Friday, December 28, 2012

Happy Holidays! :)

   Hello there, people who might be still reading my blog.

   This time of the year is very hard for me, because it involves food. Tons and tons of food, so I have to purge and take laxatives. Great. I have also received a bunch of nice gifts... but that's not what I want to talk about in this post.

   I have a classmate who is depressed and suicidal. Long story short, she's seeing a crappy therapist, her mom doesn't give her the pills the way she should, and she's been pretty much physically and emotionally abused.

   We had a German class together on Wednesday (yesterday). She told me she couldn't write because she had a deep cut on her arm. She showed it to me - yes, it was deep. You could see the muscle. It didn't scare me though, because I am used to that kind of cuts. Some of mine looked a bit like that, but they were smaller. Nevermind. So I convinced her to let me take her to the ER, she needed stitches. After the class was over, my mom took us to the ice rink and left. This girl then told me that we can't go to the ER, because they'll send her to the psych ward. I was desperate and my heart had been racing for the past three hours. So, the next thing we did was go into a pharmacy. I bought some Betadine and bandages. We went into a Cafe, walked straight to the bathroom and "fixed" her. It was pretty useless, but it was all I could do.

   I talked to her last night. She was suicidal, crying and so on. I convinced her AGAIN to go to the ER with me. We met today around 2 PM. We went to the hospital and she went to see a doctor. I waited outside. They called her parents. Her parents came. Her abusive father didn't say a word to me, but her slightly saner mother thanked me. Then her father started being mean and rude to her. I waited until she and her mother went to see the doctor again. I had to leave after that.

   We knew that she would end up in the psych ward. We knew that the entire situation will suck even more after her parents find out.

   I called her a few hours after that. She told me they didn't send her to the psych ward. They stitched her cut. Her father was obviously an ass and restricted her internet access. He's an alcoholic and so on, the girl has been living in an unhealthy environment for years.

   Then, someone else called me. The German teacher. She's a 30-something, just married, nice woman. She and her husband are family friends with the girl's parents and they see each other and talk often. The teacher knows about the girl's "issues." She asked me a few things, I did my best to make her understand the girl better. A few  minutes after that, I talked to the girl again. Surprisingly, she said that the teacher knows I'm cutting, too. I was incredibly surprised! It doesn't necessarily bother me, as long as she doesn't talk to me or to anyone else about it.

   I hope the girl will be alright..

   I have been cut-free for a week. Before that, I was cut-free for 2 or 3 weeks. I'm getting better. My birthday's in two weeks, but I'm celebrating it with my best friends next week. We're going to Bucharest, where my mom recently moved. I can't wait.

   I hope you guys are ok! :) I wish you a happy New Year!

Tuesday, December 18, 2012


   I have been feeling so much happier lately. I don't know why. Winters are usually cold, depressing, dark and so on. everything is much better this winter.

   To be honest, I think my eating behavior and my mom's leaving had a huge impact on my feelings. The house is a very quiet place without her. The relationship with my parents hasn't ceased to be deteriorated, it's not getting better, but at least the house is silent, there's silence. Holy silence...

   As for my eating disorder, well... I am back to food-free days, followed by binge-days where I purge 3 pounds or so at a time. Extremely fun, what can I say? thing is, I'm losing weight. And I'm empty. Oh God, my weight is not that much of a problem. It's the "progress" that I make. Weight loss is seen as an incredibly positive thing in our society, which is why it makes me happy. I know that I am at a healthy BMI, but my eating patterns help me reach a peaceful state of mind. There's peace...

   I also started going to gym again.

   I am afraid that this joyfulness won't last for long. My moods keep swinging between extreme high and extreme low and it usually lasts for a few months.. Let's see.

January 2011-May 2011 --> extremely, strangely happy and positive about everything
May 2011 --> onset of depression and ED
September 2011 --> had a perfect relationship with my ex, very happy
October 2011 --> started going to therapy
October 2011-June 2012 --> my condition kept getting worse
June 2012 --> ex and I broke up
June 2012-August 2012 --> summer of depression and suicidal thoughts and pill-taking and wrist-cutting
August 2012-November 2012 --> gradually feeling better, cutting decreased significantly, eating disorder issues increased
November 2012-present --> feeling very good, nearly no cutting, but going days without food and still binging and purging, plus taking laxatives.

   Where am I going?

Friday, December 7, 2012

Where am I?

   I lack the motivation to write. And the enthusiasm and love and passion to write on this blog, or on any blog for that matter.

   I went to Bucharest last weekend and met the 24-year-old guy face-to face, along with his girlfriend. He is a nice dude. His girlfriend is the sweetest person I've ever met. I kind of like them. :)

   Cutting... it hasn't happened "seriously" for some time. I cut my wrist two weeks ago. And then, while I was in Bucharest, I cut my chest and abs. My purging frequency has also decreased, but so has my eating.

   So, my mom has officially moved there. The house is so silent when she's not here. There's so much peace and quiet. After talking to my therapist, she made some connections between my behavior and my mother's moving to Bucharest. When she's not here, I don't cut, I don't purge. Makes sense to me, honestly. She has been an awful parent during my childhood and I can't forget everything she's said and done.
   On the other hand, the apartment she's moved in is nice. My room is so, so small, but I like it. While we were there, like I said, I went out with the 24-year-old and his girlfriend. He took me on a ride on his motorbike and I enjoyed it. We have become closer, I think. I was about to tell him about my ED yesterday, but ended up telling him he'll find out sometime later.

   School's fine, could be much better. We had an exam simulation for Romanian, Maths and German. We'll have some exams this summer, and these ones were exactly like the ones we'll write in June, they're just not the exams themselves. I got the 2nd or 3rd highest average. And also, the highest mark in German out of 60 people.
   I got the highest in Romanian, for the semester paper. People keep praising me and I hate the attention, it makes me feel uncomfortable. sometimes I wish I weren't doing so well in school but then I come back to reality and tell myself that yes, getting high grades is good! It is good! And I am proud of myself, I just hate it when people see my good traits and my qualities.

   I have gone back to the gym.. Hoping that I'll go regularly from now one. I didn't eat anything today, but I'm having a beer right now. I am dizzy and tired and have blurry vision. This isn't happening because I get drunk easily - no -, but because, well, I'm drinking beer on an empty stomach. I'll be fine. I want to sleep. I am tired, tired, tired...

   Seriously, I hope that none of you thought that anything had happened to me only because I didn't post anymore. I'm saying this because I usually worry when someone stops posting on their blog. Is anyone still reading these words of mine?

Monday, November 19, 2012

Replies and updates.

   I'll begin this post with a few replies to my readers:

   @Jessica: First of all, I blog because it's the only safe way for me to get out my feelings. Relieving pain and other emotions works a lot better for me if I do it through some sort of art: writing, painting, playing guitar and so on. I think the reason why blogging didn't make me happy anymore is that I started using other coping mechanisms, the self-destructive ones: cutting, purging, pills and so on. It took me some time (as you can see) to start writing again, I had to find a balance in my life, a little more inner peace, to eventually be able to start writing again. There comes a time when you look back and all you see is negativity; in my case, pain, suicidal thoughts, depression, desperation. Now that I'm feeling better and that things have settled down a bit, writing has turned into a pleasant activity again.

   @Stacy: I missed you too! My face had probably turned white when I saw that your blog was set to "private." It has happened to me before that awesome bloggers have stopped writing, so I wasn't sure if you'd come back or not. I can't wait to read your following posts.

   @int0xic4ted (I'll write in English to give everyone the chance to understand): My parents haven't said anything about the pills anymore. Everytime there's an argument, we all just pretend it never happened. I do it because I find all of our fights pathetic, and they ignore everything because they don't want to admit that there's something wrong. They are so oblivious. During every weekend, for more than a year now, I've been using the toilet (oh, the joy of taking laxatives) several times in the middle of the night. The bathroom is 5 meters away from their room, so there's a huge chance that they hear when I flush the water. This entire situation should have raised some question marks.

   I'd like to thank everyone for reading and commenting. It means so much to see that there's someone out there who takes a few minutes of their free time to write a bunch of nice sentences to someone who lives thousands of kilometers/miles away from them.

   I could also write a short update now. It's probably not going to end up as short as I want it to, but I'll do my best.

