Wednesday, January 9, 2013

Gym anxiety

   It has been at least 4 hours since I've started thinking whether I should go to gym today or not. There are so many people there most of them are men. And I'm a girl, younger than them. I feel like I don't feel there. I wish I could do something on my own, like go running outside. I am so scared.

   And if I don't go, I will feel super guilty. I can do crunches and so on at home, but what about cardio? I can't run around my room! I'm so, so scared. What should I do? I don't want to feel guilty, no, but I'm also frightened of seeing those people again. If I don't go, they'll think I'm lazy and have no motivation. On the other hand, I'm going to gym for myself, not for the other people, so it shouldn't be a problem if I exercise at home.

   I am scared and confused and I want to hide under my bed. I don't know what to do. I don't fit there, but what else can I do? It's winter and I can't run outside, and it's going to be cold outside for another 3-4 months. My fear has never been so intense, I don't why it's happening today. Instead of doing my homework  or reading or painting or doing anything productive, I'm stuck in front of my laptop, doing nothing. I didn't go to gym yesterday, either. I don't want to go, but that makes me a lazy, unmotivated ass. I feel like crap.

  I don't even like the gym. Because it's full of people. I can't believe I'm really having this problem. Fear of people. I want to hit my head against a wall. I won't have the time to exercise at home. I'll do other things that don't even matter and there will be no time for me to exercise properly.

   TIME. I need more time and I don't have it. This is the third week of the winter holidays. I have accomplished so little so far. In fact, I've done most of the things I had to do, but they were school related stuff. I barely did anything for myself, which is why I feel I've been wasting all this time.

   Fear, fear, fear. I'm not going to gym. nonono. Not until next week. I'm seeing my therapist tomorrow, I will talk to her about this issue, I find it incredibly weird that my fear is so intense now. It's not like I feel fat and that gives me a reason to be embarassed to go. I've actually lost a pound since yesterday. AAAAAaasdfghjmhgfds. My entire body is itching and I have to wiggle wiggle my fingers because I can't stand still. I want to run until I reach the end of this damn planet.

   I should go now. I'll do some homework, maybe it'll calm me down.

   I hate Chemistry, I hate it and I don't understand it and I've got problems to solve. I've done 5 so far but I didn't know how to do them, so I looked up the answers at the end of the book. I am stupid. Even if I finished this semester with a 9.73 average. I feel like I have lice in my hair since yesterday.


  1. I know EXACTLY how you feel. Gym anxiety is rough. In fact, it took me almost two weeks to finally get my booty in the gym due to the paralyzing anxiety that people were going to judge me, look at me funny, smirk at me, and think, "ugh, there's just another girl who made losing weight her new year's resolution," since I'd obviously be a new face to them; but, like you said, I am there for ME and ME only. My stress level had gotten so high that I realized sitting at home was not going to make it better. I took my music, hopped on the elliptical (and I, too, was the only girl there for at least a half hour), and entered into my own zone. I completely tuned everyone out for awhile and focused on myself. As time went on, it became easier, I did some people watching, and came to realize that everyone there, whether we believe it or not, are also in their own worlds, and I can guarantee no one is looking at and focusing on you. I am going to head back to the gym today to focus on some strength straining, which I blogged about yesterday as being a huge fear of mine, seeing as how I don't want to embarrass myself and look like a fool trying to fit in with the guys using the intimidating machines. So if I can do it, you definitely can do it! I believe in you. Keep your chin up and let's do this together :-) Think of how awesome you'll feel afterwards :-) :-) :-) You deserve that feeling.

  2. nu exista traducerea paginii pe undeva:(( deabia inteleg:d