Making a few stories short..

   I went to a doctor a few days ago. I could not breathe, she said I had very low blood pressure and prescribed me some calcium.. Which I'm not really taking. whoops. Still struggling to breathe.

   I am lying to my therapist about my cutting (and self-harm in general0 because I want her to think I am fine, so she'll say we no longer have to meet. She has already kind of said that.. My cutting is a lot less frequent now, but I still do it sometimes because it feels wrong not to do it.

   I am manic lately. Hopeful and happy and.. everything. I am very organized, very clean, I can't sleep at night and I have so many plans for the future! I want to do so many things, have perfect relationships with my friends and less meaningful relationships with boys. I have concluded that they are not worth anything, so I will just stop seeking deep feelings and relationships.

   I am starting school tomorrow (YES!!), so I will most likely not post as often as I do now. Also, I will probably not have the time to read all your blogs, but I will. I usually have more time on weekends. I probably won't comment, but I am reading your blogs. Just so you know.

   I should go and get dressed now. I am seeing Hamlet with one of my best friends (Dee). Yes, I just called her my best friend! I have never done that before. And I'm also having an awesome friendship with Jee. I haven't ever called them these names, but I want to avoid giving any names on this blog. So yes, Dee and Jee are my best friends.

   I feel so relieved that I am single now. Probably the reason why I'm manic.

Okay then..

   This vocaroo thingy is driving me crazy. I've been trying all day long to record a short, cute message, but of course it refused to work. Then why did it work yesterday? Arghhhh.

   In a nutshell, I wanted to tell you that I am leaving tomorrow morning. We'll be visiting five countries, starting from Romania (not included in those 5), then to the West of Europe and then back here to Romania, the country with no schools or roads or jobs or money or anything. Okay, it's not as bad as it seems, but it could be improved.
   I will still read your blogs on my phone if the hotels will have free Wi-Fi connection, but I probably won't comment. And if I won't be able to read your blogs from there, I'll definitely read them as soon as I get back home.. Which will happen in two weeks, say, around the 18th of August.

   My dad will pick me up in two hours to go grocery shopping. I really want to buy a hundred of those 90-100 kcal bars. I won't be able to count my calories properly while on vacation, so at least I will have a few "safe foods" besides the salads and other healthy (again, "safe") foods I'll be eating. I want to enjoy myself there, and that will only be possible if I don't feel guilty about food.
   I honestly hope I'll actually lose weight there.

   And you know what? My hair is super cute! :D I cut it a few weeks ago, it used to be really long but looked a bit weird, since I have very little hair (it's super-falling out). Now it's shorter, mid-length, and looks like there's more of it. It's dark-blonde, but because of the sun I hope it will be even blonder. It's up in some sort of bun right now because I absolutely love having curls. My hair is very straight, people often ask me if I use an iron, but I don't even own one.. And by the waaay, I have done my nails. White, blue, red, purple, black --> in this order from left to right, each hand.

   I have taken a shower, plucked my eyebrows and I'll shave my legs tonight (too much information, sorry) and I'll feel super pretty! I already feel super pretty. I am haaaaaappy! Dude, seriously, a few days ago I was depressed  and was thinking about pill cocktails I could take to "put me to sleep," but now I feel so amazing and okay and cute and blaaah. Shoot me now.

   I hope everyone is okay, I'm sending big hugs to Stacy and also to E.J. and Jessica, if they're still reading this blog, and I'm actually sending big hugs to everyone since I feel so okay now.

   Baaaaaaaai.

Confused

   Well, how could I not be confused when he called me last night? I saw the phone vibrating, but he was the last person I expected to call me. So I answered, I think I had a funny voice because I was shaking and laughing.

   It takes him one week. One week to check how I am doing, if I am still alive, if I am okay. Or maybe he does it to avoid an awkward situation like me saying "But you said we'll keep in touch, and you don't even bother to say hi?!" which would have probably not happened, nevermind.

   Now back to the question, how could I not be confused? How could I know what's going on when my feelings towards him and our situation are so twisted? Last week I was crying and slitting my wrists and bleeding in the bathroom, my hand was numb, I didn't know how to kill myself faster -- and now I am manic, I had trouble falling asleep last night, I listen to Juliet (by E.A.) which is a song I didn't like so much, because it was too happy. I even ate breakfast, which I have never done in my entire life (a few exceptions here and there). I've taken laxatives anyways, which reminds me that I need to buy some more. I don't feel like eating a ton of food, I look in the mirror and look just fine. I have so many plans for the future and am enthusiastic about college and all those things.. I am no longer suicidal. I still think life is not worth living and that I'd be better off dead, because it makes a lot of sense to me that people die anyway, therefore there's no point in life. Thing is, I no longer want to kill myself, I don't need to cut (I think my last one got infected) and I am all in all feeling so much better.

   Which confuses me too, because on Sunday I started crying out of the blue because I wanted to die.

   Mania in ma' head! I am mad, don't tryna hide, we all mad heeere! Grab anada' cup of tea and folla' me!