  •    My hair is shoulder-length now. I impulsively cut it a few days ago.. still better than cutting myself, right? Mhm. At least it looks okay. I have had it very long for a few years, it feels so much better now. 
  • It's been two weeks since I had the nerves extracted from one of my teeth. I was under anesthesia, so it was painless. One week after that, the dentist filled the hole with.. something (??), she used anesthesia again, but my tooth still hurts for some reason. Anyways, it's getting better every day. I have another appointment this week.
  • Still awful weight. Bleah. 
  • This month has been and is still going to be incredibly busy for me, because I have my semester papers. I'm done with Geography and German. The first one went better than expected (I knew the answers and all that, but we still didn't get the papers back) and the one in German.. well, it could've gone better. I'm probably just pessimistic, but I know that I will get a good mark. I have to. I muuuust.
  • My mom has officially moved to Bucharest. She works for an Austrian bank now and earns even more. She'll be in Vienna for the next 10 days, my brother and I stay home with dad. Honestly, I am happy that she has moved. Her presence irritates me, frustrates me. The moment she enters the house, I binge or do something that I later regret. The house is so quiet when she's not here. So peaceful..
  • I have seen my ex a few days ago. It was 8 o'clock, completely dark outside, we were walking. Talking. Laughing. Joking. It went so perfect that I started listening to love songs again, making plans that we'll be together again and all that. He never called back. I texted him on Thursday and had a short, meaningless conversation with him. I decided to back off. 
  • The almost 25-year-old I've been talking to for the last 2 years has begged me, after telling him I was seeing my ex, to block him on facebook and Yahoo. He still hopes he'll have me. To be honest, I hate seeing him like that. It hurts to be in his position, loving someone without being loved back. I see that he cares about me, but I can't see him as more than a friend. The next day, he told me he had been involved in a motorbike accident the night before. "Nothing more, just a few bruises." He told me how stupid he was (for asking me to block him). I said I couldn't go on like that, because "we are like a couple who keeps breaking up and making up, over and over again." I decided to back off. For a while, at least.
   That's all, folks! I wish you an amazing day or evening or whatever.

Sunday, November 18, 2012

Eternal beauty

   It's 2 AM and I'm wide awake because of the laxatives. I went to the bathroom a few minutes ago and came back into my room after that. Because it was really warm, I opened up a window. I find it incredibly hard to describe the feeling I had.

   The silent night. Darkness. The smell of winter, cold and gas and dirt, fresh dirt. The fog surrounding everything. It was so cold that the smoke coming from the houses' chimneys froze. It just froze and stopped moving. I looked up: clear sky. Maybe 10-20 stars were shining. It's a very rare thing to see stars around here, especially during autumn and winter. There are usually tons of clouds on the sky, but tonight was different. Tonight was so incredibly beautiful that I whispered "Oh my God. Thank you, thank you, nature, for your endless beauty."

   After seeing all these, I can die in peace. It's not that I'm suicidal, but I feel like one of my greatest wishes has been fulfilled. The peace I have now achieved is so intense and deep. It's incredibly beautiful.

   I want YOU to do what I did tonight. Take some time to admire the nature. Especially during the night, just take a look out the window and stare at the hopefully starry sky. Notice one particularly shiny star. Close your eyes and let the wind flow through your hair. Free your mind. Let all thoughts vanish.

Saturday, November 10, 2012

I'm in here

   I'm still here, you know. I am alive. Surprisingly alive. Not knowing which way to go, not knowing which people I belong with. Never having the certainty that this world is real. Is anyone even reading my blog anymore? I doubt it. Seems like my favorite blogger has also shut her blog down/made it private but hasn't updated in over 2 weeks.

   Writing on this blog doesn't bring me as much fulfillment as it used to. But I'm still writing poetry. What else should I say?

   I have just cut. The depression is partially gone, I'd say. I am no longer suicidal and all that, and I'm slowly trying to learn to accept joy into my life. Learning to be more carefree. Learning to be better, because that's the purpose of life. Maybe. Or maybe not. I have cut because blood and pain mean art to me. The flow of the blood, the pain, the way it itches. I'm also still purging. And taking laxatives.

   Don't ask me when, or if, I'll be back. I might write tomorrow. or next month. Or in three years. Who knows?  

   I am asking you, dear reader or visitor or whoever you are, to take a few minutes to listen to this treasure. It is like an orgasm to the ears. It is pure, clear beauty. You sure know it.


Saturday, October 20, 2012

De hy chick

   I guess you could call me Dehy Chick. Dehydrated. De hy. The high chick. Dehy.

   There's a chance that I am not moving anymore. 

   My therapist tried for two hours to convince me not to take some pills. I told her I'd only take a half. I did. she was scared for me. 

   I have a cold. The way-too-many sedatives didn't help me sleep. Only slept for less than 5 hours last night.

   I am talking to the 20-something year-old guy again. He was hoping I would move, because that's the city where he lives. We're like a couple, breaking up, making up, breaking up, making up... In the metaphorical way. One of us usually backs away. But we end up talking again. This is crap.

   I need some time off.. some time in Wonderland...

Sunday, October 14, 2012

Fly far, far away...

   I am moving to another city next summer/fall. My mom got a job there, so she's taking us with her. Doesn't this always happen? Someone gets into deep shit and then pulls everyone else down there. I will leave my friends, my school, everything and everyone. I am a mess.

   Moreover, my parents have found my pills: Nurofen, Sedatif PC and Dulcolax. They lectured me and the bitch was so desperate to see them, "show them to me, show them to me, you are destroying me, i am your mother!!!" Actually, dad went through my things without my permission and that's how he found them. Fucked asshole, how could he look through my private stuff? They were well-hidden. So they made me promise I will throw them away. I said I will. I have taken all of the boxes and emptied their contents into a small bag. I am not stupid, I am obviously not throwing away my pills. It was very difficult to get that money from them and buy pills.

   And they expect me to trust them.

   Get out of my way, I will ruin your lives just like you ruined mine. How dare you force me to move to another city?

   "I know that you are mature enough to know that you should not take pills if they are not prescribed." No, I am, in fact, mature enough to know that DEATH is the only way out, taking those pills will hopefully kill me one day, or this eating disorder, or anything. I am mature enough to understand that I can't get out alive.

   You can't fire me, I quit. This Friday.

   (No, I'm not attempting suicide. Just a long, long sleep.. 34 sedatives and 4800 mg (12 pills x 400 mg) of ibuprofen should work. Oh, and 10-15 laxatives.

   Sing me to sleeeeeeeep..

Friday, October 5, 2012

No idea...

   I feel very confused at the moment.

   I have been purging everything I'd eaten. I lost weight and reached a BMI of 19.5, which is lower than I have been lately. And It felt.. okay. I could not stay away from food, but I didn't binge, either. I purged what I ate. My throat hurts and I can no longer purge, since I'm very used to it now. I have taken 20 paxatives today. I have probably eaten a bit more, but my weight is the same as in the morning. I have gained probably one kilo from not purging yesterday. I feeeel.. awful.

   Not because of the gain. But because I am psychologically messed up.

   I keep dreaming of him, I want to get him out of my mind. I hate the fact that I obsess so much about him. I don't want to be with him again. I can even accept the idea that he might be seeing other girls now (though I don't have any evidence). I... I don't know. I want to die, to fade away, to have never been born. To have never had an eating disorder, to have never been depressed, to have never done anything, never, anything. Sometimes I wish I were just an average person, with a bunch of friends and superficial and dumb and ugly and just a stupid bitch whom everyone would hate. That would be better because bitches are stupid and don't give a fuck about what people think about them, they don't care that they are stupid and attention-seeking and all that.

   I want sedatives.

   Last week, I took some "sedatives" (they are called Sedatif PC, so I guess they're some sort of sedatives) and had such a good sleep. Last year, on the 12th of October, he and I were officially together. I also had my first therapy appointment on that day. Since I am the kind of person who "celebrates" things like that, I wanted to take 34 (all that's left) of those pills. They are harmless, but I think and hope that they will bring me to wonderland. I can't do that next weekend (the 12th is on Friday), so it's planned for the week after that. Sedatives, Nurofen (risk of ulcers..? Who cares? -- I am sarcastic here, I don't want ulcers, but the idea of doing harm to myself is tempting), probably some beer and probably some laxatives. I just hope I won't sleep too well and wake up surrounded by.. you know, the thing that happens when you take laxatives.

   And I've already written too much. Have a nice day and hope that just breathing will magically kill me.

Sunday, September 23, 2012

The joys of having an ED

WARNING: If you are easily disgusted, you should better stay away from this post. At least the first paragraph will be about *drums please* pooping.

