Monday, July 30, 2012

Smoking lunatic

   "To purge or not to purge; that is the question."

   Only 15 laxatives for today. Intake, lower than usual. Still too much, because anything above zero is too much. Go to hell.

   I smoked a cigarette last night. It took me some time to light it up, because there was an awful storm outside because of which I could not sleep. The cigar was stolen from my dad. I either don't know how to smoke or they were just awful, but I never want to do it again. It stinks like hell and the smell is hard to get off. But I felt, I don't know, relaxed. Still, I don't plan on doing it again anytime soon. I don't need more addictions.

   I like to think of this experience as a way to prove to myself that I don't need to be like everyone else, if I don't want to. Cigarettes are awesome when you are with your friends and everyone smokes, you suddenly think they are sort of okay and that you could do it for the rest of your life, but the truth only comes out when you are by yourself.

   I have always been by myself, I guess that's why I have the personality I have. I didn't let people influence me.

   I have been having chest pains. I want to be locked up in a psych ward, with my fellow lunatics. That place feels safe. Horrific, but safe...

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