Sunday, September 8, 2013

Second laxieversary

   Here I am, two years after purchasing my first box of laxatives ever. I took 10 little, orange pills a few hours ago. I had to use the bathroom five minutes ago. I can't believe this is happening, someone like me is not supposed to go through this. I know I'll be here on the 8th of September, 2014. And if I won't be here, then I will be buried several meters under the ground. 

   The pain I get is very normal to me now, I take laxatives a few times per week, it depends on what and how much I eat, how much money I have left and how many times I get out of the house. 

   Our parents got my brother and me a Guinea pig today, it is fluffy but gets scared very easily. 

   All I can think of are the laxatives and how it feels like my entire life depends on them. I am stuck.

   I should definitely blog more often, I have been neglecting the blog lately. But school starts in a week and I plan on having an organized schedule. I hope. I hope.

   If you want to see last year's laxieversary post, you can go here.

Tuesday, August 6, 2013

Out of the blue

   The house is full of boxes, we're moving out tomorrow. A lot of things have happened since my last post.

   The most interesting one would be that I went out with my ex. We went in some woods with a tent. At some point, we started kissing and making out, we did things we had never done before, went farther than ever (no, we didn't have sex). Those few hours were romantic and I never wanted them to end. I felt like a slut, don't know why, maybe because he only seemed to have done it for fun, while I also did it because I was still in love with him. An hour later, he texted me and said he figured out he cared a lot about me. He has this female friend who's his age. They talk a lot and he always tells me about her, it is bothering me. I tried to give him some signals, to make him understand that I don't need to know about her. In addition, he's telling me a lot of things about his friends, but his friends don't even know who I am. Does that mean that I'm too important for him and he wants to "keep" me for himself, or does it mean that I'm not important at all? The story is very long, but to make it short, I've decided to stay away from him for a day or two, because he's hurting me.

   Things have been okay school-wise. I have the highest admission grade in my class, it was a 9.71, and the person right below me had a 9.06. It is much lower than mine, the grade below me would have usually been a 9.69 or something like that, then 9.65 and so on. Other than mine, the grades in my class are very close one to another, so this only proves that I'm smarter and more hard-working that my future classmates.

   I am leaving tomorrow and it's saddening me. I don't even want to think about it, it doesn't seem real. Is anyone still reading my blog?

Tuesday, July 2, 2013


   I am done with my exams, I even know the grades I got. 8.9 in Romanian (but I reported it, because it is too low. many people have reported it), 10 in German (the only clear 10) and a 10 in Math. these grades will decide whether or not a person gets accepted into a certain school or not. My grades are high, so I can enter almost any school in the country. I am at a friend's house for the following days, then I'm going to Bucharest to apply for a German school.

   It's officially summer for me, too, so I will try to get the sleep and free time I didn't have for the last 9 months.

Thursday, June 13, 2013

Last day

   Today was my last day in this school, in this class. Tomorrow is the prom, we have the exams in two weeks and then everything is over. They will be all gone.

   I took laxatives this morning and didn't have the chance to use a bathroom for 8 hours. I was in hell. I started getting the chills around noon (6 hours after taking the pills). I felt cold, sick, nauseated. At some point, the pain was incredible, I couldn't walk. I lived in hell for about two hours. I hope that no one will ever have to experience such pain. The awful thing is, I also had to keep all the shit inside me, but it was so hard. I felt like I would explode. I was sweaty and cold.
   As soon as I entered the house, I ran into the bathroom and let it all out. I was praying, thanking God for keeping me alive and clean. My body and clothes were wet. My hair was wet. I must have spent around 15 minutes on the toilet, almost crying, shaking, with my eyes closed. Then I took off my slightly wet shirt and lay on the bed, eyes closed, imagining I was a dying person, because this is what it felt like.
   Otherwise, my day was nice.

   Tomorrow will be an amazing, but sad, day. I finished the year with a 9.81 (10 being the highest) average, the 4th of my class. We are a genius class.
   We also had some ribbons with many layers on which people wrote. 24 out of my 28 classmates wrote on them, but some teachers did, too. My English teacher wrote "Nice, wonderful kid. Stay positive and be lucky. Hugs, teacher" and I had tears in my eyes while she was writing it. She is my favourite teacher, but she isn't coming to our prom... such a shame. My German teacher wrote that she was very proud of me, that I am an amazing person. She was holding back her tears after she finished writing. These days are incredibly emotional, I will never forget them.

Friday, May 24, 2013


   Exactly two years ago, I purged for the first time.

   What a fancy, classy, lady-like thing to do. I am extremely proud. Couldn't be happier. Because gaining 10 kilos, shitting blood, not being able to shit without laxes, [and so on and so forth] - all because of an eating disorder - are great things that everyone is dreaming of!


