Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Pretty random, I suppose

   Hey there. Not much has been happening lately. I am on my laptop all day long, I finished a book for school and am currently reading another, still in German. I don't eat very much, my appetite has decreased.. Or maybe I'm just very aware of the guilt I'll feel if I eat. I have been purging, anyways. I have been purging despite not feeling/looking full, but I hate having food inside of me.
   As a kid, I have always been forced to clean my plate, up to a point where I did it because I was used to it. I ate until my stomach hurt, until I was sick. I have always been surrounded by food. My grandma still cooks for us every week. She makes soups, potatoes, rice, beans, sweets, everything. And this has been going on since my parents got married. I hate that she is so thin. Not stick-thin, but I think she weighs around 60-something kilos. Probably more, since I'm around 59 now and compared to me, she is way larger. But still, thin for someone her age. So. She never eats. If she eats, it's a salad in the evening. She has osteoporosis. I have no idea since when she has it, but what if she had an ED in the past, or at least disordered eating? Because, according to my therapist, "now THAT'S what I call anorexia" (about my mom). My grandma might have had slightly disordered eating, my mom probably more severe disordered eating ("Oh my God, I went 4 days with only 2 slices of salami!" Bitch, will you please stop bragging?) and now I am the "lucky" one who has a full Eating Disorder. I don't want to have kids. Or if I have, I want to adopt. Imagine how awesome that would be.
   Anyways. I find it weird. And this random post just turned into a "Family history of EDs" post. I am no longer in the lower 60's in the morning, I am in the lower-mid 59's. or, super-high 50's, if you will.

   Someone, please tie my hands to keep me from purging tonight. I don't want to purge...

   But I can't. Do you know why? Because right after I eat, the food comes back up and I have to spit it out -- vomit. It does not come much, but enough to make me think that hey, this will be easy to purge, LET'S PURGE! Maybe the only solution is to stop eating, then there will be nothing left to come out, but heck, human beings eat. I am a human being. Or used to be.

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