   Because I don't eat, abuse laxatives (one lax-free week! wooo!), purge what I eat and so on and so forth, getting that little bastard out of your body will be a little bit worse than hell. You will sit there, pushing and pushing, hoping you will never give birth -- because it hurts so badly. It will stick there, it won't come out. You can't get it out, so the only option would be to push it back (yes. push it back) and hope you'll poop some other time. You will take some toilet paper and send the poo back inside. OR, still using the paper, you will try to dig your finger inside and get "the little bastard" out. Nothing will work. You will push and push, trying to get it out, but every time you do it, you will get dizzy because of all the blood going up in your head. You will want to die. You will bleed. You will be sore. You won't be able to pee (oh, the joys of that..). You will eventually have to use laxatives and mess up everything again.

   Enough with that.

   I am dreaming of myself and my ex every. single. night. Kissing, talking, lovely words, romantic walks. Everything we used to have. I love the dreams, but once I am awake, they will turn into one more thing that is worse than hell. I cried today at the church. I was hoping that my two little cousins will never have eating disorders. That they will never have to go through what I am. I hope that they will never literally understand me. Then, after I came home, I cried listening to love songs.

   My throat is messed up again. I have only eaten on 4 days this week (Tuesday, Thursday and the weekend) -- the first ones were restricted anyways, especially Thursday (2 Maoam stripes. A LOT, right?! *sarcasm*) That's not even "real" food, but I counted it. I think I have lost 4 pounds, but the weight is probably back on. Can't we just.. skip the weekends?! Gahh. Tomorrow I'm turning back to not eating, because I don't eat on week days, but then I'll probably binge again during the weekend.

   Or not. Because yesterday I went to a friend's birthday party and that's why I gained.

   I want to take Nurofen and laxatives and sedatives. The last ones are only supposed to make you sleep better and I'm pretty sure they have no dangerous side effects if taken too many of them. They are not liek actual sleeping pills (which you only get with a prescription). A pill cocktail with some beer. The kind of beer I used to drink with him. We were officially together on the 12th of October, but my theater group and I are performing a play on that weekend, so I might just do it sooner. I like to "celebrate" this kind of stuff.

   Have a good night. Or whatever.

Thursday, September 20, 2012

School has started

   I have only eaten once this week, on Tuesday (it's Thursday today). I am drinking liquids (mostly milk). Losing weight. Dizzy. Tired. Wonderland.

   I talked to my ex and first ex today. I have been dreaming of me an my ex being together. I n my last dream, he kissed me and told me "You are the only girl have ever loved" and was very sweet in general. It hurts me.

   I would rather have nightmares with my first ex than romantic dreams with the other one. I thought getting over him would be hard, not impossible. One second I miss him, the other I hate him, the next I want to ignore him, repeat. But I mostly want to ignore him.

   You have no idea how tired I am. Very much mentally, not so much physically. I want to be in Wonderland again, where I was depressed and suicidal and when I could fucking cut! I need to cut cut cut, bleed to death, die. I am not depressed now, but depression felt SAFE! Now I feel like I am in the middle of a big crowd, surrounded by awesome people and having fun with them and everything is just so perfect that it's too much. When I was cutting and depressed, I was silent and blaaah.. How can I miss being miserable? How messed up is my mind?

   I am not taking the calcium I have been prescribed. I hate the fact that I start every sentence with "I." It's so damn annoying. And I dislike chemistry. We have to do a stupid project in biology. I feel the need to capitalize chemistry ad biology, but I am not sure. I waaaaaaant... /toofuckingmuch

Edit: I also hate the new Blogger look. Last night, when I shaved my legs, I did't know I had mosquito bites on them and accidentally.. shaved them. They used to hurt a lot, but I am better now. AT LEAST I BLED.

Sunday, September 16, 2012

Making a few stories short..

   I went to a doctor a few days ago. I could not breathe, she said I had very low blood pressure and prescribed me some calcium.. Which I'm not really taking. whoops. Still struggling to breathe.

   I am lying to my therapist about my cutting (and self-harm in general0 because I want her to think I am fine, so she'll say we no longer have to meet. She has already kind of said that.. My cutting is a lot less frequent now, but I still do it sometimes because it feels wrong not to do it.

   I am manic lately. Hopeful and happy and.. everything. I am very organized, very clean, I can't sleep at night and I have so many plans for the future! I want to do so many things, have perfect relationships with my friends and less meaningful relationships with boys. I have concluded that they are not worth anything, so I will just stop seeking deep feelings and relationships.

   I am starting school tomorrow (YES!!), so I will most likely not post as often as I do now. Also, I will probably not have the time to read all your blogs, but I will. I usually have more time on weekends. I probably won't comment, but I am reading your blogs. Just so you know.

   I should go and get dressed now. I am seeing Hamlet with one of my best friends (Dee). Yes, I just called her my best friend! I have never done that before. And I'm also having an awesome friendship with Jee. I haven't ever called them these names, but I want to avoid giving any names on this blog. So yes, Dee and Jee are my best friends.

   I feel so relieved that I am single now. Probably the reason why I'm manic.

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

From my old blog

   Just a few quotes I posted exactly one year ago on my old blog. All "created" by me.

"The last thing Chanelle felt was her heartbeat -- she never stopped loving."I call my insane inner self "Chanelle". Such a beautiful name, but the people don't see her insanity."I'll always be remembered as the girl who loved to talk about blood and suicide and death and mental illnesses.""And there's them, who made me feel insecure, used and trapped in my own body. I wanted to escape, to be free, but the train has derailed and there's nothing more I can do but pray to God to let me live one more second.""There are very few people who know which quotes are from the internet/songs and which are from the heart.""How much I will bleed, you won't even believe. But that will only happen if you ever leave."

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Never again.

   To all of the 9/11 victims. To all of the families who have lost their loved ones. To the people all around the world who have suffered as a consequence of this event. May your soul be at peace and this disaster, just a bad memory you'll never have to experience again.

   This is also for Dylan Klebold and his family. He did not die today, though he was born on the 11th of September. He is no longer alive, and even more, a few people are dead/paralyzed/etc now because of his and his friend's actions. Despite that, you will be remembered. May your soul find peace.
This is a photo I have taken at the Dachau concentration camp.
It refers to the Holocaust, but it fits very well here, too.

"Remember youth as you pass by
As you are now, so once was I.
As I am now, you soon will be
Prepare to die and follow me."

Pictures of my new room.

   Here they are, sorry for the low quality.

This here is the bed. I love the blue roof-like thing!

This is just a book shelf. I hate it that, on the right side, the books don't fit
vertically. These ones are huge, I know, but not even the regular ones fit.
These are the "For school" books. Not the actual textbooks, but the above ones could be helpful.

Other two book shelves. Top left: books for younger teens/kids.
Top left: Books I've never read and probably never will.
Bottom left (above): Harry Potter books, 2-7. I lost the first one.
(Oh, and a white candle)
Bottom right (above): A book with graffiti and a red candle.
Bottom left (under): Some books I absolutely love.
Middle: A photo I got from a very good friend (and classmate) with the two of us.
We were 10 when she gave it to me.
Bottom right: The Asylum for Wayward Victorian Girls.
Actually, the entire bottom shelf is meant for books I absolutely love.

Another photo of the bed. The teddy on it is the one I got from
my ex. I still sleep with it at night.. except I don't always kiss him
good morning or good night now. On the left, there's a mirror
and the door to my dressing room.

I could call this my study area. Looking at the above picture,
this should be somewhere on the left. There's the desk, my laptop,
a small lamp, pens and pencils and papers. The drawers are
really cool. You just push them and they open up and it works the same
way when closing them. I've got school notebooks in them.
On the shelf above, there are the books I've already read (top)
and the books I want to read (bottom).

   Well.. tell me what you think?