Sunday, May 12, 2013

Moving out and dad

   Yes, it's been a long time since my last post. No time and motivation to write. I have some news, though. (long post coming up)

   I think I've said before that my mother has moved to Bucharest. New job, more money, new people. this was a good change for me, because I've been feeling a lot better since she has left. We see each other two-three days a week, though, sometimes less often. My parents told me that we will move in August. Actually, a few months ago they said I could choose to do whatever I wanted and I said I'd stay at my grandma's. A few weeks ago they told me that my grandma doesn't want to be responsible for me. What the heck? Do I look like a girl who gets drunk and stoned every single day? I was very pissed at my grandma and I still am, but now that I think about it, I would have hated living with her. Old furniture, old people, old mentality. If before I used to see her 6 days a week, now we barely see each other twice a week -- yes, I am avoiding her.

   I have been to our apartment (I also hate the transition from a house to an apartment, despite having lived in an apartment before) multiple times before. It's actually a villa with 3 or 4 apartments, there's also an indoors pool. I live next to a bunch of V.I.P's, which is why there are some sort of bodyguards with guns sitting in a car in front of the villa. My parents also said that they'll get me some small pet after moving. Not a dog or a cat, but a mouse or Guinea pig or something. I want a rat. The city is also more modern, because it is the capital. It is the only city in Romania with a subway, which I love.

   But just to make this clear, I hate the fact that I have to move there. I would never move to another city in Romania, but I would move to another country like Austria or Germany.

   Let's talk about the school now! It is called "Goethe" and people say it's the best German school in Romania. I will not believe this until I get there and see the teachers and the people and so on. If I google the school, I get some really interesting results. One of them is an article called something like "The teachers from Goethe don't know German." -- greaaaaaaat. Then there are 345676587 articles about the parents using fake papers to prove that their kids have German nationalities, which is required in order to be accepted into the school (for the first graders)... I'm not sure whether these papers are mandatory or not, but I know that if you have them, you 100% get accepted. I don't know how I should look at this: a) I will go to a school where most of the students have parents who have handed in fake papers in order to get their kids into this school or b) it's such a good school that parents would do anything to get their kids accepted. I think I'll pick a), just because I hate this entire moving situation. Other than that, I went to the school one week and a half ago, while we were visiting my mom. I went to the school with my 23-year-old female friend, the ex of the pedo 25-year-old (I can't remember writing about this here, but there was this huge argument between him and me+the 23-year-old friend. nevermind). We have both agreed that the school looks like a prison, at least on the outside. I hope that it looks better on the inside. Not to mention the facebook photos of some of the girls in this school - totally pathetic. Anyways, these kind of girls are everywhere, so it will be nothing new.


   Something horrible happened last night. I looked through some messages between my dad and my mom (don't ask why I do that, I know I shouldn't, but I do not trust them anymore and I need to know if theya re talking about me or about our moving to Bucharest. I am incredibly paranoid about that). There was a text message from mom to dad: "I can't sleep at night, I can't eat, I can't focus at work. How could you do this to me? How could you do this to us? Do you realize how bad this is?" Then he said something like "I have admitted that it is bad. But you can't always blame me and only believe what others say. Not every female person I talk with is someone I also sleep with."
   And that tore me apart.

   Not because I care so much about our integrity as a family, but because he is a cheater. My dad is a cheater. He is a disgusting person. I remember, when I was five years old, I found a porn video on our computer. Lesbian stuff. Then, sometime in January, I found lots, lots of porn sites in my dad's web history, on his laptop. His laptop broke a few weeks later, and he used my second laptop for a few days. Then he gave it to my uncle to install something on it. After I got the laptop back, I looked at the web history again and found porn, again. I thought "No, not my uncle... he can't be such a disgusting person, too," but then I looked at the date: the beginning of February. It was my dad. I couldn't resist the temptation to find out what exactly he was looking at (not the videos themselves, but you know, the general idea). I found a site with teen porn. That broke my heart and I started crying. And I kept crying for a few days, when I was alone. One night I looked again, more carefully, and found a dating site... well, not actually dating, but more like looking at pictures of naked girls and also having the possibility to contact them. There was only one woman's page that he opened: a woman from our city. Obviously blonde dyed hair. Obviously whore.

   The reason why these things affect me so much is because he is a married man with kids. How can he wake up in the morning, look in the mirror and not want to break it? How can he live with himself knowing what he has done? I can't even look at him anymore, he is disgusting me. People like him should be tortured, killed, murdered. I want to make him eat everything I will ever vomit from now on. There was this chinese torture method... Put the person in a huge pool (or something...) with milk and honey, force them to drink a lot; then they have diarrhea and poop into the same place they're drinking from, force them to drink and eat again, then they are eaten by flies. This is what my dad deserves. Disgusting.

