Sunday, September 8, 2013

Second laxieversary

   Here I am, two years after purchasing my first box of laxatives ever. I took 10 little, orange pills a few hours ago. I had to use the bathroom five minutes ago. I can't believe this is happening, someone like me is not supposed to go through this. I know I'll be here on the 8th of September, 2014. And if I won't be here, then I will be buried several meters under the ground. 

   The pain I get is very normal to me now, I take laxatives a few times per week, it depends on what and how much I eat, how much money I have left and how many times I get out of the house. 

   Our parents got my brother and me a Guinea pig today, it is fluffy but gets scared very easily. 

   All I can think of are the laxatives and how it feels like my entire life depends on them. I am stuck.

   I should definitely blog more often, I have been neglecting the blog lately. But school starts in a week and I plan on having an organized schedule. I hope. I hope.

   If you want to see last year's laxieversary post, you can go here.

Tuesday, August 6, 2013

Out of the blue

   The house is full of boxes, we're moving out tomorrow. A lot of things have happened since my last post.

   The most interesting one would be that I went out with my ex. We went in some woods with a tent. At some point, we started kissing and making out, we did things we had never done before, went farther than ever (no, we didn't have sex). Those few hours were romantic and I never wanted them to end. I felt like a slut, don't know why, maybe because he only seemed to have done it for fun, while I also did it because I was still in love with him. An hour later, he texted me and said he figured out he cared a lot about me. He has this female friend who's his age. They talk a lot and he always tells me about her, it is bothering me. I tried to give him some signals, to make him understand that I don't need to know about her. In addition, he's telling me a lot of things about his friends, but his friends don't even know who I am. Does that mean that I'm too important for him and he wants to "keep" me for himself, or does it mean that I'm not important at all? The story is very long, but to make it short, I've decided to stay away from him for a day or two, because he's hurting me.

   Things have been okay school-wise. I have the highest admission grade in my class, it was a 9.71, and the person right below me had a 9.06. It is much lower than mine, the grade below me would have usually been a 9.69 or something like that, then 9.65 and so on. Other than mine, the grades in my class are very close one to another, so this only proves that I'm smarter and more hard-working that my future classmates.

   I am leaving tomorrow and it's saddening me. I don't even want to think about it, it doesn't seem real. Is anyone still reading my blog?

Tuesday, July 2, 2013


   I am done with my exams, I even know the grades I got. 8.9 in Romanian (but I reported it, because it is too low. many people have reported it), 10 in German (the only clear 10) and a 10 in Math. these grades will decide whether or not a person gets accepted into a certain school or not. My grades are high, so I can enter almost any school in the country. I am at a friend's house for the following days, then I'm going to Bucharest to apply for a German school.

   It's officially summer for me, too, so I will try to get the sleep and free time I didn't have for the last 9 months.

Thursday, June 13, 2013

Last day

   Today was my last day in this school, in this class. Tomorrow is the prom, we have the exams in two weeks and then everything is over. They will be all gone.

   I took laxatives this morning and didn't have the chance to use a bathroom for 8 hours. I was in hell. I started getting the chills around noon (6 hours after taking the pills). I felt cold, sick, nauseated. At some point, the pain was incredible, I couldn't walk. I lived in hell for about two hours. I hope that no one will ever have to experience such pain. The awful thing is, I also had to keep all the shit inside me, but it was so hard. I felt like I would explode. I was sweaty and cold.
   As soon as I entered the house, I ran into the bathroom and let it all out. I was praying, thanking God for keeping me alive and clean. My body and clothes were wet. My hair was wet. I must have spent around 15 minutes on the toilet, almost crying, shaking, with my eyes closed. Then I took off my slightly wet shirt and lay on the bed, eyes closed, imagining I was a dying person, because this is what it felt like.
   Otherwise, my day was nice.

   Tomorrow will be an amazing, but sad, day. I finished the year with a 9.81 (10 being the highest) average, the 4th of my class. We are a genius class.
   We also had some ribbons with many layers on which people wrote. 24 out of my 28 classmates wrote on them, but some teachers did, too. My English teacher wrote "Nice, wonderful kid. Stay positive and be lucky. Hugs, teacher" and I had tears in my eyes while she was writing it. She is my favourite teacher, but she isn't coming to our prom... such a shame. My German teacher wrote that she was very proud of me, that I am an amazing person. She was holding back her tears after she finished writing. These days are incredibly emotional, I will never forget them.

