats. If she eats, it's a salad in the evening. She has osteoporosis. I have no idea since when she has it, but what if she had an ED in the past, or at least disordered eating? Because, according to my therapist, "now THAT'S what I call anorexia" (about my mom). My grandma might have had slightly disordered eating, my mom probably more severe disordered eating ("Oh my God, I went 4 days with only 2 slices of salami!" Bitch, will you please stop bragging?) and now I am the "lucky" one who has a full Eating Disorder. I don't want to have kids. Or if I have, I want to adopt. Imagine how awesome that would be.
   Anyways. I find it weird. And this random post just turned into a "Family history of EDs" post. I am no longer in the lower 60's in the morning, I am in the lower-mid 59's. or, super-high 50's, if you will.

   Someone, please tie my hands to keep me from purging tonight. I don't want to purge...

   But I can't. Do you know why? Because right after I eat, the food comes back up and I have to spit it out -- vomit. It does not come much, but enough to make me think that hey, this will be easy to purge, LET'S PURGE! Maybe the only solution is to stop eating, then there will be nothing left to come out, but heck, human beings eat. I am a human being. Or used to be.

Sunday, August 26, 2012

A quiz I found on the net

   I found it okay-ish, but the results vere the most interesting. Here they are:

Here is the quiz.
You can find more interesting tests here.

   Take a look and share your opinion :)

Saturday, August 25, 2012

"And everything went better than expected."

   At least if you have a messed up ED-mind, like I do. Or like any ED'ed person has. So, thing is, I've been losing weight recently (past 2-3 days, haha), very very little, but I am very satisfied with it. My appetite has decreased (or the laziness has increased) and I haven't thrown up or used lax (who am I kidding, I just had lax kick in yesterday. At least, no throwing up). Today I have eaten like a "normal person" and had some spaghetti in the evening. It wasn't enough to make me feel bloated, but it was enough to make the scale go up. From the 59.5 I weighed in the morning, I now weighed 60.8, and I have to add I've been drinking a lot more, mostly water. Why? Oh, because I am the Dehydrated Chick who has to lick her own hands because they are so dry.  Wicked, right?
   Ok, back on topic. So, I did not feel bloated and I only looked 5 months pregnant (not 9 month pregnant with triplets like I usually do after eating). I initially didn't even think about purging, but I couldn't resist the temptation. In fact, I could have. I just didn't want to. I went into the bathroom and purged. For some reason, the vomit came out so damn fast and so damn much. I have no idea why, because we rarely eat spaghetti and when we do, I rarely purge them. I was like a vomit waterfall. A vomitfall. After taking a shower and plucking and putting eye drops into my eyes, I weighed myself. 59.5, weight morning. And not everything was purged, meaning I really hope to be somewhere below 59 in the morning. PRETTY PLEASE?! My bmi is almost 20, I don't want that, nonono.
   Do you know what I hate? That I don't have a scale of my own. The one and only scale in the house is located in my mom's bathroom and I always have to walk there to weigh myself. How annoying, especially in the morning, when we all wake up and have to use the bathroom. I always have to wait for her to finish so I can weigh myself, graaaaghjghf.

   End of the post, I wish everyone a good day/night/morning/whatever and I'll see you around soon. ^.^

Friday, August 24, 2012

Lax night and feeling dead

   As the title suggests, I have been on laxatives last night. Before they "kicked in," I was dying because of the heat, was all sweaty and tired and just "blah." Then, sometime early in the morning, I started freezing and had awful cramps. I hid under the blanket and wrapped it around myself the best I could. I was still freezing. I went to the bathroom, but nothing came out. Not yet.. So I returned to my bed (what am I talking, it's just a mattress in an empty room, more on that later*) and covered myself with the blanket. I fell asleep. A few hours later, I wake up still freezing and still shaking and full of cold sweat. I went to the bathroom and.. yeah, you can imagine.  I went to sleep some more after that.
   I woke up at 10 am, home alone. I was so dizzy and so tired and my eyes and head and ears hurt. I got up from the mattress, but did it way too quickly. Which is why, after three seconds of spinning around, I collapsed back on the mattress and closed my eyes. After a few seconds I opened my eyes and the first thought that came to my mind was "Did that really happen? Was it just my imagination, did I dream? How did I get here?" It's always like that. I get up too fast, spin around, can't see anything, feel sick and collapse on whatever is closest to me, preferably something soft like a bed.
   I went downstairs and poured myself two glasses of water: I drank one of them and put the other one in the freezer. As I sipped, it felt so funny to have something in my mouth. I moved my tongue around just to "feel" the water. Next, I went where my book was and only started reading after daydreaming and taking short naps for a few minutes. I read a bit and then.. I can't remember what I did. I know that, a while later, I was on my dad's laptop playing some game and eating an apple. After these last few days, just imagine how much I had to weigh (pun very intended) this situation. "No, don't touch food. But it's just an apple. But then you'll start eating more and more and more and end up binging. No, I won't, it's just an apple, people do eat sometimes, you know? Yes, but you could go a little longer without food, just think about it! Yes, body/mind, but I am so lazy to even eat, so tired and feeling so sick, what makes you think I'll eat more? FINE, GO EAT." So I go into the kitchen, guess what. "Where are those fucking apples?! The only time when I decide to eat and actually feel okay with this idea, there are no damn apples!" I eventually found the last apple left and ate it.