Monday, April 22, 2013







Friday, April 19, 2013

I want to put my life on "stand-by"

   Three weeks ago I was diagnosed with gastritis. I took some pills for about two weeks. The abdominal pain came back. Now the doctor said I might have Irritable Bowel Sindrome. I'm taking some other pills. Thank you so, so much, eating disorder. The doctor said the gastritis was from stress. Well, if I had gastritis, I think the frequent vomiting would have been the cause. I'm pretty sure. Now I can bet that the IBS is a consequence of 1 1/2 year of misusing laxatives. Thanks again, ED.

   I am back to not eating/restricting. I've only eaten on Thursday this week, but then purged anyway. I went to gym twice. I am not exhausted yet. I feel good. But I've been googling stuff like "eating disorder starvation" or "eating disorder consequences" (yeah, I do that... I also google "laxative pain" when I'm on the toilet at 4 AM, shitting bricks, shivering and being in excruciating pain from the laxes). The things I have read were heartbreaking and shocking - not that I hadn't known of them before. starvation consequences, purging consequences. So many "death", "heart attack", "organ failure", but still, here I am, not caring. Actually, there's me and all the other disordered people.

   I admire people who have recovered (and that includes you, Stacy). Thinking about the future, I imagine myself as a grown up, happy and healthy, with a huge ED history, but I can't imagine an actual "recovery." Heck, this has only been going on for 2 years and I already have IBS and can't shit on my own and so on. Blah.

   "The deadliest of all psychiatric disorders."

Monday, April 8, 2013


   Yes, yes, it's been a long time since my last post. I went away to the National German Olympics. I won the first place in my age group. Basically, in my age group, I'm the best at German. Which is... cool.

   I cut my hair shorter again, it's a thing I just randomly do every now and then. I like it.

   Tomorrow I'm leaving, I'm going with my family to Budapest, then to Prague. I can't wait to go the Hard Rock Cafes in Budapest and Prague.

   I'll also attent an Emilie Autumn concert in August. I have a regular ticket (~28 euros) and a VIP ticket (75 euros), I'm very excited. I'll meet her face-to-face! Yay!

   I swear i have no idea what else to say. I used to write such long posts. Now I feel like all my imagination has gone down the drain.

Sunday, March 24, 2013


   I simply can't find any time or motivation to blog anymore. I'm too busy with throwing up, taking laxatives, eating, sleeping, doing homework... lots of it. I feel so miserable. How did this happen? You'd think that an eating disorder - which does not include binging, only purging - would make one thinner, skinny. But I somehow managed to go from 58 kg to 64-65. How did this happen? How? I am disappointed. I am incredibly stressed this year, but really? 7 kg? This is not okay...

   On a more positive note, I am going to the National Olympics in German. Again. That means, basically, that I'm the best in German in my entire city. Last year I was the 3rd in the whole country (for my age group). All I have to do is write, there are no grammar exercises. Obviously, you have to have good grammar in order to write a story well.

   I miss my old self.

Sunday, March 3, 2013

Done with therapy

   I went to therapy on Thursday. My therapist said something like "You don't need to be afraid to tell me that you want to stop coming," but I didn't even want to stop. So she said I shouldn't come anymore, if I don't want to. Honestly, I'm feeling a lot better now.

  • ED-wise: I'm not weighing myself anymore. And I'm not gaining/losing, either. But the number on the scale is so depressing, that I'd rather skip seeing it. I'm still throwing up and taking laxatives. Bleah. Looking back, I've gained a lot of weight since my ED behavior started. I weighed 58 kilos, starved myself down to 53 (which lasted for.. 2 days) then baaaang, one year and a half later, 63-64 kilos. I think I only got about 1-2 cm taller, but also gained some muscle weight (since I've been going to gym). But STILL, 10 kilos is a fucking lot. I'm not even overweight. Not even chubby. But I want to be stick-thin so, so badly.
  • Cutting-wise: I haven't cut lately. Which is okay, I think. I never thought I could let go of this habit. I'm a bit nostalgic now, though I shouldn't. I remember the desperation, all that chaos in my head. The blood flowing, my fingers going numb, having to hide my scars.
  • Relationship-wise: I went out with my ex on Thursday. We're getting along well. I've figured out that there's almost no chance that the two of us will get back together... and it hurts. But, recently, a guy from another class (still my year) is flirting with me. And he seems serious about it, he's not playing. I can't wait to see what this entire thing turns into.
   Besides that, I'm no longer talking to the guy from Bucharest, the biker. His girlfriend (whom I'm very good friends with) has found out some weird stuff about him... that he threatened his ex with a knife, that he's sexually obsessed (yeah, I've noticed that, too) and some other stuff. I pushed him away. Not to mention that he got his ex and my friend pregnant (not at the same time) and they've both had to have abortions. Whiiich sucks.

   This weekend was okay. Not so much homework. I also got a new phone, it's got a touch screen, so I'm having a hard time typing. Otherwise, I love it.