Friday, May 24, 2013


   Exactly two years ago, I purged for the first time.

   What a fancy, classy, lady-like thing to do. I am extremely proud. Couldn't be happier. Because gaining 10 kilos, shitting blood, not being able to shit without laxes, [and so on and so forth] - all because of an eating disorder - are great things that everyone is dreaming of!


Sunday, May 12, 2013

Moving out and dad

   Yes, it's been a long time since my last post. No time and motivation to write. I have some news, though. (long post coming up)

   I think I've said before that my mother has moved to Bucharest. New job, more money, new people. this was a good change for me, because I've been feeling a lot better since she has left. We see each other two-three days a week, though, sometimes less often. My parents told me that we will move in August. Actually, a few months ago they said I could choose to do whatever I wanted and I said I'd stay at my grandma's. A few weeks ago they told me that my grandma doesn't want to be responsible for me. What the heck? Do I look like a girl who gets drunk and stoned every single day? I was very pissed at my grandma and I still am, but now that I think about it, I would have hated living with her. Old furniture, old people, old mentality. If before I used to see her 6 days a week, now we barely see each other twice a week -- yes, I am avoiding her.

   I have been to our apartment (I also hate the transition from a house to an apartment, despite having lived in an apartment before) multiple times before. It's actually a villa with 3 or 4 apartments, there's also an indoors pool. I live next to a bunch of V.I.P's, which is why there are some sort of bodyguards with guns sitting in a car in front of the villa. My parents also said that they'll get me some small pet after moving. Not a dog or a cat, but a mouse or Guinea pig or something. I want a rat. The city is also more modern, because it is the capital. It is the only city in Romania with a subway, which I love.

   But just to make this clear, I hate the fact that I have to move there. I would never move to another city in Romania, but I would move to another country like Austria or Germany.

   Let's talk about the school now! It is called "Goethe" and people say it's the best German school in Romania. I will not believe this until I get there and see the teachers and the people and so on. If I google the school, I get some really interesting results. One of them is an article called something like "The teachers from Goethe don't know German." -- greaaaaaaat. Then there are 345676587 articles about the parents using fake papers to prove that their kids have German nationalities, which is required in order to be accepted into the school (for the first graders)... I'm not sure whether these papers are mandatory or not, but I know that if you have them, you 100% get accepted. I don't know how I should look at this: a) I will go to a school where most of the students have parents who have handed in fake papers in order to get their kids into this school or b) it's such a good school that parents would do anything to get their kids accepted. I think I'll pick a), just because I hate this entire moving situation. Other than that, I went to the school one week and a half ago, while we were visiting my mom. I went to the school with my 23-year-old female friend, the ex of the pedo 25-year-old (I can't remember writing about this here, but there was this huge argument between him and me+the 23-year-old friend. nevermind). We have both agreed that the school looks like a prison, at least on the outside. I hope that it looks better on the inside. Not to mention the facebook photos of some of the girls in this school - totally pathetic. Anyways, these kind of girls are everywhere, so it will be nothing new.


   Something horrible happened last night. I looked through some messages between my dad and my mom (don't ask why I do that, I know I shouldn't, but I do not trust them anymore and I need to know if theya re talking about me or about our moving to Bucharest. I am incredibly paranoid about that). There was a text message from mom to dad: "I can't sleep at night, I can't eat, I can't focus at work. How could you do this to me? How could you do this to us? Do you realize how bad this is?" Then he said something like "I have admitted that it is bad. But you can't always blame me and only believe what others say. Not every female person I talk with is someone I also sleep with."
   And that tore me apart.

