Tuesday, December 18, 2012


   I have been feeling so much happier lately. I don't know why. Winters are usually cold, depressing, dark and so on. everything is much better this winter.

   To be honest, I think my eating behavior and my mom's leaving had a huge impact on my feelings. The house is a very quiet place without her. The relationship with my parents hasn't ceased to be deteriorated, it's not getting better, but at least the house is silent, there's silence. Holy silence...

   As for my eating disorder, well... I am back to food-free days, followed by binge-days where I purge 3 pounds or so at a time. Extremely fun, what can I say? thing is, I'm losing weight. And I'm empty. Oh God, my weight is not that much of a problem. It's the "progress" that I make. Weight loss is seen as an incredibly positive thing in our society, which is why it makes me happy. I know that I am at a healthy BMI, but my eating patterns help me reach a peaceful state of mind. There's peace...

   I also started going to gym again.

   I am afraid that this joyfulness won't last for long. My moods keep swinging between extreme high and extreme low and it usually lasts for a few months.. Let's see.

January 2011-May 2011 --> extremely, strangely happy and positive about everything
May 2011 --> onset of depression and ED
September 2011 --> had a perfect relationship with my ex, very happy
October 2011 --> started going to therapy
October 2011-June 2012 --> my condition kept getting worse
June 2012 --> ex and I broke up
June 2012-August 2012 --> summer of depression and suicidal thoughts and pill-taking and wrist-cutting
August 2012-November 2012 --> gradually feeling better, cutting decreased significantly, eating disorder issues increased
November 2012-present --> feeling very good, nearly no cutting, but going days without food and still binging and purging, plus taking laxatives.

   Where am I going?

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