   Have a nice day, I hope everyone is doing okay :)

Sunday, February 24, 2013


   I don't even know what to blog about anymore. I'm eating, purging, taking lax. I feel like my entire life is about my ED. The first thing I do when I wake up in the morning, instinctively, is to touch my belly. Then I pee, take off my clothes, weigh myself, again, again, put my clothes back on. I wash my teeth. I go into my room and check for updates on the blogs I'm following. I get dressed. I make my bed. I take my backpack and go downstairs. I see some fruit in a basket. "No food today. Or try to eat just a little." I put on my shoes, my jacket, get in the car. I arrive at school. Classes. Sometimes I eat, sometimes I don't. Then I have Romanian/Maths/German tutoring (not because I'm not good at them, I'm actually doing well. But I have exams this summer and all the parents want their kids to get the highest grades). On Thursdays I go to therapy. On Fridays I go home. On a few of these days I go to gym.
   As soon as I get home, I eat and eat and eat and purge and take lax and eat some more and purge and don't wash my teeth (it harms the teeth after purging... even more) and go to sleep. Repeat.
   On Saturdays and Sundays I do homework, endless assignments and exercises and things to learn.

   I am beyond exhausted. I am tired. I want to cry right now because I've been working like hell all week(end) and I'm still not done. I want to die. Shoot me. Now. Please.
   My gym membership expired yesterday, so I'm not going to gym this week. There's no time. I need time.

   On a more positive note, I'm one book ahead with my 2013 reading challenge - 25 books. I hope I'll read more, though. I am now re-reading Bitterschokolade (bitter chocolate). My German teacher said there are some "inappropriate words." Guess what the words were? Penis and breasts. Jesus. We're not 8 anymore.

   All I need now is some time. And a hug. And a pimple-less face. Argh.

Monday, February 11, 2013

The world is wrong

   I'm in the middle of my German homework now. Something really weird happened.

   Remember a few months ago, when I went to Bucharest, that I met the 24-year-old (now 25) who is in love with me? I also met his girlfriend (who is a sweetheart) and he took us on his motorbike. My parents have, somehow, found out about it. I told no one about this except for my ex, who I'm 100% sure they didn't talk to. And I wrote on this blog about it. I doubt they have found my blog, because otherwise I wouldn't be here anymore. I have this blog for over a year and the things I wrote here would have seriously concerned them, so there's no freakin chance they've found it. Hopefully. The only thing they could've done was read my texts. Which they have done before, so there's no wonder they did it again. I can't trust them.

   Yes, I lied to them about who I was going out with, but only because they wouldn't have let me go. Since I was little, they told me not to talk to "strangers" on the internet, because they'll fucking come to our home and rape me and kidnap me and kill me. That's why I never told them that I have a blog (well, more), that I talk to certain people from different countries and so on. I hate them for not respecting my privacy. I have this right. And I will never, ever trust them again.

   I'm still taking pills and throwing up and cutting myself. Nothing new.

   I hate Bucharest with my entire heart. I reached my highest weight yesterday. Fucking 64.2. I have never been here before. The plan was to go without food for the entire week, but then I said "Ok, let's give it one last freakin chance." So I ate somewhat healthily today. I hate myself. No, wait, I hate them. I want to take all the pills in the world. Also, thanks to Grey's Anatomy, I have found one more way to die. Which is so damn easy and handy... I won't say it here because this isn't a "let's kill ourselves, folks!" blog. It's just so easy to escape this life.

   I want to be in someone else's body. I love everything about myself except for my body. I want to take a break. Lax and ibuprofen and sedatives and I'll be just fine..

   My therapist doesn't think I  have an ED. Oh YES, because people usually abuse laxatives and throw up and  go for 5 days without food with no problem! THANK GOD I'm fucking normal, right? I'm just dieting, because this is what you do when you diet, you take lax for one year and a half and throw up and daaamn, you're not only not losing weight, but you are gaining! It is super effective! Try this new, Chanelle-style diet!

   Go to hell and burn.

   Not to mention that my cuts are just "slips," nothing serious going on.

   I hate the world. I have learned one thing during these past few weeks: Don't trust everyone. Question everything you know. If you want to survive in this world, you'll have to ignore what people say, don't be easily influenced, stand up for yourself and for what you believe in.
One of the things that shocked me was my grandpa. He told my brother not to be friends with the boy who has lower grades. How insane/stupid/superficial do you have to be to say that? They are only 8 years old! Of course, never play with that boy, his parents sure as fuck have money for paying his therapists in the future! I'm sure he'll need one, since he'll be ignored and laughed at at school. The world changes person by person. If my brother starts ignoring the boy, the entire class will. Just imagine. I started yelling at my grandpa when he said that. I wanted to cry. Imagine an 8-year-old crying, sitting alone and being avoided by all his classmates, only because his grades aren't as high as expected. This is called cruelty.