Monday, September 10, 2012

A bunch of stories I find ironically hilarious

   A few days ago, we had a "family talk." Dad brought us all together: me, mom and little brother sitting on the couch and he in front of us. He started thanking us for such a great vacation, in which we had both "good" and "bad" times (read: our fights, caused by my mistakes, obviously). He thanked especially our mom, because "she paid the entire thing." Give me a break... Also, "this year was financially harder for us, because these 3 weeks of visiting other countries were quite expensive" ("oh, not to mention having to redecorate this bitch's room, what an ungrateful little girl she is" -- they didn't say it, but I think they have at least thought about it). He told us to be respectful, to stay less on the internet, to clean up our rooms and wash the dishes.. After which, turning to me, he told "us" (no, he only meant to say it to me): "If you ever have a problem, you should come to us first. We are your parents and know what's best for you. We will always be here for you, unlike your friends or anyone else. If you have a problem, you discuss it with us, don't try to solve it on your own or with God knows whose help." Excuse meeee? At that moment, I started to laugh hysterically. I laughed for a long time. "When I look at you now, I see myself when my parents told me these things. You'll see, you'll do the same with your kids." To quote my beloved ex, "It's better to show things than to say them." If I'll tell you I have cramps, will you even hear me? Or will you wait until you have to get me to the ER? (It happened)

   Hmm, let me see, one more. Mom cooked yesterday. Lunch and dinner, huge amounts of food. Well, not huge. Just enough for the entire family. And I ate. And ate and ate and ate, because you know what, "I'll purge anyways." Right before puking, I weighed 62.3 (137). After that, I weighed 60.9 (134). Purged 3 lbs, ok. I had taken laxatives a few hours ago. In the morning, after the lax-effect, I weighed *drums please* 59.6  (131). This, my dear ladies, is how to lose weight overnight. Write it down in your tips&tricks notebook. (<-- obvious joke). I feel safe now..
   My therapist seems to not want to see me anymore. She made me decide until Thursday. It's because I can't speak, I can't find a way to speak out my thoughts. There are so many racing through my mind that I can't even speak out loud. She thinks that, because I'm not cutting (this was the only thing she was ever worried about, since my ED is just a "diet"), I am doing so much better. Well, I cut a few days ago on my ribs and inner thighs and lower abdomen, and I hit myself again with my toothbrush. I felt normal again. How can she give up on me when my cutting has decreased, but my ED is taking a turn for the worse? Gahh. She also said that, during this summer, I have been doing so much better with my self-harm. Excuse me? Remember in July, when I have cut the deepest I have ever cut? Remember when I was taking way too much Nurofen (ibuprofen) only to harm myself? Remember the sitting on window sills, remember every-fucking-thing? How can she only see the full half of the glass? She's the nicest lady I've ever met, but God, does she annoy me sometimes.

   I'll finish here, before I remember anything else, because this post is already long enough. I'll post pictures of my new room tomorrow.

Saturday, September 8, 2012


   I feel so stupid for writing that title. I'm the kind of person who writes down everything. First purge, first day without food, first time I took laxatives. It was one year ago, just a few days before school started. I think.

   In the morning, I went to get my legs&etc waxed. I knew I had to buy laxatives after that. Laxatives - what a wicked, strange and new term. The pharmacy was just a few minutes away. I walked inside and axed  asked if they had Dulcolax. The lady said that yes, they had. I asked her to give me one box. I paid and walked away. I had tears in my eyes and I felt sorry, because I knew it was wrong. But I had to take laxes, I just had to.

   As soon as I got home, I took three of them. I was in awful, excruciating, death-inducing,  I'll-never-do-this-again, pain for the rest of the day/night. I also remember that I had a volleyball game the next day, and the lax were still "working." It was embarrassing, because I had to use the toilet a lot and I had cramps and -- it was just awful. I swore never to take them again, even if being empty felt so good. I felt like a snowflake. Cold, light, white, fragile.

   Want to hear another awesome lax story? I was in school and hat taken lax the night before, hoping that I'll be done by the time I have to go to school. They didn't start working until 11 AM, while I was in school. I had cramps and wanted to go home. Anyways, I stayed in school until 2 PM, when classes finished. I went home with my boyfriend (now ex. I should do a post on this) and told him I had cramps, so I probably wouldn't be able to stay much with him.  Brace yourselves. Ready? Ok. I had a little accident on the way home. It was really little, but enough to make me want to run away. I hope he didn't smell anything, God. If I think about it, a normal person would laugh their asses off at this, and I would too, but I can't. I was so insecure, thankfully we were close to my home. AND, thankfully-er, he saw his mom across the street. We couldn't kiss while she was there, right? I don't want to think how weird it would have been if we had been very physically close to each other. So yes, ladies and gentlemen, this was my awesome, literally shitty experience with laxatives.

   Actually, all laxative experiences are literally shitty.

   Where am I now? Taking 15 laxatives in one round, almost everyday (because it's summer and I don't have to get out of the house). It's a 5 times larger quantity, but there is almost no pain/it is bearable. I am very used to them, that's why, and it is sad.

   By the way. I love Starbucks Caramel Frappucinno! Too bad it's probably 300-400 calories, next time I'll take the light one which is under 100 calories. It's so damn expensive.

Thursday, September 6, 2012

I've found a breathtaking, heartbreaking paper.

   I wrote this years ago, while I was still a kid. It breaks my damn heart. It makes me want to cry every single time I read it. I was probably 10 or 11 at that time. It breaks my heart. What I'll write in bold is NOT part of the actual text.

Life's a shit, isn't it? I'm writing these words while swimming in tears. I don't know the sense of life. I never knew it. Always, when I cry... I think: "Why... Why do I exist?" My birth was, is, and will always be a mistake... a big one. I started crying. I was so young. I don't really know... why do I write these words? Maybe to calm down... Maybe I just want to write.. or maybe for no reason. I'm gonna write, why I cry...
I was eating. Now that's awesome, how every single bad thing seems to happen while eating. No wonder I associate everything with it now. My cousin, Ale, wouldn't eat. She was probably 3 or 4. They began to scream at her. I just told 'em to let her do what she wants. Well, not what she wants, but not to force her to eat. She was crying and it broke my heart to see her like that. Then, they told me to shut up. Next, my mom called. She asked me, who I sit next to. In school, that it. Apparently, it was the first week of school. I told her, and it was none of my "BF"'s. Then she told me, they are not true friends if they don't sit next to me. What does she know? Does SHE talk to 'em everyday? No. Then, my "grampies" (haha, grandparents) to wash the plates and stuff (dishes). Am I a slave?! Now, I wouldn't say that today anymore, but they never in their lives asked me to do that. And now, I heard 'em talking 'bout me. Bad things, of course. And now... here's my decision (hope I'll do how I say): (brace yourselves, people.) I don't want to eat anymore. I don't want to care 'bout me anymore. So... I'll write no more. Bye!

   That was it. My eyes were filled with tears when I started typing it. The piece of paper is colored with black pencil, and there are several broken hearts drawn. Even a face of a girl who is crying. Here it is, right in front of you. The proof that I don't have an eating disorder because I want to look good for prom. I knew that not eating would harm me. Now, I don't remember if I actually ate that day or not, but I know there were days when I was a kid when I only ate a slice of bread. Sad, right? Breathtaking. Heartbreaking.

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

The same

   I am back from the trip. 'twas okay. Ate. Purged. Bleeding throat. yay. And I also cut. Minor cuts. fml

   I want to fade, I want to exercise until 5 AM and take a billion boxes of laxatives, no matter the pain. No matter the pain...

Thursday, August 30, 2012

Bye again?

   Yup! We are going to London. I have a plane in less than 12 hours, at 6 AM. We will get up at 3 AM, might not even sleep. No, I'll sleep. I'll try to.

   My room is finally furnished, I just cleaned my dressing room today.. It took me the entire day, but it was worth it, it is so neat now. I'll post pictures when I come back. Hopefully.

   See you guys soon! :)

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Pretty random, I suppose

   Hey there. Not much has been happening lately. I am on my laptop all day long, I finished a book for school and am currently reading another, still in German. I don't eat very much, my appetite has decreased.. Or maybe I'm just very aware of the guilt I'll feel if I eat. I have been purging, anyways. I have been purging despite not feeling/looking full, but I hate having food inside of me.
   As a kid, I have always been forced to clean my plate, up to a point where I did it because I was used to it. I ate until my stomach hurt, until I was sick. I have always been surrounded by food. My grandma still cooks for us every week. She makes soups, potatoes, rice, beans, sweets, everything. And this has been going on since my parents got married. I hate that she is so thin. Not stick-thin, but I think she weighs around 60-something kilos. Probably more, since I'm around 59 now and compared to me, she is way larger. But still, thin for someone her age. So. She never eats. If she eats, it's a salad in the evening. She has osteoporosis. I have no idea since when she has it, but what if she had an ED in the past, or at least disordered eating? Because, according to my therapist, "now THAT'S what I call anorexia" (about my mom). My grandma might have had slightly disordered eating, my mom probably more severe disordered eating ("Oh my God, I went 4 days with only 2 slices of salami!" Bitch, will you please stop bragging?) and now I am the "lucky" one who has a full Eating Disorder. I don't want to have kids. Or if I have, I want to adopt. Imagine how awesome that would be.
   Anyways. I find it weird. And this random post just turned into a "Family history of EDs" post. I am no longer in the lower 60's in the morning, I am in the lower-mid 59's. or, super-high 50's, if you will.

   Someone, please tie my hands to keep me from purging tonight. I don't want to purge...

   But I can't. Do you know why? Because right after I eat, the food comes back up and I have to spit it out -- vomit. It does not come much, but enough to make me think that hey, this will be easy to purge, LET'S PURGE! Maybe the only solution is to stop eating, then there will be nothing left to come out, but heck, human beings eat. I am a human being. Or used to be.

