Friday, April 19, 2013

I want to put my life on "stand-by"

   Three weeks ago I was diagnosed with gastritis. I took some pills for about two weeks. The abdominal pain came back. Now the doctor said I might have Irritable Bowel Sindrome. I'm taking some other pills. Thank you so, so much, eating disorder. The doctor said the gastritis was from stress. Well, if I had gastritis, I think the frequent vomiting would have been the cause. I'm pretty sure. Now I can bet that the IBS is a consequence of 1 1/2 year of misusing laxatives. Thanks again, ED.

   I am back to not eating/restricting. I've only eaten on Thursday this week, but then purged anyway. I went to gym twice. I am not exhausted yet. I feel good. But I've been googling stuff like "eating disorder starvation" or "eating disorder consequences" (yeah, I do that... I also google "laxative pain" when I'm on the toilet at 4 AM, shitting bricks, shivering and being in excruciating pain from the laxes). The things I have read were heartbreaking and shocking - not that I hadn't known of them before. starvation consequences, purging consequences. So many "death", "heart attack", "organ failure", but still, here I am, not caring. Actually, there's me and all the other disordered people.

   I admire people who have recovered (and that includes you, Stacy). Thinking about the future, I imagine myself as a grown up, happy and healthy, with a huge ED history, but I can't imagine an actual "recovery." Heck, this has only been going on for 2 years and I already have IBS and can't shit on my own and so on. Blah.

   "The deadliest of all psychiatric disorders."

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