Friday, December 7, 2012

Where am I?

   I lack the motivation to write. And the enthusiasm and love and passion to write on this blog, or on any blog for that matter.

   I went to Bucharest last weekend and met the 24-year-old guy face-to face, along with his girlfriend. He is a nice dude. His girlfriend is the sweetest person I've ever met. I kind of like them. :)

   Cutting... it hasn't happened "seriously" for some time. I cut my wrist two weeks ago. And then, while I was in Bucharest, I cut my chest and abs. My purging frequency has also decreased, but so has my eating.

   So, my mom has officially moved there. The house is so silent when she's not here. There's so much peace and quiet. After talking to my therapist, she made some connections between my behavior and my mother's moving to Bucharest. When she's not here, I don't cut, I don't purge. Makes sense to me, honestly. She has been an awful parent during my childhood and I can't forget everything she's said and done.
   On the other hand, the apartment she's moved in is nice. My room is so, so small, but I like it. While we were there, like I said, I went out with the 24-year-old and his girlfriend. He took me on a ride on his motorbike and I enjoyed it. We have become closer, I think. I was about to tell him about my ED yesterday, but ended up telling him he'll find out sometime later.

   School's fine, could be much better. We had an exam simulation for Romanian, Maths and German. We'll have some exams this summer, and these ones were exactly like the ones we'll write in June, they're just not the exams themselves. I got the 2nd or 3rd highest average. And also, the highest mark in German out of 60 people.
   I got the highest in Romanian, for the semester paper. People keep praising me and I hate the attention, it makes me feel uncomfortable. sometimes I wish I weren't doing so well in school but then I come back to reality and tell myself that yes, getting high grades is good! It is good! And I am proud of myself, I just hate it when people see my good traits and my qualities.

   I have gone back to the gym.. Hoping that I'll go regularly from now one. I didn't eat anything today, but I'm having a beer right now. I am dizzy and tired and have blurry vision. This isn't happening because I get drunk easily - no -, but because, well, I'm drinking beer on an empty stomach. I'll be fine. I want to sleep. I am tired, tired, tired...

   Seriously, I hope that none of you thought that anything had happened to me only because I didn't post anymore. I'm saying this because I usually worry when someone stops posting on their blog. Is anyone still reading these words of mine?

1 comment:

  1. Hey chanelle...good to hear from you...I don't know about the others but let me tell you that I'm always here for you and yes I am still reading your posts..even if I don't comment something..just know that I'm still reading.
    Take care. <3 :)