   I'm going back to my homework now. Have a nice day/evening/whatever...

Sunday, February 3, 2013


   It is the very first time in my life that school causes me such huge amount of stress. It is awful. I have to go to bed at 10 in order to be able to wake up at 6:20. Sometimes I wake up earlier (5-6 am) to do homework, then go back to sleep. When I'm at my grandma's in the afternoon, I take a nap. I am exhausted.

   The teachers exaggerate and think we only have one subject, their subject, to study for. Nope. I have more than 15 subjects. And I need a decent average in all of them. I've been struggling with PE/Sports lately. The woman wants us to stand on our heads. I can't.

   Also, my chemistry teacher has a problem with me. I've noticed it since September. If she wants anyone to come to the board and do an exercise, that's me. And I can solve it every single time. School has only started 3 weeks ago, she has already sent me to the board twice. This is what happened on Tuesday: She was making an experiment with the electrolysis of water. The lesson was a bit complicated and, to be honest, I had almost no idea what was going on. Neither did the rest of my class. She then called us stupid, which she is definitely not allowed to do. How dare she?! The teacher looked at me. "You, what's your name?" - "[Chanelle], woman, you've been testing and sending me to the board so many times lately and you still don't know my name?" I go to the board and do as I am told: write the reaction of the chemical decomposition of water. I knew how to do it. H2O ---> H2 + 1/2 O2. She thanks me and tells me to go back to my seat.
   Class finishes, my friends and I take a little longer to get our stuff. The teachers looks at us and starts saying in a loud voice: "You didn't study anything for today! How can you come to class like that?! You should be ashamed! *pointing at me* Aren't you ashamed?" Not knowing what to do, since I proved her that I knew the answer to what she asked me to do, I say "I am." Then she asks my best friend the same thing. She said she was, too, even if the teacher hadn't asked her anything during class. After we left, my friend and I had a tiny chat:
Friend: "God, she's mad."
Chanelle: "I know! I mean, she asks me if I'm ashamed, what would I be ashamed for? 'Yeah, woman, I am ashamed if you want me to, but I'm actually not ashamed at all. On the other hand, you should be ashamed for calling us stupid multiple times and yelling at us and saying we're the shame of the school when, in fact, we're one of your favorite classes.' - that's what I should've said."

   Everyone in our school is afraid of this woman. She's even been sued once for giving a low grade to a good student, for no reason. And that grade would've kept the student from being admitted to any university - it's a little more complicated. In conclusion, yes, the woman is kiwi (nuts) and should buuuuuuurn.

   My brother got dizzy today and fell. My parents took him to the ER. It's almost 1 AM and they aren't back yet.

   I talked to my ex yesterday and today. H texted me first yesterday, we talked, then I texted him today. He called me and we spoke for 40 minutes. Forty! What's with all these mixed signals? One day we're talking for almost an hour, then no one says anything for two weeks, then one of remembers that the other still exists and texts them, we go out two days later, then baaaang, one or two weeks silence. Damn. We're not together. He lost contact with his other exes. Why are we still talking to each other? Maybe because a little piece of myself is still truly, deeply, madly in love with him. Maybe.

   I should go to sleep now. We definitely need longer weekends. All I do on Saturdays is homework, then Sunday comes, when I study for tests, then guess what! another week of school and stress and sleep deprivation and stress and food and purging and maybe cutting and sometimes crying, oh, and some more stress. I've been having nightmares lately. Enough nightmares to notice that they're way more often than usual.

   Good night.

Saturday, January 26, 2013

Let the bodies hit the floor

   I should have expected this. As soon as I entered my grandmother's house on Monday, I started eating. A lot. And the same shit happened the entire week.

   Long story short, I threw up twice last week (for the first time this year) and also cut (for the first time in more than one month). I felt like such a disappointment. I gained back all the weight. 5 days of not eating, 2 days of eating almost like a normal person, and BANG! I gained everything back in just a few days. I took lax today.

   Yesterday I went to the gym with the suicidal girl. My body looks better than hers. She's pretty unfamiliar with how one should behave in a gym. She was chewing gum, hair was coming into her face, she was sitting on different machines and not doing anything. And she had to take down her jacked, so all of her cuts and burns were visible. Of course, not a single person gave her a weird look. Not a single person. The hell.

   I'm starting to like her less and less. She's so dramatic, she thinks that no one in this world has it worse than her.

Chanelle: "There are worse cases."
Girl: "Oh, really. Yeah, sure, worse cases."
Chanelle: "There are parents who kill their kids or throw them out in the street. You have food and shelter, at least."