   This was my purely awesomistic day, and it's not even 3 pm yet. Oh, oh! The "*" in the brackets above. I am getting new furniture for my room. I will definitely post pictures, because you know what? I would usually post them on my public blog, but I find it a little unfair to share personal stuff with people that don't know me at all. Fuck dem bitcheeez, I love you guys so much more than I like them! I can be myself here, this is our little dark corner where I speak and you listen and when you feel like it, even make some comments; and then we all pack our stuff and move on to someone else's place and so on. Yes, I'll be sharing the pictures with you guys. The furniture will be blue, different shades of it and some white. My walls are now  white (I'm not going to mention the color they were before..), and one of them will be full of pictures of my choice and hand-written quotes. I used to have something like this before, but it was just a poster on which I wrote. Now I'll have an ENTIRE WALL for that, can you imagine? Welcome to The Asylum, girls.

Thursday, August 23, 2012


   It is so damn warm here.. So, I just found a blog of an "anorexic" girl.. At least, that's what her name says. Her blog title is something like "Starvation diary" bur in Romanian. She weighs too much to be anorexic. She'd have to be 6'6" tall to reach a BMI of 17.5, so yes, she is definitely not "truly" anorexic. Despite that, she's only just started her blog, so I have no idea of her background. I don't know if she's ever been anorexic, but she sure as fuck wants to be. If I find she's a wanna, I don't know.. I'll either stop commenting or post negative comments, but hopefully she's not a wanna. I have already left her a comment in which I told her what "awesome stuff" eating disorders come with, she might not give a damn fuck, but I somehow give a lot of fuck about people who are trying to "catch" an eating disorder that will make them all shiny and pretty and get them thrown in the pool by Chad (hat off to anyone who knows what I'm talking about.)
   Yesss, ramble over. I had a therapist appointment today. We came to the conclusion that my parents are somewhat stupid for humiliating me in public. Then we came to the conclusion that it's good to let go of him. Theeen, we somehow came to the conclusion that I'm not doing "all this stuff" to be thin.
   I could write an entire book on that. It's not for being thin, definitely, because I know damn well that throwing up and taking lax (this is my 3rd day off them!) won't make me thin. So, if I know this, why don't I "just stop"?
   Because I fucking can't and am not ready to let these go. The therapist said it's all about my feelings that I need to get out, about the way I censor myself way too much, about the control people want to keep me under and the way I want to escape that control.

   I don't necessarily fantasize about being thin. I fantasize about "being dead, so fucking dead, like a corpse.. white skin, tired eyes, not being able to walk or breathe or speak or concentrate or even live. Ashes, ashes.."
It's a little weird, I know.. "Why in the world would you or anybody else wanna like that?"

   Don't ask me, ask the other me, ask my schizo imaginary friends, my bipolar rats, the homicidal monsters under my bed, my paranoid brain and my cannibal tongue and teeth. Mwhahahaha.

Wednesday, August 22, 2012


   ok, maybe this will be very non-sense and incoherent, i am not going to go back and spell-check and everything. i have just purged and my head is heavy. well. i have got some kind of infection-inflammation-irritation in my mouth, it hurts like hell esp when i eat. spicy or acidic stuff. i have only slept 4 hours last night and my eyes are super-sore. actually i think they're super sore because i've purged yesterday too, my face was red as fuck and my eyes were red and i looked like a demon or zombie or whatever. so i've been having these headaches for a few days now, the thing in my mouth for two days i think.. and yeah, only slept 4 hours. i am off lax for 2 days now because i get cramps out of the blue and then i go and shit and woaaaaah! some lax left in your system since 2 days ago, now that's not weird at all, is it? okokok. um. eah, i've bought some eye drops for my sore eyes, they are still very sore.

