@Jessica: First of all, I blog because it's the only safe way for me to get out my feelings. Relieving pain and other emotions works a lot better for me if I do it through some sort of art: writing, painting, playing guitar and so on. I think the reason why blogging didn't make me happy anymore is that I started using other coping mechanisms, the self-destructive ones: cutting, purging, pills and so on. It took me some time (as you can see) to start writing again, I had to find a balance in my life, a little more inner peace, to eventually be able to start writing again. There comes a time when you look back and all you see is negativity; in my case, pain, suicidal thoughts, depression, desperation. Now that I'm feeling better and that things have settled down a bit, writing has turned into a pleasant activity again.
@Stacy: I missed you too! My face had probably turned white when I saw that your blog was set to "private." It has happened to me before that awesome bloggers have stopped writing, so I wasn't sure if you'd come back or not. I can't wait to read your following posts.
@int0xic4ted (I'll write in English to give everyone the chance to understand): My parents haven't said anything about the pills anymore. Everytime there's an argument, we all just pretend it never happened. I do it because I find all of our fights pathetic, and they ignore everything because they don't want to admit that there's something wrong. They are so oblivious. During every weekend, for more than a year now, I've been using the toilet (oh, the joy of taking laxatives) several times in the middle of the night. The bathroom is 5 meters away from their room, so there's a huge chance that they hear when I flush the water. This entire situation should have raised some question marks.
I'd like to thank everyone for reading and commenting. It means so much to see that there's someone out there who takes a few minutes of their free time to write a bunch of nice sentences to someone who lives thousands of kilometers/miles away from them.
I could also write a short update now. It's probably not going to end up as short as I want it to, but I'll do my best.
- My hair is shoulder-length now. I impulsively cut it a few days ago.. still better than cutting myself, right? Mhm. At least it looks okay. I have had it very long for a few years, it feels so much better now.
- It's been two weeks since I had the nerves extracted from one of my teeth. I was under anesthesia, so it was painless. One week after that, the dentist filled the hole with.. something (??), she used anesthesia again, but my tooth still hurts for some reason. Anyways, it's getting better every day. I have another appointment this week.
- Still awful weight. Bleah.
- This month has been and is still going to be incredibly busy for me, because I have my semester papers. I'm done with Geography and German. The first one went better than expected (I knew the answers and all that, but we still didn't get the papers back) and the one in German.. well, it could've gone better. I'm probably just pessimistic, but I know that I will get a good mark. I have to. I muuuust.
- My mom has officially moved to Bucharest. She works for an Austrian bank now and earns even more. She'll be in Vienna for the next 10 days, my brother and I stay home with dad. Honestly, I am happy that she has moved. Her presence irritates me, frustrates me. The moment she enters the house, I binge or do something that I later regret. The house is so quiet when she's not here. So peaceful..
- I have seen my ex a few days ago. It was 8 o'clock, completely dark outside, we were walking. Talking. Laughing. Joking. It went so perfect that I started listening to love songs again, making plans that we'll be together again and all that. He never called back. I texted him on Thursday and had a short, meaningless conversation with him. I decided to back off.
- The almost 25-year-old I've been talking to for the last 2 years has begged me, after telling him I was seeing my ex, to block him on facebook and Yahoo. He still hopes he'll have me. To be honest, I hate seeing him like that. It hurts to be in his position, loving someone without being loved back. I see that he cares about me, but I can't see him as more than a friend. The next day, he told me he had been involved in a motorbike accident the night before. "Nothing more, just a few bruises." He told me how stupid he was (for asking me to block him). I said I couldn't go on like that, because "we are like a couple who keeps breaking up and making up, over and over again." I decided to back off. For a while, at least.
That's all, folks! I wish you an amazing day or evening or whatever.