   I wasn't saying her situation wasn't bad. No, it is bad, worse than mine. I feel bad and arrogant for saying this, but I am so much better than her. She's an okay person, but I hate people who complain ALL DAY LONG, who are lazy, who blame people for no reason etc. Also, like I said in the previous post, I hate ignorant people like her mother. "She said she'd stop. Why didn't she just stop?" Oh, sure! Let's find an anorexic and tell her to eat a sandwich, THAT'S THE CURE. This kind of people should have their heads cut off (not people like the girl, but like her mother). But that doesn't mean I agree with the girl's behavior. It must be really hard for her, I know. My therapist said I used to be parasuicidal, but she is the high-risk kind of suicidal. Blah. I never ever complained to my friends and I'm glad I didn't. She is just pushing people away. Including me.

   My little best friend saw some scars on my abdomen. I told her they were old. She never mentioned them again. Actually, they were made in December. Who cares.

Sunday, January 20, 2013


   I must admit, eating yesterday felt incredibly weird. I got used to it after a while and ended up eating normal-ish. Thank God I didn't overeat, or anything else that could have made me feel awful. This morning I was so dizzy, that I had to lie on the floor a bit after getting out of bed. I am usually dizzy but add five days of not eating to that and this is what you get. A Chanelle lying on the floor.

   I am not sure whether I should share this kind of stuff anymore or not. There are people who envy my behavior and want to stop eating because, well, "that lucky skinny bitch went five days without food." No, no one said it THAT way. Which is why I ask -- would it be better if I kept this stuff to myself? This is no "Omg its my blog and i dont even have the freedom to write whatever i want" situation, I'm just thinking that it's maybe not good for other people to read these things. On the other hand, I also have a weird feeling every time I talk about not eating, cutting etc. I feel like I am bragging or something, which I'm definitely not.
Enlighten me!

   I don't know if I said this before, but my ex texted me on Friday and asked me to go out sometime (as friends of course). I agreed and asked him if he could come today. Because he might be coming, I arranged with a friend (the only one who knows about him) to meet me tonight and after that I'll go see him if he can come. He never is and never has been sure whether he could meet me or not. I'm hoping for the best.

   The suicidal girl I went to the ER with wants to run away from home. She is now seeing my therapist. My mother called her and said "She promised not to cut anymore. Why did she do it?" -- Woman, just tell me, how stupid are you?! Do you expect a cutter to "just" stop?! I was so angry. To be continued.

Friday, January 18, 2013


   I haven't eaten since *drum roll* Sunday. Despite that, I have consumed liquids: milk, coffee, hot chocolate. My energy level is not very low, but my therapist, who saw me yesterday, said I looked pale and tired. I shouldn't, but I am happy that I didn't eat. It makes me feel accomplished, fulfilled. I am getting more tired by the minute. I will go to bed as soon as I finish this post. I am going to eat tomorrow.

   It's the first time this week that I'm feeling hungry. Well, not necessarily hungry, but like "something" is missing. Super-smart me, I took 3 laxatives earlier today. I am expecting pain, exhaustion and poor sleep tonight.

   Of course, I lost weight. During the holidays, except for when I was with my friends, I managed to control my intake a bit. That means, not snacking all day long. Which is a good thing. My BMI is 20.2 I lost 1.5 kg (3-4 pounds) this week.

   To be honest, I feel a bit guilty for writing this on my blog. I know it is read by people trying to lose weight, eating disordered people, people trying to recover from an ED or just ordinary people who are not concerned about their body and weight. I am not saying that not eating is good. It is, actually, an unhealthy thing which can lead to death - I am aware of this. However, I am not sure why I am doing it. Other than seeing my body and the number on the scale change, there is also this tiredness I get after a few days of not getting enough calories - the kind of tiredness I feel after a hard workout. (By the way, I also went to gym on Tuesday. I only exercised for 1h-1.5h, maybe, but it was enough to make me dizzy) It is the Wonderland I am traveling to. I'm in this parallel world, you see, where nothing is real anymore, where I hide food from my dad, pretend I ate it, then give it to my friends the next day - my friends who don't suspect a single thing.

   What I'm trying to say is, I'm not recommending this to anyone. It is one of the most used cliches, but exercise and a healthy diet will help you lose weight. Like I said above, my goal is not only to lose weight, but to achieve a certain physical and mental state (Wonderland). I feel like I can't breathe anymore.

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Back to school

(this post was supposed to appear on Monday... I think there was an error or something :-/)

   School has started again for me and I've already got a lot of homework to do. I can't say I'm complaining, because keeping myself busy also keeps me away from food - which I know I shouldn't be happy about, but I am. My ex didn't call/text me on my birthday and, despite being upset then, I'm ok with it now. He doesn't owe me anything, does he?