   like i was saying, i have just purged, i was not sure at first due to all of the above things. so after not really succeeding at shoving my fingers down my throat (which i rarely do now, i use a brush instead), i decided i should just hit myself with the toothbrush. that kind of sort of turned my entire body red, actually the arms and ribs and hips. ok... after that i tried to purge again and voilaaaa, *hurp*hurp*hurp* for a few minutes, then i just lay myself down on the floor with the toothbrush on my stomach. my throat is so damn numb. it hurts. do you know what it's like to move your toothbrush so violently in your throat that you can feel it like it's going to burst through it and out of th neck? yeah that's so damn sexy. no it's not. then i managed to stand up and my legs were shaky, i looked like a person with a disability or smth (by no means meaning to be rude or offend), my legs couldn't quite support me. then i cleaned up, took a shower and *drums please* went to weigh myself. i only purged 1.2 kg. that iiiiiis, let me google it, 2.6 pounds. Meh.

   i have a therapist appt tomorrow, i'll be full of bruises and with a disgusting hair and face and oooooh, body! and i bet i won't sleep tonight either, despite my eyes hurting so much and my head the same. fuckfuckfuck i sound so stupid. not to mention the way i wrote this post arghhhhhh/bye.

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

This woman deserves a medal

   I walk in.

"Hello, do you have any Dulcolax?"
"Yes, we do." (of course you do, damn.)
"Two boxes, please." (because I can't fit more into my purse)
"Two? Who uses so many laxatives? Do you use them to lose weight?" (imagine sarcastic, ironic, god-that's-so-stupid tone)
"Oh, no no no. My mom told me to buy a box for her and one for grandma." (what you don't know is that I'll use "this many laxatives" in 4 days. how fucked am I?)
"Ok, here you are. 26 RON." (that's our currency. it's worth 7 bucks)
"Thank you. Bye."

   I walk out. I am smiling. On the inside, I am laughing my ass off.

Edit: Oh oh oh. Something more. I think I walked past my first ex (you know, the one I was together with when I started having "trouble") yesterday, twice. We've both seen each other, though none of us said anything. I must admit I kind of went on that street purposely, to see if he's out and if my second ex (the one I broke up with recently) is out. By the way, today is his birthday and I just texted him, he said "Thanks :))." I suppose it's okay. My first ex's birthday is in a few days too, I think, but he never ever told me when it was. I think it's the 24th, but I'm not sure. Ok, enough about exes. I'm on lax and I have cramps. Yaaaay.

Sunday, August 19, 2012

The dream/s (4)

   This is the last post, I think. It is 3 AM as I am writing it, but I will only publish it later. On the way to Vienna, I have had a very interesting dream, it really made me think.

   We were in Vienna. As we were waiting for the light to turn green, a man with some bags in his hands walked across the street and left his bags in the middle of it. I suspiciously walked to them and opened them - bombs. Everyone started screaming and running, I ran into some bushes trying to hide there. But guess what? There was another bomb! Which exploded. The next second I saw myself in our car, dad was driving, I was sleeping. I knew I had died. "But.. But what if my friends and everyone I know won't find out that I am dead? What about *24-year-old man who was flirting with me. See this and this.*, *friend from the internet who knows about some of my issues* and *ex boyfriend*? Will they forget me? Will they know I'm dead? But what about me, there were a few things that I still want to do.. No, girl, it's okay. You are dead now. This is all you ever wanted, you are okay." Then "My Immortal" from Evanescence started playing and I started to see myself less and less, from farther and farther until I woke up.

   "Am I dead? Should I ask them? No.. I'm not dead. But it felt so real."

   there was another dream in which I was with a guy, taller and more handsome than my ex, who was caring and strong and we kissed and I fell in love with him for a second. I quickly forgot him after that, but I'll never forget how he treated me. He was more romantic and caring and warm than my ex, which is what I have always sought.

   Then, another dream. Me and my ex at my place. We were very close to each other. We talked about getting back together, and I told him how many times I had dreamed about that (actual dreams, not day dreaming), but was so happy that it was finally "real." I caressed his hair with my fingers and actually felt it, I thought it was real and couldn't believe it. Then we went into my room and started kissing, he took of his clothes but was very shy, then he disappeared somewhere in my closet, I think. I went to take off my clothes in the bathroom, and while I was doing it, my dad went to my ex and they started fighting, he threw him out of the house.. And then I woke up.

   So wicked.

