Sunday, September 23, 2012

The joys of having an ED

WARNING: If you are easily disgusted, you should better stay away from this post. At least the first paragraph will be about *drums please* pooping.

   Because I don't eat, abuse laxatives (one lax-free week! wooo!), purge what I eat and so on and so forth, getting that little bastard out of your body will be a little bit worse than hell. You will sit there, pushing and pushing, hoping you will never give birth -- because it hurts so badly. It will stick there, it won't come out. You can't get it out, so the only option would be to push it back (yes. push it back) and hope you'll poop some other time. You will take some toilet paper and send the poo back inside. OR, still using the paper, you will try to dig your finger inside and get "the little bastard" out. Nothing will work. You will push and push, trying to get it out, but every time you do it, you will get dizzy because of all the blood going up in your head. You will want to die. You will bleed. You will be sore. You won't be able to pee (oh, the joys of that..). You will eventually have to use laxatives and mess up everything again.

   Enough with that.

   I am dreaming of myself and my ex every. single. night. Kissing, talking, lovely words, romantic walks. Everything we used to have. I love the dreams, but once I am awake, they will turn into one more thing that is worse than hell. I cried today at the church. I was hoping that my two little cousins will never have eating disorders. That they will never have to go through what I am. I hope that they will never literally understand me. Then, after I came home, I cried listening to love songs.

   My throat is messed up again. I have only eaten on 4 days this week (Tuesday, Thursday and the weekend) -- the first ones were restricted anyways, especially Thursday (2 Maoam stripes. A LOT, right?! *sarcasm*) That's not even "real" food, but I counted it. I think I have lost 4 pounds, but the weight is probably back on. Can't we just.. skip the weekends?! Gahh. Tomorrow I'm turning back to not eating, because I don't eat on week days, but then I'll probably binge again during the weekend.

   Or not. Because yesterday I went to a friend's birthday party and that's why I gained.

   I want to take Nurofen and laxatives and sedatives. The last ones are only supposed to make you sleep better and I'm pretty sure they have no dangerous side effects if taken too many of them. They are not liek actual sleeping pills (which you only get with a prescription). A pill cocktail with some beer. The kind of beer I used to drink with him. We were officially together on the 12th of October, but my theater group and I are performing a play on that weekend, so I might just do it sooner. I like to "celebrate" this kind of stuff.

   Have a good night. Or whatever.

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