Friday, December 28, 2012

Happy Holidays! :)

   Hello there, people who might be still reading my blog.

   This time of the year is very hard for me, because it involves food. Tons and tons of food, so I have to purge and take laxatives. Great. I have also received a bunch of nice gifts... but that's not what I want to talk about in this post.

   I have a classmate who is depressed and suicidal. Long story short, she's seeing a crappy therapist, her mom doesn't give her the pills the way she should, and she's been pretty much physically and emotionally abused.

   We had a German class together on Wednesday (yesterday). She told me she couldn't write because she had a deep cut on her arm. She showed it to me - yes, it was deep. You could see the muscle. It didn't scare me though, because I am used to that kind of cuts. Some of mine looked a bit like that, but they were smaller. Nevermind. So I convinced her to let me take her to the ER, she needed stitches. After the class was over, my mom took us to the ice rink and left. This girl then told me that we can't go to the ER, because they'll send her to the psych ward. I was desperate and my heart had been racing for the past three hours. So, the next thing we did was go into a pharmacy. I bought some Betadine and bandages. We went into a Cafe, walked straight to the bathroom and "fixed" her. It was pretty useless, but it was all I could do.

   I talked to her last night. She was suicidal, crying and so on. I convinced her AGAIN to go to the ER with me. We met today around 2 PM. We went to the hospital and she went to see a doctor. I waited outside. They called her parents. Her parents came. Her abusive father didn't say a word to me, but her slightly saner mother thanked me. Then her father started being mean and rude to her. I waited until she and her mother went to see the doctor again. I had to leave after that.

   We knew that she would end up in the psych ward. We knew that the entire situation will suck even more after her parents find out.

   I called her a few hours after that. She told me they didn't send her to the psych ward. They stitched her cut. Her father was obviously an ass and restricted her internet access. He's an alcoholic and so on, the girl has been living in an unhealthy environment for years.

   Then, someone else called me. The German teacher. She's a 30-something, just married, nice woman. She and her husband are family friends with the girl's parents and they see each other and talk often. The teacher knows about the girl's "issues." She asked me a few things, I did my best to make her understand the girl better. A few  minutes after that, I talked to the girl again. Surprisingly, she said that the teacher knows I'm cutting, too. I was incredibly surprised! It doesn't necessarily bother me, as long as she doesn't talk to me or to anyone else about it.

   I hope the girl will be alright..

   I have been cut-free for a week. Before that, I was cut-free for 2 or 3 weeks. I'm getting better. My birthday's in two weeks, but I'm celebrating it with my best friends next week. We're going to Bucharest, where my mom recently moved. I can't wait.

   I hope you guys are ok! :) I wish you a happy New Year!

Tuesday, December 18, 2012


   I have been feeling so much happier lately. I don't know why. Winters are usually cold, depressing, dark and so on. everything is much better this winter.

   To be honest, I think my eating behavior and my mom's leaving had a huge impact on my feelings. The house is a very quiet place without her. The relationship with my parents hasn't ceased to be deteriorated, it's not getting better, but at least the house is silent, there's silence. Holy silence...

   As for my eating disorder, well... I am back to food-free days, followed by binge-days where I purge 3 pounds or so at a time. Extremely fun, what can I say? thing is, I'm losing weight. And I'm empty. Oh God, my weight is not that much of a problem. It's the "progress" that I make. Weight loss is seen as an incredibly positive thing in our society, which is why it makes me happy. I know that I am at a healthy BMI, but my eating patterns help me reach a peaceful state of mind. There's peace...

   I also started going to gym again.

   I am afraid that this joyfulness won't last for long. My moods keep swinging between extreme high and extreme low and it usually lasts for a few months.. Let's see.

January 2011-May 2011 --> extremely, strangely happy and positive about everything
May 2011 --> onset of depression and ED
September 2011 --> had a perfect relationship with my ex, very happy
October 2011 --> started going to therapy
October 2011-June 2012 --> my condition kept getting worse
June 2012 --> ex and I broke up
June 2012-August 2012 --> summer of depression and suicidal thoughts and pill-taking and wrist-cutting
August 2012-November 2012 --> gradually feeling better, cutting decreased significantly, eating disorder issues increased
November 2012-present --> feeling very good, nearly no cutting, but going days without food and still binging and purging, plus taking laxatives.

   Where am I going?

Friday, December 7, 2012

Where am I?

   I lack the motivation to write. And the enthusiasm and love and passion to write on this blog, or on any blog for that matter.

   I went to Bucharest last weekend and met the 24-year-old guy face-to face, along with his girlfriend. He is a nice dude. His girlfriend is the sweetest person I've ever met. I kind of like them. :)

   Cutting... it hasn't happened "seriously" for some time. I cut my wrist two weeks ago. And then, while I was in Bucharest, I cut my chest and abs. My purging frequency has also decreased, but so has my eating.

   So, my mom has officially moved there. The house is so silent when she's not here. There's so much peace and quiet. After talking to my therapist, she made some connections between my behavior and my mother's moving to Bucharest. When she's not here, I don't cut, I don't purge. Makes sense to me, honestly. She has been an awful parent during my childhood and I can't forget everything she's said and done.
   On the other hand, the apartment she's moved in is nice. My room is so, so small, but I like it. While we were there, like I said, I went out with the 24-year-old and his girlfriend. He took me on a ride on his motorbike and I enjoyed it. We have become closer, I think. I was about to tell him about my ED yesterday, but ended up telling him he'll find out sometime later.

   School's fine, could be much better. We had an exam simulation for Romanian, Maths and German. We'll have some exams this summer, and these ones were exactly like the ones we'll write in June, they're just not the exams themselves. I got the 2nd or 3rd highest average. And also, the highest mark in German out of 60 people.
   I got the highest in Romanian, for the semester paper. People keep praising me and I hate the attention, it makes me feel uncomfortable. sometimes I wish I weren't doing so well in school but then I come back to reality and tell myself that yes, getting high grades is good! It is good! And I am proud of myself, I just hate it when people see my good traits and my qualities.

   I have gone back to the gym.. Hoping that I'll go regularly from now one. I didn't eat anything today, but I'm having a beer right now. I am dizzy and tired and have blurry vision. This isn't happening because I get drunk easily - no -, but because, well, I'm drinking beer on an empty stomach. I'll be fine. I want to sleep. I am tired, tired, tired...

   Seriously, I hope that none of you thought that anything had happened to me only because I didn't post anymore. I'm saying this because I usually worry when someone stops posting on their blog. Is anyone still reading these words of mine?