Thursday, September 20, 2012

School has started

   I have only eaten once this week, on Tuesday (it's Thursday today). I am drinking liquids (mostly milk). Losing weight. Dizzy. Tired. Wonderland.

   I talked to my ex and first ex today. I have been dreaming of me an my ex being together. I n my last dream, he kissed me and told me "You are the only girl have ever loved" and was very sweet in general. It hurts me.

   I would rather have nightmares with my first ex than romantic dreams with the other one. I thought getting over him would be hard, not impossible. One second I miss him, the other I hate him, the next I want to ignore him, repeat. But I mostly want to ignore him.

   You have no idea how tired I am. Very much mentally, not so much physically. I want to be in Wonderland again, where I was depressed and suicidal and when I could fucking cut! I need to cut cut cut, bleed to death, die. I am not depressed now, but depression felt SAFE! Now I feel like I am in the middle of a big crowd, surrounded by awesome people and having fun with them and everything is just so perfect that it's too much. When I was cutting and depressed, I was silent and blaaah.. How can I miss being miserable? How messed up is my mind?

   I am not taking the calcium I have been prescribed. I hate the fact that I start every sentence with "I." It's so damn annoying. And I dislike chemistry. We have to do a stupid project in biology. I feel the need to capitalize chemistry ad biology, but I am not sure. I waaaaaaant... /toofuckingmuch

Edit: I also hate the new Blogger look. Last night, when I shaved my legs, I did't know I had mosquito bites on them and accidentally.. shaved them. They used to hurt a lot, but I am better now. AT LEAST I BLED.

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