   Not because I care so much about our integrity as a family, but because he is a cheater. My dad is a cheater. He is a disgusting person. I remember, when I was five years old, I found a porn video on our computer. Lesbian stuff. Then, sometime in January, I found lots, lots of porn sites in my dad's web history, on his laptop. His laptop broke a few weeks later, and he used my second laptop for a few days. Then he gave it to my uncle to install something on it. After I got the laptop back, I looked at the web history again and found porn, again. I thought "No, not my uncle... he can't be such a disgusting person, too," but then I looked at the date: the beginning of February. It was my dad. I couldn't resist the temptation to find out what exactly he was looking at (not the videos themselves, but you know, the general idea). I found a site with teen porn. That broke my heart and I started crying. And I kept crying for a few days, when I was alone. One night I looked again, more carefully, and found a dating site... well, not actually dating, but more like looking at pictures of naked girls and also having the possibility to contact them. There was only one woman's page that he opened: a woman from our city. Obviously blonde dyed hair. Obviously whore.

   The reason why these things affect me so much is because he is a married man with kids. How can he wake up in the morning, look in the mirror and not want to break it? How can he live with himself knowing what he has done? I can't even look at him anymore, he is disgusting me. People like him should be tortured, killed, murdered. I want to make him eat everything I will ever vomit from now on. There was this chinese torture method... Put the person in a huge pool (or something...) with milk and honey, force them to drink a lot; then they have diarrhea and poop into the same place they're drinking from, force them to drink and eat again, then they are eaten by flies. This is what my dad deserves. Disgusting.

Monday, April 22, 2013







Friday, April 19, 2013

I want to put my life on "stand-by"

   Three weeks ago I was diagnosed with gastritis. I took some pills for about two weeks. The abdominal pain came back. Now the doctor said I might have Irritable Bowel Sindrome. I'm taking some other pills. Thank you so, so much, eating disorder. The doctor said the gastritis was from stress. Well, if I had gastritis, I think the frequent vomiting would have been the cause. I'm pretty sure. Now I can bet that the IBS is a consequence of 1 1/2 year of misusing laxatives. Thanks again, ED.

   I am back to not eating/restricting. I've only eaten on Thursday this week, but then purged anyway. I went to gym twice. I am not exhausted yet. I feel good. But I've been googling stuff like "eating disorder starvation" or "eating disorder consequences" (yeah, I do that... I also google "laxative pain" when I'm on the toilet at 4 AM, shitting bricks, shivering and being in excruciating pain from the laxes). The things I have read were heartbreaking and shocking - not that I hadn't known of them before. starvation consequences, purging consequences. So many "death", "heart attack", "organ failure", but still, here I am, not caring. Actually, there's me and all the other disordered people.

   I admire people who have recovered (and that includes you, Stacy). Thinking about the future, I imagine myself as a grown up, happy and healthy, with a huge ED history, but I can't imagine an actual "recovery." Heck, this has only been going on for 2 years and I already have IBS and can't shit on my own and so on. Blah.

   "The deadliest of all psychiatric disorders."

Monday, April 8, 2013


   Yes, yes, it's been a long time since my last post. I went away to the National German Olympics. I won the first place in my age group. Basically, in my age group, I'm the best at German. Which is... cool.

   I cut my hair shorter again, it's a thing I just randomly do every now and then. I like it.

   Tomorrow I'm leaving, I'm going with my family to Budapest, then to Prague. I can't wait to go the Hard Rock Cafes in Budapest and Prague.

   I'll also attent an Emilie Autumn concert in August. I have a regular ticket (~28 euros) and a VIP ticket (75 euros), I'm very excited. I'll meet her face-to-face! Yay!

   I swear i have no idea what else to say. I used to write such long posts. Now I feel like all my imagination has gone down the drain.

Sunday, March 24, 2013


   I simply can't find any time or motivation to blog anymore. I'm too busy with throwing up, taking laxatives, eating, sleeping, doing homework... lots of it. I feel so miserable. How did this happen? You'd think that an eating disorder - which does not include binging, only purging - would make one thinner, skinny. But I somehow managed to go from 58 kg to 64-65. How did this happen? How? I am disappointed. I am incredibly stressed this year, but really? 7 kg? This is not okay...

   On a more positive note, I am going to the National Olympics in German. Again. That means, basically, that I'm the best in German in my entire city. Last year I was the 3rd in the whole country (for my age group). All I have to do is write, there are no grammar exercises. Obviously, you have to have good grammar in order to write a story well.

   I miss my old self.