Tuesday, July 3, 2012


   Well, how could I not be confused when he called me last night? I saw the phone vibrating, but he was the last person I expected to call me. So I answered, I think I had a funny voice because I was shaking and laughing.

   It takes him one week. One week to check how I am doing, if I am still alive, if I am okay. Or maybe he does it to avoid an awkward situation like me saying "But you said we'll keep in touch, and you don't even bother to say hi?!" which would have probably not happened, nevermind.

   Now back to the question, how could I not be confused? How could I know what's going on when my feelings towards him and our situation are so twisted? Last week I was crying and slitting my wrists and bleeding in the bathroom, my hand was numb, I didn't know how to kill myself faster -- and now I am manic, I had trouble falling asleep last night, I listen to Juliet (by E.A.) which is a song I didn't like so much, because it was too happy. I even ate breakfast, which I have never done in my entire life (a few exceptions here and there). I've taken laxatives anyways, which reminds me that I need to buy some more. I don't feel like eating a ton of food, I look in the mirror and look just fine. I have so many plans for the future and am enthusiastic about college and all those things.. I am no longer suicidal. I still think life is not worth living and that I'd be better off dead, because it makes a lot of sense to me that people die anyway, therefore there's no point in life. Thing is, I no longer want to kill myself, I don't need to cut (I think my last one got infected) and I am all in all feeling so much better.

   Which confuses me too, because on Sunday I started crying out of the blue because I wanted to die.

   Mania in ma' head! I am mad, don't tryna hide, we all mad heeere! Grab anada' cup of tea and folla' me!

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