It has been at least 4 hours since I've started thinking whether I should go to gym today or not. There are so many people there most of them are men. And I'm a girl, younger than them. I feel like I don't feel there. I wish I could do something on my own, like go running outside. I am so scared.
And if I don't go, I will feel super guilty. I can do crunches and so on at home, but what about cardio? I can't run around my room! I'm so, so scared. What should I do? I don't want to feel guilty, no, but I'm also frightened of seeing those people again. If I don't go, they'll think I'm lazy and have no motivation. On the other hand, I'm going to gym for myself, not for the other people, so it shouldn't be a problem if I exercise at home.
I am scared and confused and I want to hide under my bed. I don't know what to do. I don't fit there, but what else can I do? It's winter and I can't run outside, and it's going to be cold outside for another 3-4 months. My fear has never been so intense, I don't why it's happening today. Instead of doing my homework or reading or painting or doing anything productive, I'm stuck in front of my laptop, doing nothing. I didn't go to gym yesterday, either. I don't want to go, but that makes me a lazy, unmotivated ass. I feel like crap.
I don't even like the gym. Because it's full of people. I can't believe I'm really having this problem. Fear of people. I want to hit my head against a wall. I won't have the time to exercise at home. I'll do other things that don't even matter and there will be no time for me to exercise properly.
TIME. I need more time and I don't have it. This is the third week of the winter holidays. I have accomplished so little so far. In fact, I've done most of the things I had to do, but they were school related stuff. I barely did anything for myself, which is why I feel I've been wasting all this time.
Fear, fear, fear. I'm not going to gym. nonono. Not until next week. I'm seeing my therapist tomorrow, I will talk to her about this issue, I find it incredibly weird that my fear is so intense now. It's not like I feel fat and that gives me a reason to be embarassed to go. I've actually lost a pound since yesterday. AAAAAaasdfghjmhgfds. My entire body is itching and I have to wiggle wiggle my fingers because I can't stand still. I want to run until I reach the end of this damn planet.
I should go now. I'll do some homework, maybe it'll calm me down.
I hate Chemistry, I hate it and I don't understand it and I've got problems to solve. I've done 5 so far but I didn't know how to do them, so I looked up the answers at the end of the book. I am stupid. Even if I finished this semester with a 9.73 average. I feel like I have lice in my hair since yesterday.