Sunday, August 19, 2012

What about self-harming? (2)

   Oh, yes, I didn't leave that at home either. Let me tell you how it all began..

   It was one beautiful evening in Paris. We were at a restaurant that had free WiFi. I went on facebook. BIG mistake. Probably. My ex-friend and her current best friend were talking about my ex, "my guy" as I usually refer to him. They were saying that they haven't talked to him in a long time, that they don't know where he'd gone, etc. I became so damn angry. I could have ran barefoot back to Romania and ripped their clothes off and eaten them alive and then purged them and blaaaaah. Okay. As we were walking down Champs-Élysées, I started scratching my arm. I had so much anger and adrenaline inside me, that I literally wanted to run and scream. I tapped my feet and fingers and so on. So I scratched and scratched and scratched, and now I have a nasty scar, but it's healing. I also have some kind of scratch on my ankle, it looks like a cut but it's not one. 

   This event was followed by three days of thinking about him, crying and grieving and planning to meet with him as soon as I got back. To open his eyes, to show him how stupid it was that we broke up for nothing, to give him some present for his birthday (which will soon be) or to simply have a chat with him, spend time with him.

   I forgot to mention that I have dreamed of him every. single. night. I think I always have, since we broke up. 

   But then, one day, it shot me in the head: WELL, GO TO HELL. You didn't "cure" me of my ED or cutting or depression or insanity or whatever you want to call it. I have always put you above everything, you were the person I woke up for each morning, you were my absolute everything and I can't say that I don't care about you anymore -- just not that much. I have put my friends aside because I loved you so much. I want to change this. For God's sake, I have changed my hairstyle (shorter hair), I am completely changing my room (painted the walls, buying new furniture), I have bought new clothes and am wearing a new perfume. So yes, I will change one more thing: I will start caring about my friends, loving them, sharing things with them ("normal" stuff, not the lunatic things that scare/push people away). I have two lollipops. I wanted to give them to him for his b-day, but I will give them to my two best friends (whom we'll call from now on Dee and Jee, because I don't want to give their real names). I have talked to them today and it feels so good, we always have such a great time together.

   There is, in the end, the letting go.

1 comment:

  1. You're doing the right thing chanelle...I know its hard to let go but sometimes you just have to because deep inside you know its the right thing to do but its just the memories of that person that make it hard for us to let go...i can say all this..because even i need to let go of someone and it really is hard