Saturday, October 20, 2012

De hy chick

   I guess you could call me Dehy Chick. Dehydrated. De hy. The high chick. Dehy.

   There's a chance that I am not moving anymore. 

   My therapist tried for two hours to convince me not to take some pills. I told her I'd only take a half. I did. she was scared for me. 

   I have a cold. The way-too-many sedatives didn't help me sleep. Only slept for less than 5 hours last night.

   I am talking to the 20-something year-old guy again. He was hoping I would move, because that's the city where he lives. We're like a couple, breaking up, making up, breaking up, making up... In the metaphorical way. One of us usually backs away. But we end up talking again. This is crap.

   I need some time off.. some time in Wonderland...

Sunday, October 14, 2012

Fly far, far away...

   I am moving to another city next summer/fall. My mom got a job there, so she's taking us with her. Doesn't this always happen? Someone gets into deep shit and then pulls everyone else down there. I will leave my friends, my school, everything and everyone. I am a mess.

   Moreover, my parents have found my pills: Nurofen, Sedatif PC and Dulcolax. They lectured me and the bitch was so desperate to see them, "show them to me, show them to me, you are destroying me, i am your mother!!!" Actually, dad went through my things without my permission and that's how he found them. Fucked asshole, how could he look through my private stuff? They were well-hidden. So they made me promise I will throw them away. I said I will. I have taken all of the boxes and emptied their contents into a small bag. I am not stupid, I am obviously not throwing away my pills. It was very difficult to get that money from them and buy pills.

   And they expect me to trust them.

   Get out of my way, I will ruin your lives just like you ruined mine. How dare you force me to move to another city?

   "I know that you are mature enough to know that you should not take pills if they are not prescribed." No, I am, in fact, mature enough to know that DEATH is the only way out, taking those pills will hopefully kill me one day, or this eating disorder, or anything. I am mature enough to understand that I can't get out alive.

   You can't fire me, I quit. This Friday.

   (No, I'm not attempting suicide. Just a long, long sleep.. 34 sedatives and 4800 mg (12 pills x 400 mg) of ibuprofen should work. Oh, and 10-15 laxatives.

   Sing me to sleeeeeeeep..

Friday, October 5, 2012

No idea...

   I feel very confused at the moment.

   I have been purging everything I'd eaten. I lost weight and reached a BMI of 19.5, which is lower than I have been lately. And It felt.. okay. I could not stay away from food, but I didn't binge, either. I purged what I ate. My throat hurts and I can no longer purge, since I'm very used to it now. I have taken 20 paxatives today. I have probably eaten a bit more, but my weight is the same as in the morning. I have gained probably one kilo from not purging yesterday. I feeeel.. awful.

   Not because of the gain. But because I am psychologically messed up.

   I keep dreaming of him, I want to get him out of my mind. I hate the fact that I obsess so much about him. I don't want to be with him again. I can even accept the idea that he might be seeing other girls now (though I don't have any evidence). I... I don't know. I want to die, to fade away, to have never been born. To have never had an eating disorder, to have never been depressed, to have never done anything, never, anything. Sometimes I wish I were just an average person, with a bunch of friends and superficial and dumb and ugly and just a stupid bitch whom everyone would hate. That would be better because bitches are stupid and don't give a fuck about what people think about them, they don't care that they are stupid and attention-seeking and all that.

   I want sedatives.

   Last week, I took some "sedatives" (they are called Sedatif PC, so I guess they're some sort of sedatives) and had such a good sleep. Last year, on the 12th of October, he and I were officially together. I also had my first therapy appointment on that day. Since I am the kind of person who "celebrates" things like that, I wanted to take 34 (all that's left) of those pills. They are harmless, but I think and hope that they will bring me to wonderland. I can't do that next weekend (the 12th is on Friday), so it's planned for the week after that. Sedatives, Nurofen (risk of ulcers..? Who cares? -- I am sarcastic here, I don't want ulcers, but the idea of doing harm to myself is tempting), probably some beer and probably some laxatives. I just hope I won't sleep too well and wake up surrounded by.. you know, the thing that happens when you take laxatives.

   And I've already written too much. Have a nice day and hope that just breathing will magically kill me.