Sunday, August 26, 2012

A quiz I found on the net

   I found it okay-ish, but the results vere the most interesting. Here they are:

Here is the quiz.
You can find more interesting tests here.

   Take a look and share your opinion :)

Saturday, August 25, 2012

"And everything went better than expected."

   At least if you have a messed up ED-mind, like I do. Or like any ED'ed person has. So, thing is, I've been losing weight recently (past 2-3 days, haha), very very little, but I am very satisfied with it. My appetite has decreased (or the laziness has increased) and I haven't thrown up or used lax (who am I kidding, I just had lax kick in yesterday. At least, no throwing up). Today I have eaten like a "normal person" and had some spaghetti in the evening. It wasn't enough to make me feel bloated, but it was enough to make the scale go up. From the 59.5 I weighed in the morning, I now weighed 60.8, and I have to add I've been drinking a lot more, mostly water. Why? Oh, because I am the Dehydrated Chick who has to lick her own hands because they are so dry.  Wicked, right?
   Ok, back on topic. So, I did not feel bloated and I only looked 5 months pregnant (not 9 month pregnant with triplets like I usually do after eating). I initially didn't even think about purging, but I couldn't resist the temptation. In fact, I could have. I just didn't want to. I went into the bathroom and purged. For some reason, the vomit came out so damn fast and so damn much. I have no idea why, because we rarely eat spaghetti and when we do, I rarely purge them. I was like a vomit waterfall. A vomitfall. After taking a shower and plucking and putting eye drops into my eyes, I weighed myself. 59.5, weight morning. And not everything was purged, meaning I really hope to be somewhere below 59 in the morning. PRETTY PLEASE?! My bmi is almost 20, I don't want that, nonono.
   Do you know what I hate? That I don't have a scale of my own. The one and only scale in the house is located in my mom's bathroom and I always have to walk there to weigh myself. How annoying, especially in the morning, when we all wake up and have to use the bathroom. I always have to wait for her to finish so I can weigh myself, graaaaghjghf.

   End of the post, I wish everyone a good day/night/morning/whatever and I'll see you around soon. ^.^

Friday, August 24, 2012

Lax night and feeling dead

   As the title suggests, I have been on laxatives last night. Before they "kicked in," I was dying because of the heat, was all sweaty and tired and just "blah." Then, sometime early in the morning, I started freezing and had awful cramps. I hid under the blanket and wrapped it around myself the best I could. I was still freezing. I went to the bathroom, but nothing came out. Not yet.. So I returned to my bed (what am I talking, it's just a mattress in an empty room, more on that later*) and covered myself with the blanket. I fell asleep. A few hours later, I wake up still freezing and still shaking and full of cold sweat. I went to the bathroom and.. yeah, you can imagine.  I went to sleep some more after that.
   I woke up at 10 am, home alone. I was so dizzy and so tired and my eyes and head and ears hurt. I got up from the mattress, but did it way too quickly. Which is why, after three seconds of spinning around, I collapsed back on the mattress and closed my eyes. After a few seconds I opened my eyes and the first thought that came to my mind was "Did that really happen? Was it just my imagination, did I dream? How did I get here?" It's always like that. I get up too fast, spin around, can't see anything, feel sick and collapse on whatever is closest to me, preferably something soft like a bed.
   I went downstairs and poured myself two glasses of water: I drank one of them and put the other one in the freezer. As I sipped, it felt so funny to have something in my mouth. I moved my tongue around just to "feel" the water. Next, I went where my book was and only started reading after daydreaming and taking short naps for a few minutes. I read a bit and then.. I can't remember what I did. I know that, a while later, I was on my dad's laptop playing some game and eating an apple. After these last few days, just imagine how much I had to weigh (pun very intended) this situation. "No, don't touch food. But it's just an apple. But then you'll start eating more and more and more and end up binging. No, I won't, it's just an apple, people do eat sometimes, you know? Yes, but you could go a little longer without food, just think about it! Yes, body/mind, but I am so lazy to even eat, so tired and feeling so sick, what makes you think I'll eat more? FINE, GO EAT." So I go into the kitchen, guess what. "Where are those fucking apples?! The only time when I decide to eat and actually feel okay with this idea, there are no damn apples!" I eventually found the last apple left and ate it.

   This was my purely awesomistic day, and it's not even 3 pm yet. Oh, oh! The "*" in the brackets above. I am getting new furniture for my room. I will definitely post pictures, because you know what? I would usually post them on my public blog, but I find it a little unfair to share personal stuff with people that don't know me at all. Fuck dem bitcheeez, I love you guys so much more than I like them! I can be myself here, this is our little dark corner where I speak and you listen and when you feel like it, even make some comments; and then we all pack our stuff and move on to someone else's place and so on. Yes, I'll be sharing the pictures with you guys. The furniture will be blue, different shades of it and some white. My walls are now  white (I'm not going to mention the color they were before..), and one of them will be full of pictures of my choice and hand-written quotes. I used to have something like this before, but it was just a poster on which I wrote. Now I'll have an ENTIRE WALL for that, can you imagine? Welcome to The Asylum, girls.

Thursday, August 23, 2012


   It is so damn warm here.. So, I just found a blog of an "anorexic" girl.. At least, that's what her name says. Her blog title is something like "Starvation diary" bur in Romanian. She weighs too much to be anorexic. She'd have to be 6'6" tall to reach a BMI of 17.5, so yes, she is definitely not "truly" anorexic. Despite that, she's only just started her blog, so I have no idea of her background. I don't know if she's ever been anorexic, but she sure as fuck wants to be. If I find she's a wanna, I don't know.. I'll either stop commenting or post negative comments, but hopefully she's not a wanna. I have already left her a comment in which I told her what "awesome stuff" eating disorders come with, she might not give a damn fuck, but I somehow give a lot of fuck about people who are trying to "catch" an eating disorder that will make them all shiny and pretty and get them thrown in the pool by Chad (hat off to anyone who knows what I'm talking about.)
   Yesss, ramble over. I had a therapist appointment today. We came to the conclusion that my parents are somewhat stupid for humiliating me in public. Then we came to the conclusion that it's good to let go of him. Theeen, we somehow came to the conclusion that I'm not doing "all this stuff" to be thin.
   I could write an entire book on that. It's not for being thin, definitely, because I know damn well that throwing up and taking lax (this is my 3rd day off them!) won't make me thin. So, if I know this, why don't I "just stop"?
   Because I fucking can't and am not ready to let these go. The therapist said it's all about my feelings that I need to get out, about the way I censor myself way too much, about the control people want to keep me under and the way I want to escape that control.

   I don't necessarily fantasize about being thin. I fantasize about "being dead, so fucking dead, like a corpse.. white skin, tired eyes, not being able to walk or breathe or speak or concentrate or even live. Ashes, ashes.."
It's a little weird, I know.. "Why in the world would you or anybody else wanna like that?"

   Don't ask me, ask the other me, ask my schizo imaginary friends, my bipolar rats, the homicidal monsters under my bed, my paranoid brain and my cannibal tongue and teeth. Mwhahahaha.

Wednesday, August 22, 2012


   ok, maybe this will be very non-sense and incoherent, i am not going to go back and spell-check and everything. i have just purged and my head is heavy. well. i have got some kind of infection-inflammation-irritation in my mouth, it hurts like hell esp when i eat. spicy or acidic stuff. i have only slept 4 hours last night and my eyes are super-sore. actually i think they're super sore because i've purged yesterday too, my face was red as fuck and my eyes were red and i looked like a demon or zombie or whatever. so i've been having these headaches for a few days now, the thing in my mouth for two days i think.. and yeah, only slept 4 hours. i am off lax for 2 days now because i get cramps out of the blue and then i go and shit and woaaaaah! some lax left in your system since 2 days ago, now that's not weird at all, is it? okokok. um. eah, i've bought some eye drops for my sore eyes, they are still very sore.

   like i was saying, i have just purged, i was not sure at first due to all of the above things. so after not really succeeding at shoving my fingers down my throat (which i rarely do now, i use a brush instead), i decided i should just hit myself with the toothbrush. that kind of sort of turned my entire body red, actually the arms and ribs and hips. ok... after that i tried to purge again and voilaaaa, *hurp*hurp*hurp* for a few minutes, then i just lay myself down on the floor with the toothbrush on my stomach. my throat is so damn numb. it hurts. do you know what it's like to move your toothbrush so violently in your throat that you can feel it like it's going to burst through it and out of th neck? yeah that's so damn sexy. no it's not. then i managed to stand up and my legs were shaky, i looked like a person with a disability or smth (by no means meaning to be rude or offend), my legs couldn't quite support me. then i cleaned up, took a shower and *drums please* went to weigh myself. i only purged 1.2 kg. that iiiiiis, let me google it, 2.6 pounds. Meh.

   i have a therapist appt tomorrow, i'll be full of bruises and with a disgusting hair and face and oooooh, body! and i bet i won't sleep tonight either, despite my eyes hurting so much and my head the same. fuckfuckfuck i sound so stupid. not to mention the way i wrote this post arghhhhhh/bye.

