No idea...

   I feel very confused at the moment.

   I have been purging everything I'd eaten. I lost weight and reached a BMI of 19.5, which is lower than I have been lately. And It felt.. okay. I could not stay away from food, but I didn't binge, either. I purged what I ate. My throat hurts and I can no longer purge, since I'm very used to it now. I have taken 20 paxatives today. I have probably eaten a bit more, but my weight is the same as in the morning. I have gained probably one kilo from not purging yesterday. I feeeel.. awful.

   Not because of the gain. But because I am psychologically messed up.

   I keep dreaming of him, I want to get him out of my mind. I hate the fact that I obsess so much about him. I don't want to be with him again. I can even accept the idea that he might be seeing other girls now (though I don't have any evidence). I... I don't know. I want to die, to fade away, to have never been born. To have never had an eating disorder, to have never been depressed, to have never done anything, never, anything. Sometimes I wish I were just an average person, with a bunch of friends and superficial and dumb and ugly and just a stupid bitch whom everyone would hate. That would be better because bitches are stupid and don't give a fuck about what people think about them, they don't care that they are stupid and attention-seeking and all that.

   I want sedatives.

   Last week, I took some "sedatives" (they are called Sedatif PC, so I guess they're some sort of sedatives) and had such a good sleep. Last year, on the 12th of October, he and I were officially together. I also had my first therapy appointment on that day. Since I am the kind of person who "celebrates" things like that, I wanted to take 34 (all that's left) of those pills. They are harmless, but I think and hope that they will bring me to wonderland. I can't do that next weekend (the 12th is on Friday), so it's planned for the week after that. Sedatives, Nurofen (risk of ulcers..? Who cares? -- I am sarcastic here, I don't want ulcers, but the idea of doing harm to myself is tempting), probably some beer and probably some laxatives. I just hope I won't sleep too well and wake up surrounded by.. you know, the thing that happens when you take laxatives.

   And I've already written too much. Have a nice day and hope that just breathing will magically kill me.

Bye again?

   Yup! We are going to London. I have a plane in less than 12 hours, at 6 AM. We will get up at 3 AM, might not even sleep. No, I'll sleep. I'll try to.

   My room is finally furnished, I just cleaned my dressing room today.. It took me the entire day, but it was worth it, it is so neat now. I'll post pictures when I come back. Hopefully.

   See you guys soon! :)

I have returned

   Our trip was more or less eventful. The spicy details will come tomorrow. It felt like home...

Edit: I have talked to my mom and told her I'm not going to church tomorrow, because I need to take lax so I will probably write the next post this night. This sleepless night...

Random Journal Entries

   Before I say what I wanted to say, I have changed the blog design. I hope you - if there is anyone out there reading this - like it.

   I have been StumbleUpon-ing a lot these days, since I am at home and have absolutely nothing to do. I found some nice blogs/sites which had lists of journal writing prompts. There is usually a sentence or question that tells you to describe something about yourself (usually). This means, every now and then I'll be randomly picking one of them and turn it into a blog post.

   I wish you have a good day/night and I'll see you later. :)

An update

   I just wanted to say that maybe I'll post less often now. I started school today, and since there are a lot of things that I want to do (read, watch Grey's Anatomy, paint), I don't know if I'll be able to post every day.. but I will try. Just so you know, I have already written 8 chapters of the book-attempt, but I have yet to edit them. I am still in the process of editing the next part, so check back tomorrow or on Wednesday and perhaps there will be a new post with the next part.

Thank you and have a nice day =]