Wednesday, July 4, 2012

Chronically hallucinating.. (1)

   Okay, that is just a line from Emilie Autumn's "Girls! Girls! Girls!" but it is the best title I could come up with. This post will cover three topics:

The world in my perspective (and how out of my body I feel sometimes
Mental illnesses symptoms that I have

Later edit: I will make a series of three posts, because they tend to get longer than they're supposed to and people will get easily bored of my ramblings.

  The world.

(Not trying to influence anyone's opinion/perspective/thoughts on the world. Just my thoughts on the subject, you do not have to agree.)

   I think that the world is practically useless. You are born, live a pretty shitty life and then you die. What is the point of living when you don't get anything in return? "Well, if you've lived a happy life, then it was worth it.." NO. What if you have had a happy life? You will die and after that, everything you have done would be forgotten. Yes, there might people who care about you, but the will die too.
   For example, a person who lived 700 years ago. Say it's a woman. She had a happy life, ten children who loved her and whom she loved, a loving husband and an overall awesome life. One sad, horrific day, poor woman died. Her family cried and mourned her and so on, and said that she would never be forgotten. A few years later, the husband died. The kids cried and mourned again and, a few decades later, they died too. They were cried for and mourned by their wives and kids. Later, those died too, and their friends and families were sad. Then, those died too and so on and so forth. WHO GAVE A FUCK ABOUT THE WOMAN ANYMORE? Yes, that woman in the beginning. No one. 

   Sometimes I feel that I am not myself. I look in the mirror and there is a girl who looks like me, but she stares back at me and talks to me and tells me that I am insane. She laughs and me and pretends to be crazy, pretends to have escaped from a psych ward or something. She points at me and tells me I am so stupid, so mad or so insane. She looks at me in the mirror when I cut and laughs at the cuts, "Is that all you can do?" or "Blood! Finally!"
    Sometimes, when I get up from a chair or bed, I feel dizzy. Actually, I always feel dizzy. Then I make a few steps while still being dizzy, but I can see some shapes and colors. After a few moments, I "wake up" and wonder how I got there. I vaguely remember walking towards that spot, but I keep denying that I am the one who brought me there. It feels like a dream. Or in the mornings when I get out of bed, walk towards the mirror, check the way my abdomen looks and then fall back on the bed because I am too dizzy. I blink a few times and feel nauseated, I close my eyes and after opening them, it feels like nothing had happened, like walking towards the mirror and falling back on the bed was all a dream.

--> Happy Birthday, America! :)

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