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

This woman deserves a medal

   I walk in.

"Hello, do you have any Dulcolax?"
"Yes, we do." (of course you do, damn.)
"Two boxes, please." (because I can't fit more into my purse)
"Two? Who uses so many laxatives? Do you use them to lose weight?" (imagine sarcastic, ironic, god-that's-so-stupid tone)
"Oh, no no no. My mom told me to buy a box for her and one for grandma." (what you don't know is that I'll use "this many laxatives" in 4 days. how fucked am I?)
"Ok, here you are. 26 RON." (that's our currency. it's worth 7 bucks)
"Thank you. Bye."

   I walk out. I am smiling. On the inside, I am laughing my ass off.

Edit: Oh oh oh. Something more. I think I walked past my first ex (you know, the one I was together with when I started having "trouble") yesterday, twice. We've both seen each other, though none of us said anything. I must admit I kind of went on that street purposely, to see if he's out and if my second ex (the one I broke up with recently) is out. By the way, today is his birthday and I just texted him, he said "Thanks :))." I suppose it's okay. My first ex's birthday is in a few days too, I think, but he never ever told me when it was. I think it's the 24th, but I'm not sure. Ok, enough about exes. I'm on lax and I have cramps. Yaaaay.

Sunday, August 19, 2012

The dream/s (4)

   This is the last post, I think. It is 3 AM as I am writing it, but I will only publish it later. On the way to Vienna, I have had a very interesting dream, it really made me think.

   We were in Vienna. As we were waiting for the light to turn green, a man with some bags in his hands walked across the street and left his bags in the middle of it. I suspiciously walked to them and opened them - bombs. Everyone started screaming and running, I ran into some bushes trying to hide there. But guess what? There was another bomb! Which exploded. The next second I saw myself in our car, dad was driving, I was sleeping. I knew I had died. "But.. But what if my friends and everyone I know won't find out that I am dead? What about *24-year-old man who was flirting with me. See this and this.*, *friend from the internet who knows about some of my issues* and *ex boyfriend*? Will they forget me? Will they know I'm dead? But what about me, there were a few things that I still want to do.. No, girl, it's okay. You are dead now. This is all you ever wanted, you are okay." Then "My Immortal" from Evanescence started playing and I started to see myself less and less, from farther and farther until I woke up.

   "Am I dead? Should I ask them? No.. I'm not dead. But it felt so real."

   there was another dream in which I was with a guy, taller and more handsome than my ex, who was caring and strong and we kissed and I fell in love with him for a second. I quickly forgot him after that, but I'll never forget how he treated me. He was more romantic and caring and warm than my ex, which is what I have always sought.

   Then, another dream. Me and my ex at my place. We were very close to each other. We talked about getting back together, and I told him how many times I had dreamed about that (actual dreams, not day dreaming), but was so happy that it was finally "real." I caressed his hair with my fingers and actually felt it, I thought it was real and couldn't believe it. Then we went into my room and started kissing, he took of his clothes but was very shy, then he disappeared somewhere in my closet, I think. I went to take off my clothes in the bathroom, and while I was doing it, my dad went to my ex and they started fighting, he threw him out of the house.. And then I woke up.

   So wicked.

And your family? (3)

   Okay, I've got another gem here. One early morning, I decided to wear a black dress for breakfast. There was something white on it, maybe some toothpaste, and "she" (mom) told me about it, I told her that it's nothing bad since we aren't going out or anything. I tried to get it off, but only managed to do so partially. After a few minutes, after my dad came, she told me about it again. I told her I don't care, using some swearing (not AT anyone) because 1) it was morning (you better leave me alone at that time of the day) and 2) we were heading to breakfast which means food which means I freak out. So no, I don't think it was wrong at all. Then they started to scold me and so on until we reached our table. There, they started to talk to each other about how rude and impolite I am, how they always do what I want, how ungrateful I am. He told me he'll slap me. I wanted to tell him to go ahead, because anyways, he wanted me dead ("So what, if you die, then we'll bury you, no problem" -- I'll never forget that), but I didn't say anything. As they were humiliating me, I started crying. And to make everything "better," some strangers at a table said: "Look at her face.."

   I'll never forget those words, either. I will never forget the humiliation and shame I felt when they didn't let me go upstairs to wash my face and calm myself down. "Sure, whenever anything happens, you go and do some of your things." (read: cut) He also said that I make a big drama out of everything because I was crying. Out of anger and disgust and humiliation. Of course it was my fault, it wasn't them who made a huge thing out of a little toothpaste on my dress. Go to hell.

   Back on topic, we eventually went upstairs and I went straight into the bathroom. He said, "Don't you dare do any of your shit (cut), I will find out." I answered him with "Yeah, sure" and closed the door. I cut a little, nothing bad, just a scratch - only because he's told me not to. Then, the real pain began. I took my toothbrush and hit myself with it. The pain was terrible, but so relieving. I couldn't move my arm anymore. I now have 3-4 purple bruises on each of my arms, probably around 4 bruises on my legs and two on my ribs. They still hurt a little.

   And everything went.. "normally" from then on.

What about self-harming? (2)

   Oh, yes, I didn't leave that at home either. Let me tell you how it all began..

   It was one beautiful evening in Paris. We were at a restaurant that had free WiFi. I went on facebook. BIG mistake. Probably. My ex-friend and her current best friend were talking about my ex, "my guy" as I usually refer to him. They were saying that they haven't talked to him in a long time, that they don't know where he'd gone, etc. I became so damn angry. I could have ran barefoot back to Romania and ripped their clothes off and eaten them alive and then purged them and blaaaaah. Okay. As we were walking down Champs-Élysées, I started scratching my arm. I had so much anger and adrenaline inside me, that I literally wanted to run and scream. I tapped my feet and fingers and so on. So I scratched and scratched and scratched, and now I have a nasty scar, but it's healing. I also have some kind of scratch on my ankle, it looks like a cut but it's not one. 

   This event was followed by three days of thinking about him, crying and grieving and planning to meet with him as soon as I got back. To open his eyes, to show him how stupid it was that we broke up for nothing, to give him some present for his birthday (which will soon be) or to simply have a chat with him, spend time with him.

   I forgot to mention that I have dreamed of him every. single. night. I think I always have, since we broke up. 

   But then, one day, it shot me in the head: WELL, GO TO HELL. You didn't "cure" me of my ED or cutting or depression or insanity or whatever you want to call it. I have always put you above everything, you were the person I woke up for each morning, you were my absolute everything and I can't say that I don't care about you anymore -- just not that much. I have put my friends aside because I loved you so much. I want to change this. For God's sake, I have changed my hairstyle (shorter hair), I am completely changing my room (painted the walls, buying new furniture), I have bought new clothes and am wearing a new perfume. So yes, I will change one more thing: I will start caring about my friends, loving them, sharing things with them ("normal" stuff, not the lunatic things that scare/push people away). I have two lollipops. I wanted to give them to him for his b-day, but I will give them to my two best friends (whom we'll call from now on Dee and Jee, because I don't want to give their real names). I have talked to them today and it feels so good, we always have such a great time together.

   There is, in the end, the letting go.

You don't just leave your ED at home (1)

   This is the first post of a series of I don't know how many posts. But I will talk about how things went on this side of life.

Here is what I wrote on my cell phone, I had to track everything, somehow. "(" means I was only there for the beginning of the day. "( )" means it was a full day. ")" means we only went there to sleep, so we were only there for the evening. Then, there will be either a number (of calories -- probably overestimated, or just right)) or a ?, because I stopped counting the calories. After that, there might be a "-" which means that I have purged. Here we go:

(München)1100 -
(München) 1200 -
(München)? -
Strasbourg)? -
Paris)? -
(Paris)? -
(Paris)? -
Luxembourg)? -
(Budapest ? - (This today -- I have vomited and also taken lax)

   Yes, that's it. I have purged 8 days out of 16. Which is why I say, you don't just leave your eating disorder at home. At least I don't. It lives inside me. I can't not throw up when my stomach hurts  because I have eaten a lot more than usual, I can't not check my body in every single mirror/window/water/anything I see. I can't not pinch at my fat. I can't can't can't.