And your family? (3)

   Okay, I've got another gem here. One early morning, I decided to wear a black dress for breakfast. There was something white on it, maybe some toothpaste, and "she" (mom) told me about it, I told her that it's nothing bad since we aren't going out or anything. I tried to get it off, but only managed to do so partially. After a few minutes, after my dad came, she told me about it again. I told her I don't care, using some swearing (not AT anyone) because 1) it was morning (you better leave me alone at that time of the day) and 2) we were heading to breakfast which means food which means I freak out. So no, I don't think it was wrong at all. Then they started to scold me and so on until we reached our table. There, they started to talk to each other about how rude and impolite I am, how they always do what I want, how ungrateful I am. He told me he'll slap me. I wanted to tell him to go ahead, because anyways, he wanted me dead ("So what, if you die, then we'll bury you, no problem" -- I'll never forget that), but I didn't say anything. As they were humiliating me, I started crying. And to make everything "better," some strangers at a table said: "Look at her face.."

   I'll never forget those words, either. I will never forget the humiliation and shame I felt when they didn't let me go upstairs to wash my face and calm myself down. "Sure, whenever anything happens, you go and do some of your things." (read: cut) He also said that I make a big drama out of everything because I was crying. Out of anger and disgust and humiliation. Of course it was my fault, it wasn't them who made a huge thing out of a little toothpaste on my dress. Go to hell.

   Back on topic, we eventually went upstairs and I went straight into the bathroom. He said, "Don't you dare do any of your shit (cut), I will find out." I answered him with "Yeah, sure" and closed the door. I cut a little, nothing bad, just a scratch - only because he's told me not to. Then, the real pain began. I took my toothbrush and hit myself with it. The pain was terrible, but so relieving. I couldn't move my arm anymore. I now have 3-4 purple bruises on each of my arms, probably around 4 bruises on my legs and two on my ribs. They still hurt a little.

   And everything went.. "normally" from then on.

What about self-harming? (2)

   Oh, yes, I didn't leave that at home either. Let me tell you how it all began..

   It was one beautiful evening in Paris. We were at a restaurant that had free WiFi. I went on facebook. BIG mistake. Probably. My ex-friend and her current best friend were talking about my ex, "my guy" as I usually refer to him. They were saying that they haven't talked to him in a long time, that they don't know where he'd gone, etc. I became so damn angry. I could have ran barefoot back to Romania and ripped their clothes off and eaten them alive and then purged them and blaaaaah. Okay. As we were walking down Champs-Élysées, I started scratching my arm. I had so much anger and adrenaline inside me, that I literally wanted to run and scream. I tapped my feet and fingers and so on. So I scratched and scratched and scratched, and now I have a nasty scar, but it's healing. I also have some kind of scratch on my ankle, it looks like a cut but it's not one. 

   This event was followed by three days of thinking about him, crying and grieving and planning to meet with him as soon as I got back. To open his eyes, to show him how stupid it was that we broke up for nothing, to give him some present for his birthday (which will soon be) or to simply have a chat with him, spend time with him.

   I forgot to mention that I have dreamed of him every. single. night. I think I always have, since we broke up. 

   But then, one day, it shot me in the head: WELL, GO TO HELL. You didn't "cure" me of my ED or cutting or depression or insanity or whatever you want to call it. I have always put you above everything, you were the person I woke up for each morning, you were my absolute everything and I can't say that I don't care about you anymore -- just not that much. I have put my friends aside because I loved you so much. I want to change this. For God's sake, I have changed my hairstyle (shorter hair), I am completely changing my room (painted the walls, buying new furniture), I have bought new clothes and am wearing a new perfume. So yes, I will change one more thing: I will start caring about my friends, loving them, sharing things with them ("normal" stuff, not the lunatic things that scare/push people away). I have two lollipops. I wanted to give them to him for his b-day, but I will give them to my two best friends (whom we'll call from now on Dee and Jee, because I don't want to give their real names). I have talked to them today and it feels so good, we always have such a great time together.

   There is, in the end, the letting go.

You don't just leave your ED at home (1)

   This is the first post of a series of I don't know how many posts. But I will talk about how things went on this side of life.

Here is what I wrote on my cell phone, I had to track everything, somehow. "(" means I was only there for the beginning of the day. "( )" means it was a full day. ")" means we only went there to sleep, so we were only there for the evening. Then, there will be either a number (of calories -- probably overestimated, or just right)) or a ?, because I stopped counting the calories. After that, there might be a "-" which means that I have purged. Here we go:

(München)1100 -
(München) 1200 -
(München)? -
Strasbourg)? -
Paris)? -
(Paris)? -
(Paris)? -
Luxembourg)? -
(Budapest ? - (This today -- I have vomited and also taken lax)

   Yes, that's it. I have purged 8 days out of 16. Which is why I say, you don't just leave your eating disorder at home. At least I don't. It lives inside me. I can't not throw up when my stomach hurts  because I have eaten a lot more than usual, I can't not check my body in every single mirror/window/water/anything I see. I can't not pinch at my fat. I can't can't can't.