   I have no idea why, but my mood was super-high today, at least in the afternoon. I was walking outside and went past the places I used to go to with my ex: the 10-floor block (yep, the roof of it, making jokes that I was going to jump, only to make him pull me closer to him), the alley between two houses and so on. However, I don't think that that was the reason of my happiness. I think it was the weather. I usually feel euphoric as soon as spring begins, but dammit, we're in January! Despite that, I wasn't freezing or anything, so that's probably why I was feeling very good.

   I feel that I have a strong connection with the nature. Though it usually doesn't make me feel anything negative, there are very many times when I just want to run to Mother Nature and giver her a hug. I love the rain. I love the sunrises and sunsets during summer - even if it's the season I dislike the most. And I love days like today: spring- or autumn-ish, a bearable temperature, not too warm, not too cold, the wind through my hair, the fresh air, the sun hidden between the clouds, but not necessarily behind them.

   There's some bad news, too. Well, I don't mind this thing very much, but it would've been better if it didn't happen -- or not?! My dad has restricted my internet access to one hour per day. Since his laptop is out of order now, there's no reason for him to turn on the wireless for more than one hour. Although one hour per days seems very little to me, I now have a LOT more time to read and do things for myself. The internet kind of steals away my time, I have figured. Since I only have one hour, I am trying to make the best of it, doing the important things first: reading blogs/writing on my blog, checking e-mails, facebook updates (oh yesss, extremely important) and also watching the Friends show. I have seen a lot of episodes a few years ago, but now I'm taking it seriously and watching every. single. episode. Because I love the show. :)

   I wish everyone a nice day/evening and hope that you are all well.

Friday, January 11, 2013

Random... or not. Not at all.

   Well. 16 hours until I'm "born." Today's my birthday and my mom said I'll have a surprise later in the evening.

   I have been downloading Sims 2 custom content for a few hours - not the game won't start. I'm clicking and clicking and aaaaahh! I hope the custom content didn't super overload the laptop. If it eventually decides to start, I'll probably be playing all night long.

    Aaaand guess what I did today! I went to gym! It wasn't that bad after all. I received a few stares, but I think I only noticed them because I was so anxious - they weren't anything meaningful.

   What can I say.. All I'm doing now is replying to Facebook "happy b-day" wishes from people I never talk to. Plus my History teacher. God, he's an awesome dude, but when it comes to teaching.. go home, sir! I also got a "happy b-day" from the girl who, during my relationship with my ex, asked him to be with her. And of course, he refused. They're still friends. To be super honest, I can't wait for him to call or text me today. That would be the greatest gift.. I texted him on his birthday. We've also talked a few days ago. Since we broke up, he's changed a lot. He's clubbing and drinking and has made a looot of new friends.

   Like I told the 24-year-old guy I met on the net (who keeps flirting with me despite having a girlfriend...), I have a "something" that keeps people down on earth. I used to be friends with a girl, she's doing drugs now. There are 2 or 3 girls in my class, we used to be friends, now everyone (including me) thinks they are stupid, attention-seeking bitches. Sorry. My friend (whom I've also met on the net), the girl who used to be my BEST friend, the one who's moved to London.. she's now more whorish and stupid and attention-seeking and blowjob-ing than ever. My ex is clubbing and drinking and so on (aaand he almost got in trouble with the police). Who's next? :)

   I think that'll be all. I reaaally, really hope that Sims 2 will finally load ;( It makes me sad. supa' sad. Have a nice day, everyone!

Wednesday, January 9, 2013

Gym anxiety

   It has been at least 4 hours since I've started thinking whether I should go to gym today or not. There are so many people there most of them are men. And I'm a girl, younger than them. I feel like I don't feel there. I wish I could do something on my own, like go running outside. I am so scared.

   And if I don't go, I will feel super guilty. I can do crunches and so on at home, but what about cardio? I can't run around my room! I'm so, so scared. What should I do? I don't want to feel guilty, no, but I'm also frightened of seeing those people again. If I don't go, they'll think I'm lazy and have no motivation. On the other hand, I'm going to gym for myself, not for the other people, so it shouldn't be a problem if I exercise at home.

   I am scared and confused and I want to hide under my bed. I don't know what to do. I don't fit there, but what else can I do? It's winter and I can't run outside, and it's going to be cold outside for another 3-4 months. My fear has never been so intense, I don't why it's happening today. Instead of doing my homework  or reading or painting or doing anything productive, I'm stuck in front of my laptop, doing nothing. I didn't go to gym yesterday, either. I don't want to go, but that makes me a lazy, unmotivated ass. I feel like crap.

  I don't even like the gym. Because it's full of people. I can't believe I'm really having this problem. Fear of people. I want to hit my head against a wall. I won't have the time to exercise at home. I'll do other things that don't even matter and there will be no time for me to exercise properly.

   TIME. I need more time and I don't have it. This is the third week of the winter holidays. I have accomplished so little so far. In fact, I've done most of the things I had to do, but they were school related stuff. I barely did anything for myself, which is why I feel I've been wasting all this time.

