Friday, January 18, 2013


   I haven't eaten since *drum roll* Sunday. Despite that, I have consumed liquids: milk, coffee, hot chocolate. My energy level is not very low, but my therapist, who saw me yesterday, said I looked pale and tired. I shouldn't, but I am happy that I didn't eat. It makes me feel accomplished, fulfilled. I am getting more tired by the minute. I will go to bed as soon as I finish this post. I am going to eat tomorrow.

   It's the first time this week that I'm feeling hungry. Well, not necessarily hungry, but like "something" is missing. Super-smart me, I took 3 laxatives earlier today. I am expecting pain, exhaustion and poor sleep tonight.

   Of course, I lost weight. During the holidays, except for when I was with my friends, I managed to control my intake a bit. That means, not snacking all day long. Which is a good thing. My BMI is 20.2 I lost 1.5 kg (3-4 pounds) this week.

   To be honest, I feel a bit guilty for writing this on my blog. I know it is read by people trying to lose weight, eating disordered people, people trying to recover from an ED or just ordinary people who are not concerned about their body and weight. I am not saying that not eating is good. It is, actually, an unhealthy thing which can lead to death - I am aware of this. However, I am not sure why I am doing it. Other than seeing my body and the number on the scale change, there is also this tiredness I get after a few days of not getting enough calories - the kind of tiredness I feel after a hard workout. (By the way, I also went to gym on Tuesday. I only exercised for 1h-1.5h, maybe, but it was enough to make me dizzy) It is the Wonderland I am traveling to. I'm in this parallel world, you see, where nothing is real anymore, where I hide food from my dad, pretend I ate it, then give it to my friends the next day - my friends who don't suspect a single thing.

   What I'm trying to say is, I'm not recommending this to anyone. It is one of the most used cliches, but exercise and a healthy diet will help you lose weight. Like I said above, my goal is not only to lose weight, but to achieve a certain physical and mental state (Wonderland). I feel like I can't breathe anymore.


  1. It pains me to read this, Chanelle. I actually paused for a moment after reading this, not knowing how to respond. I don't even know you and I had a split moment where my stomach sank and my eyes swelled with tears. You have been such a great support to me, always commenting on my blog, lifting me up when I am feeling down, and encouraging me throughout my entire recovery. I wish I could do something to get you out of this slump, and to help you through this as much as you helped me; but you know as well as I do, that the hard work must come from you. If you need anything, please let me know. Try and stay safe. :-\

  2. Aww... My second thought after reading this was just "wow, I wish there was something that I could do" (sadly, my first thought was 'Wow, I wish I had that much self-control'). I know that we barely know each other, but I don't like that things are like this for you. I hope that eating went well for you today and that you will continue to do so. Best wishes.