Edit: Oh, yes, forgot to say. I have gained around 1.5 kilo, that's 3 pounds and something. I won't post my BMI since I'm so damn ashamed of it. I think I'm at my highest weight ever. Thing is, looking in the mirrors at the hotels, I actually thought I had lost weight/maintained. The lax will fix me. Then school will start and I'll fucking starve.

Saturday, August 18, 2012

I have returned

   Our trip was more or less eventful. The spicy details will come tomorrow. It felt like home...

Edit: I have talked to my mom and told her I'm not going to church tomorrow, because I need to take lax so I will probably write the next post this night. This sleepless night...

Thursday, August 2, 2012

8 hours left

   Well, this is it. It's 11 PM now, we're leaving tomorrow at 7 AM. I have barely eaten anything until dinner, but I guess it was just.. fine. It was better than any of this week's days. I didn't take laxatives, because it would have been stupid. Imagine what would have happened if they didn't "do their job" before leaving! I don't even want to imagine. I hope there will only be a little/no weight gain tomorrow morning. It usually adds up after taking lax.

   I have bought a few Fitness bars, each under 95 calories. I also have some rice cakes/crackers, which are 24-40 calories. I'm ok with that. I also have some apples, gum, coke zero and Nestea. I should be aaaalright.

   I'll go to sleep now. I will bring 3 books with me, because we'll be in a car for 4000 km (not all at once, but throughout these 2 weeks). See you guys when I come back.

Okay then..

   This vocaroo thingy is driving me crazy. I've been trying all day long to record a short, cute message, but of course it refused to work. Then why did it work yesterday? Arghhhh.

   In a nutshell, I wanted to tell you that I am leaving tomorrow morning. We'll be visiting five countries, starting from Romania (not included in those 5), then to the West of Europe and then back here to Romania, the country with no schools or roads or jobs or money or anything. Okay, it's not as bad as it seems, but it could be improved.
   I will still read your blogs on my phone if the hotels will have free Wi-Fi connection, but I probably won't comment. And if I won't be able to read your blogs from there, I'll definitely read them as soon as I get back home.. Which will happen in two weeks, say, around the 18th of August.

   My dad will pick me up in two hours to go grocery shopping. I really want to buy a hundred of those 90-100 kcal bars. I won't be able to count my calories properly while on vacation, so at least I will have a few "safe foods" besides the salads and other healthy (again, "safe") foods I'll be eating. I want to enjoy myself there, and that will only be possible if I don't feel guilty about food.
   I honestly hope I'll actually lose weight there.

   And you know what? My hair is super cute! :D I cut it a few weeks ago, it used to be really long but looked a bit weird, since I have very little hair (it's super-falling out). Now it's shorter, mid-length, and looks like there's more of it. It's dark-blonde, but because of the sun I hope it will be even blonder. It's up in some sort of bun right now because I absolutely love having curls. My hair is very straight, people often ask me if I use an iron, but I don't even own one.. And by the waaay, I have done my nails. White, blue, red, purple, black --> in this order from left to right, each hand.

   I have taken a shower, plucked my eyebrows and I'll shave my legs tonight (too much information, sorry) and I'll feel super pretty! I already feel super pretty. I am haaaaaappy! Dude, seriously, a few days ago I was depressed  and was thinking about pill cocktails I could take to "put me to sleep," but now I feel so amazing and okay and cute and blaaah. Shoot me now.

   I hope everyone is okay, I'm sending big hugs to Stacy and also to E.J. and Jessica, if they're still reading this blog, and I'm actually sending big hugs to everyone since I feel so okay now.


Good morning.

   Well, hi there. It is almost 5 AM here, I have been awake since 4, making trips to the bathroom and back. I wanted to scream because it hurt so badly and I was freezing to death. Yes, I have taken laxatives again.. why else would I be awake at this hour? At least I'll be free from lax for at least 2 weeks from today.. More on that later in the morning, when I plan on doing a.. vocal post? Is that correct, anyway? It's like vlogging without any video, just my voice. I'll use the same website I used when reading the "How to break a heart" poem.

   I just want to go to sleep.. but I'm too lazy. And that just didn't make any sense. I guess I'll just hang around for a little more, since I've almost "gotten everything out." I feel slightly uncomfortable, but it's way better than a few minutes ago.

   Who the fuck invented eating disorders? Grrrrrr..