   Fear, fear, fear. I'm not going to gym. nonono. Not until next week. I'm seeing my therapist tomorrow, I will talk to her about this issue, I find it incredibly weird that my fear is so intense now. It's not like I feel fat and that gives me a reason to be embarassed to go. I've actually lost a pound since yesterday. AAAAAaasdfghjmhgfds. My entire body is itching and I have to wiggle wiggle my fingers because I can't stand still. I want to run until I reach the end of this damn planet.

   I should go now. I'll do some homework, maybe it'll calm me down.

   I hate Chemistry, I hate it and I don't understand it and I've got problems to solve. I've done 5 so far but I didn't know how to do them, so I looked up the answers at the end of the book. I am stupid. Even if I finished this semester with a 9.73 average. I feel like I have lice in my hair since yesterday.

Tuesday, January 8, 2013

Dream guy

   This is the last week of winter vacation, so I'm trying to make the best of it. I am reading 4 books: Shakespeare's Complete works (over 1000 pages, dammit!), Persuasion by Jane Austen, The Writer's Source Book and anther book on body language. You can check them here.

   I also hope I'll manage to paint some more.

   There's been something on my mind for about 2 weeks. Something happened during one of the last days of the last year. I had a dream. There was this tall, black-haired guy. He had some facial hair, which made him look sexier. I can't remember what he looked like anymore - but for a couple of days, I knew exactly what he looked like. He could also play the guitar. The best thing about the entire thing is that he was my boyfriend. He didn't look anything like my ex. The moment I woke up, I realized that I had just fallen in love with a stranger. I have never seen anyone like him, but, despite that, after 2 weeks, I am still in love with that guy and literally can't get my mind off him.

   Two days ago, I had another dream. With my ex. I was at home, he was at (his) home. He gave me a call and said "I miss you. I really miss you." It was very strange, because he said those words in English, and he dislikes English and is not good at it. I said sure, we could go out or something. Everything was set up, we were supposed to meet somewhere (a pretty romantic place in my city, it is on a hill and you can see the entire city from there) at noon. My thoughts while I was still dreaming: "This is real, this is finally real. I've been having dreams of this moment for such a long time and now it's finally here." I woke up before we met. My thoughts as I woke up: "It is real. This is real, I can't believe it's happening. He said he misses me. Oh no - oh wait. It was a dream. No, no, no. It CAN'T be a dream! Argh!" I was pretty mad.

   Even if they are somehow upsetting once I wake up, these dreams make me feel okay for a few minutes. For a few minutes, I am in Wonderland, where anything can happen. But then it all goes away.

   Just a few days left until my birthday. It's on Friday. I'll go read now.

Tuesday, January 1, 2013

Hello, goodbye.


   I wish everyone a happy, fulfilling 2013. The last few days were a hell for me. I spent them surrounded by 40-50 people, 15-20 of them were kids. Annoying kids who listened to crappy music, bragged that they "didn't read a single book this year" and so on. I was the idol of a 12-year-old girl (who hates reading and listens to crappy music), and a 10-year-old boy also seemed to like me. My brother kept swearing and saying that he was gay. He's 8. So he obviously doesn't know what that is, but hey, it's a "dirty" word, so it is cool to say it.

   Three hours before 2013, I was bent over the sink, the toothbrush in my right hand, my blouse on the bathroom floor, my hair up - I was purging. Three hours before the New Year, I was purging (oh, and reading). What an awesome way to spend the evening...

   At 15 to midnight, we went outside, watched the fireworks. As the clock struck twelve, everyone was kissing and hugging everyone. I hate that. After that, we went inside and ate. At 1 o'clock, I was with the 12-year-old girl, trying not to bitchslap her*, and commenting on Stacy's blog.

*I can't stand kids who try to act cool, who think they've been through life and know how things work in this world. She was talking on facebook with some guy, saying that she "didn't get drunk." Of course you didn't get drunk, what did you drink all night, Pepsi?! Also, she borrowed me the Vampire Diaries book. I read 100 pages the entire day and, to be honest, didn't really like it. But this didn't bother me that much. Do you know what bothered me? She said, "I didn't sleep all night. I went to sleep at 5. I read, like, 70 pages of Vampire Diaries - from 30 to 100 or something like that." Okay, I thought. But guess what? As I was reading the book (I got to page 120), I noticed that, after the 30th page, the pages were perfectly untouched. How dare she LIE to me?! I didn't judge her for not reading, but for LYING. Pshhh.

   Other than that, the blog is one year old today! Weeee!

   I'm getting started on "Persuasion" by Jane Austen and "Shakespeare - Complete Works"

   And I'm leaving tomorrow with my two best friends and my family - we're going to Bucharest. My birthday's on the 11th of Jan and I wanted to celebrate it there, at my mom's house.