Edit: Oh, yes, forgot to say. I have gained around 1.5 kilo, that's 3 pounds and something. I won't post my BMI since I'm so damn ashamed of it. I think I'm at my highest weight ever. Thing is, looking in the mirrors at the hotels, I actually thought I had lost weight/maintained. The lax will fix me. Then school will start and I'll fucking starve.

Saturday, August 18, 2012

I have returned

   Our trip was more or less eventful. The spicy details will come tomorrow. It felt like home...

Edit: I have talked to my mom and told her I'm not going to church tomorrow, because I need to take lax so I will probably write the next post this night. This sleepless night...

Thursday, August 2, 2012

8 hours left

   Well, this is it. It's 11 PM now, we're leaving tomorrow at 7 AM. I have barely eaten anything until dinner, but I guess it was just.. fine. It was better than any of this week's days. I didn't take laxatives, because it would have been stupid. Imagine what would have happened if they didn't "do their job" before leaving! I don't even want to imagine. I hope there will only be a little/no weight gain tomorrow morning. It usually adds up after taking lax.

   I have bought a few Fitness bars, each under 95 calories. I also have some rice cakes/crackers, which are 24-40 calories. I'm ok with that. I also have some apples, gum, coke zero and Nestea. I should be aaaalright.

   I'll go to sleep now. I will bring 3 books with me, because we'll be in a car for 4000 km (not all at once, but throughout these 2 weeks). See you guys when I come back.

Okay then..

   This vocaroo thingy is driving me crazy. I've been trying all day long to record a short, cute message, but of course it refused to work. Then why did it work yesterday? Arghhhh.

   In a nutshell, I wanted to tell you that I am leaving tomorrow morning. We'll be visiting five countries, starting from Romania (not included in those 5), then to the West of Europe and then back here to Romania, the country with no schools or roads or jobs or money or anything. Okay, it's not as bad as it seems, but it could be improved.
   I will still read your blogs on my phone if the hotels will have free Wi-Fi connection, but I probably won't comment. And if I won't be able to read your blogs from there, I'll definitely read them as soon as I get back home.. Which will happen in two weeks, say, around the 18th of August.

   My dad will pick me up in two hours to go grocery shopping. I really want to buy a hundred of those 90-100 kcal bars. I won't be able to count my calories properly while on vacation, so at least I will have a few "safe foods" besides the salads and other healthy (again, "safe") foods I'll be eating. I want to enjoy myself there, and that will only be possible if I don't feel guilty about food.
   I honestly hope I'll actually lose weight there.

   And you know what? My hair is super cute! :D I cut it a few weeks ago, it used to be really long but looked a bit weird, since I have very little hair (it's super-falling out). Now it's shorter, mid-length, and looks like there's more of it. It's dark-blonde, but because of the sun I hope it will be even blonder. It's up in some sort of bun right now because I absolutely love having curls. My hair is very straight, people often ask me if I use an iron, but I don't even own one.. And by the waaay, I have done my nails. White, blue, red, purple, black --> in this order from left to right, each hand.

   I have taken a shower, plucked my eyebrows and I'll shave my legs tonight (too much information, sorry) and I'll feel super pretty! I already feel super pretty. I am haaaaaappy! Dude, seriously, a few days ago I was depressed  and was thinking about pill cocktails I could take to "put me to sleep," but now I feel so amazing and okay and cute and blaaah. Shoot me now.

   I hope everyone is okay, I'm sending big hugs to Stacy and also to E.J. and Jessica, if they're still reading this blog, and I'm actually sending big hugs to everyone since I feel so okay now.


Good morning.

   Well, hi there. It is almost 5 AM here, I have been awake since 4, making trips to the bathroom and back. I wanted to scream because it hurt so badly and I was freezing to death. Yes, I have taken laxatives again.. why else would I be awake at this hour? At least I'll be free from lax for at least 2 weeks from today.. More on that later in the morning, when I plan on doing a.. vocal post? Is that correct, anyway? It's like vlogging without any video, just my voice. I'll use the same website I used when reading the "How to break a heart" poem.

   I just want to go to sleep.. but I'm too lazy. And that just didn't make any sense. I guess I'll just hang around for a little more, since I've almost "gotten everything out." I feel slightly uncomfortable, but it's way better than a few minutes ago.

   Who the fuck invented eating disorders? Grrrrrr..

Tuesday, July 31, 2012

How to break a heart

   This is me reciting the poem. *I'm not playing the piano, it's from Youtube.

How to break a heart?
Well, it's really not that hard.
Take her soul and play with it
The pain she'll feel is infinite.

How to break a heart? It's easy.
Shake it fast, make her dizzy.
Squeeze it, punch it, maybe throw
The thing against a wall.

Break this heart, my dearest boy
Take it, now it is your toy.
Break it, break it, break – hooray!
Who cares if she'll never be okay?

How easily you walked away
Left my path, picked your own way.
You don't need, dear boy, to care.
To break my heart, I know you'd dare.

And so I'll cry all night in fear
Because you broke that heart, my dear
That heart which once belonged to me
You broke a heart, proud you should be.

Monday, July 30, 2012

Smoking lunatic

   "To purge or not to purge; that is the question."

   Only 15 laxatives for today. Intake, lower than usual. Still too much, because anything above zero is too much. Go to hell.

   I smoked a cigarette last night. It took me some time to light it up, because there was an awful storm outside because of which I could not sleep. The cigar was stolen from my dad. I either don't know how to smoke or they were just awful, but I never want to do it again. It stinks like hell and the smell is hard to get off. But I felt, I don't know, relaxed. Still, I don't plan on doing it again anytime soon. I don't need more addictions.

   I like to think of this experience as a way to prove to myself that I don't need to be like everyone else, if I don't want to. Cigarettes are awesome when you are with your friends and everyone smokes, you suddenly think they are sort of okay and that you could do it for the rest of your life, but the truth only comes out when you are by yourself.

   I have always been by myself, I guess that's why I have the personality I have. I didn't let people influence me.

   I have been having chest pains. I want to be locked up in a psych ward, with my fellow lunatics. That place feels safe. Horrific, but safe...

Sunday, July 29, 2012

Purge -- We're all mad.

   I can't even describe what I am feeling right now. Mentally, I am numb. I don't know if I am happy or sad or depressed or God knows what. I just.. am. Something.

   But physically.. Physically, I am dead. I have been purging daily these days; both throwing up and taking laxatives. My head is spinning, it aches awfully. I finished the purge a few minutes ago. I could not stand on my feet anymore. I lay on the bathroom floor, naked, toothbrush in one hand. My heart was beating fast. My head was heavy, my eyes were sore and closed, I could not breathe because of my runny nose. I felt like I had run one billion kilometers. My throat hurts like hell and my voice is hoarse.

   I am dead. Or at least, I wish I were.

   I feel lonely. I want someone to hug me and tell me that yes, I am stupid, but that it is okay to be like that. I need... I don't know what I nee, what I want, everything seems unreal. I do not believe in the world, I do not believe that I exist, that I am writing these things. It's all fiction, it's all fantasy, we do not exist. I'm mad.

   We're all mad.

Edit: This is the 100th post. How very nice.

Friday, July 27, 2012

Fade away

   I am back. It's only been a day, and I have already cut (after a long enough break) and taken a box of laxatives, I have binged and purged and my throat is sore now and my voice is hoarse.

   The trip was nice, except..

   "Well, you've got fat that's hanging on your arms and, umm.. your legs aren't that pretty either."

   Are you fucking kidding me. This is what a guy will tell you when someone asks him to tell his honest opinion on a girl's body. Go to hell, asshole, you mad me want to take all the pills in the world and cut until I can't anymore. He was an ugly, dumb guy. He's got huge, disgusting pimples all over his body, I don't even wanna think about him.

   Thing is, it is confirmed. I am an ugly fuck.

Saturday, July 21, 2012


   I don't know what to say.

   The blog stats show that this week's traffic was mostly brought by the keywords "columbine high school massacre." I have written a blog post on that a few months ago. The reason why I think people have looked for it is the recent Colorado Dark Knight Shooting. It seemed quite unbelievable to me, but I am sure it must have been horrifying.

   Things have been going on in a weird way lately.. I gained muscle weight from the gym, then started eating less and dropped 1 kilo (2 pounds). Now I am on the second round of lax today and I hope I'll be "done" by 8 o'clock this morning. I hate the unexpectedness they bring..

   I will leave on Sunday, but I'll be back in a few days.

   Everything feels more normal than usual. I am scared.

