Friday, October 5, 2012

No idea...

   I feel very confused at the moment.

   I have been purging everything I'd eaten. I lost weight and reached a BMI of 19.5, which is lower than I have been lately. And It felt.. okay. I could not stay away from food, but I didn't binge, either. I purged what I ate. My throat hurts and I can no longer purge, since I'm very used to it now. I have taken 20 paxatives today. I have probably eaten a bit more, but my weight is the same as in the morning. I have gained probably one kilo from not purging yesterday. I feeeel.. awful.

   Not because of the gain. But because I am psychologically messed up.

   I keep dreaming of him, I want to get him out of my mind. I hate the fact that I obsess so much about him. I don't want to be with him again. I can even accept the idea that he might be seeing other girls now (though I don't have any evidence). I... I don't know. I want to die, to fade away, to have never been born. To have never had an eating disorder, to have never been depressed, to have never done anything, never, anything. Sometimes I wish I were just an average person, with a bunch of friends and superficial and dumb and ugly and just a stupid bitch whom everyone would hate. That would be better because bitches are stupid and don't give a fuck about what people think about them, they don't care that they are stupid and attention-seeking and all that.

   I want sedatives.

   Last week, I took some "sedatives" (they are called Sedatif PC, so I guess they're some sort of sedatives) and had such a good sleep. Last year, on the 12th of October, he and I were officially together. I also had my first therapy appointment on that day. Since I am the kind of person who "celebrates" things like that, I wanted to take 34 (all that's left) of those pills. They are harmless, but I think and hope that they will bring me to wonderland. I can't do that next weekend (the 12th is on Friday), so it's planned for the week after that. Sedatives, Nurofen (risk of ulcers..? Who cares? -- I am sarcastic here, I don't want ulcers, but the idea of doing harm to myself is tempting), probably some beer and probably some laxatives. I just hope I won't sleep too well and wake up surrounded by.. you know, the thing that happens when you take laxatives.

   And I've already written too much. Have a nice day and hope that just breathing will magically kill me.

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