Saturday, July 14, 2012

My thoughts fly to you

My thoughts fly to you in the darkness of night
Behind the window I am writing in fright
I see a light across the sky
Rain is falling, the clouds cry.

My thoughts fly to you in the darkness of night
I hear a thunder, then the sky's turning bright
Where are you, love, will I see you in my dream?
Will I cry again, are you going to make me scream?

My thoughts fly to you in the darkness of night
Your face and your eyes are all I have in sight
But can I compare them to the beauty of the rain?
The lightnings and the thunders, a majestic refrain.

My thoughts fly to you, do yours fly to me?
I find no rhyme, so I'll just let it be.
Today I fell in love with the water from above
And I cannot decide for which of you I feel more love.

I wrote the poem last night while it was raining. I dreamed of him after that, I have been dreaming of him for the past two weeks. Kisses and stuff, the two of us being happy together. He texted me today, he wanted to go out but I couldn't. 

His thoughts flew to me. I knew it.

Monday, July 9, 2012


   It's almost 4 AM and I am sitting in front of my laptop, sleepless, tired. I am cold and warm and sweaty and I have cramps -- this time not from laxatives. This time it's from the craziness that surrounds me. The hot weather, bugs flying around me, eating and purging and awful chest pains that scare me to death: what if I die? So I wait and wait and wait, still hot and tired. I will try to sleep in the morning, but I know that I will fail because the weather won't get any colder; no, it will get hotter. I will feel worse and I will die, drowning in my own sweat and acid and tears and water.

   I don't know what to do, I can't go to sleep. I have been reading, surfing the internet, stalking people on the net, reading stupid useless articles and watching series, but nothing works. I have cramps, why the heck do I have cramps? I need to write to distract myself..

   The clock is ticking.

Friday, July 6, 2012

Chronically hallucinating.. (3)

   This is the last post from the "Chronically hallucinating" series. Enjoy it. (Warning: Long post, but I can't cure the passion, sorry.)

   If you have been reading my blog for a while, you should already know that I am fascinated by mental illnesses. While doing research and reading the symptoms, I have found that some apply to me. I will now talk about the cases in which many/most symptoms apply to me.

   Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified

  1. Meet all criteria for anorexia nervosa except have regular menstrual cycles
  2. Meet all criteria for anorexia nervosa except their weight falls within the normal range
  3. Meet all criteria for bulimia nervosa except they engage in binge eating or purging behaviors less than twice per week or for fewer than three months
  4. Purge after eating small amounts of food while retaining a normal body weight
  5. Repeatedly chew and spit out large amounts of food without swallowing
  6. Meet criteria for binge eating disorder

   Let's take them one by one. I am a bit skeptical and unsure about the first two. I am afraid of weight gain, I have a preoccupation with food content and calories, I have fine hair over my body (lucky me), I purge, I do not see myself the way others see me (thin, etc), I have depression (oh yesss), I am "withdrawn and secretive," my hair is a mess and so are my nails, I have constipation, maybe calcium deficiency (both my dad and therapist said that, because my muscles go numb and because they hurt very much sometimes), I can't see anything when I stand up because I am getting dizzy, sometimes my teeth hurt even in contact with air (breathing). 
   In conclusion, I do meet some criteria for Anorexia Nervosa, but still am at a normal weight (BMI around 19; under 18.5 to be underweight; under 17.5 to be considered anorexic) and have my periods. Therefore, I am not anorexic. 
   The above symptoms apply for bulimia too, I suppose. The only thing is that I rarely binge, because the purging does happen in my case (vomiting, laxatives). Therefore, I am not bulimic.
   Number four does apply.
   Number five and six do not apply.

   I guess I'm left with EDNOS.

   Schizoid Personality Disorder

  I am not very familiar with this one, since it only hit me a few days ago that I fit some of the diagnosis criteria.

  1. Neither desires nor enjoys relationships or human interaction, including being part of a family TRUE
  2. Almost always chooses solitary activities TRUE
  3. Has little, if any, interest in having sexual experiences with another person ? (I do not have interest in sexual experiences, but kissing and romatic-affectionate-ish things? Definitely.)
  4. Takes pleasure in few, if any, activities with other people TRUE
  5. Lacks close friends or confidants other than first-degree relatives TRUE (Not even first-degree relatives. I only trust my therapist, other people know nothing about me)
  6. Appears indifferent to the praise or criticism of others TRUE (more indifferent to praise than to criticism)
  7. Shows emotional coldness, detachment, or flattened affect ? (I have been told that I am not empathetic at all, that I am cold and sometimes mean. I feel exactly the opposite. I feel that, because I can relate to people's suffering, I am more empathetic than anyone, despite not showing it because I do not want others to see that I know what it is like to suffer)

Other things that apply to me:

[...]have trouble establishing personal relationships or expressing their feelings in a meaningful way, and may remain passive in the face of unfavorable situations.
[...]there occurs an impoverishment in which one's self image becomes increasingly empty and volatilized, leading the individual himself to feel unreal.
[...] secret schizoids presenting themselves as socially available, interested, engaged, and involved in interacting in the eyes of the observer, while at the same time remaining emotionally withdrawn and sequestered within the safety of the internal world.
[...] the schizoid individual is able to express a great deal of feeling and to make what appear to be impressive social contacts while in reality giving nothing and losing nothing; because he is only "playing a part," his own personality is not involved.
-Unloving, intrusive, or neglectful parenting is hypothesized to play a role. (I liked this one.)

   Selective mutism

   This is not a mental illness, but more like a symptom of anxiety disorder. 
   Children and adults with selective mutism are fully capable of speech and understanding language but fail to speak in certain situations, though speech is expected of them. [...] The failure to speak is not due to a lack of knowledge of, or comfort with, the spoken language required in the social situation.[...] The former name elective mutism indicates a widespread misconception that selective mute people choose to be silent in certain situations, while the truth is that they often wish to speak but cannot. To reflect the involuntary nature of this disorder, the name was changed to selective mutism [...] Despite the change of name from "elective" to "selective", a common misconception remains that a selectively mute child is defiant or stubborn.

   If you read everything that I managed to read/research in about two hours (SPD & Selective mutism - the EDNOS part was researched and experienced day and night for the last year or so), you, sir/lady, deserve a medal. Thank you very much.

Thursday, July 5, 2012

Chronically hallucinating.. (2)

   The hallucinations.

   I don't know if I should really call them hallucinations, though I couldn't call them otherwise, either.

   I think it happened in April. I was on holiday, it was around 4 o'clock in the afternoon and I was at home with Dad and my brother. I wanted to weigh myself. To reach the scale, I had to get out of my room, go through my parents' bedroom and then into my mom's bathroom, where the only scale in the house is located. Therefore, I get out of my room. Before entering my parents' bedroom, I saw my mother entering the house and closing the door. She just came back from work, which was odd, since she never comes homes before 6. She walked to the mirror downstairs (I was upstairs) and put her keys on the table. She then took out her blackberry  and started reading e-mails. I didn't say hi, just kept walking until I got to the scale. I stepped on it -- it was totally off. I triple-weighed myself and got different numbers each time, so I gave up. I had to tell my mother that the scale wasn't accurate, so she could buy a new one. I went downstairs and couldn't find her. I went to my dad and asked him about her.
"She's, umm, at work?"
"But I swear she was here 2 minutes ago!"

   This happened to me twice, both situations with my mother coming home from work too early. It seemed so damn real. If that was not a hallucination, I don't know what it was.

   I also used to have auditory hallucinations on Saturday mornings. I used to lie in my bed after waking up and hear voices downstairs. It was usually one of my grandmas or my brother's ex-nanny. When I asked my parents if anyone had come over, they said no. I carefully listened each time, and could swear on God that I heard their voices and usually could also recognize whose voice it was. It was not the television. And my parent's don't have the ability, as far as I know, to change their voices to match my grandmas' and the nanny's.

   Sometimes, when I walk, I hear something "clicking" in my head with each step I make -- and it's not my earrings. It is an annoying sound, but it has not happened in a few weeks. Other times I just hear a long "riiiiing" somewhere far, far away, but it seems so near and it is disturbing, especially because I am the only one who can hear it. It also happens that I hear an old, high-note alarm tone from my mother's alarm-thingy. We have it since I was a little kid and used to play with it then. I do not hear it as if it would actually come from the alarm, but more as if it were in the back of my head.

   I think the hallucinations I got after not sleeping for a long period of time don't count -- because those are caused by lack of sleep. I was paranoid and saw all kinds of lights and shadows (among other auditory and tactile "hallucinations"). Check out the post here.

   That would be it, I guess. What do you think? Lunatic or not? Kidding.