Monday, February 11, 2013

The world is wrong

   I'm in the middle of my German homework now. Something really weird happened.

   Remember a few months ago, when I went to Bucharest, that I met the 24-year-old (now 25) who is in love with me? I also met his girlfriend (who is a sweetheart) and he took us on his motorbike. My parents have, somehow, found out about it. I told no one about this except for my ex, who I'm 100% sure they didn't talk to. And I wrote on this blog about it. I doubt they have found my blog, because otherwise I wouldn't be here anymore. I have this blog for over a year and the things I wrote here would have seriously concerned them, so there's no freakin chance they've found it. Hopefully. The only thing they could've done was read my texts. Which they have done before, so there's no wonder they did it again. I can't trust them.

   Yes, I lied to them about who I was going out with, but only because they wouldn't have let me go. Since I was little, they told me not to talk to "strangers" on the internet, because they'll fucking come to our home and rape me and kidnap me and kill me. That's why I never told them that I have a blog (well, more), that I talk to certain people from different countries and so on. I hate them for not respecting my privacy. I have this right. And I will never, ever trust them again.

   I'm still taking pills and throwing up and cutting myself. Nothing new.

   I hate Bucharest with my entire heart. I reached my highest weight yesterday. Fucking 64.2. I have never been here before. The plan was to go without food for the entire week, but then I said "Ok, let's give it one last freakin chance." So I ate somewhat healthily today. I hate myself. No, wait, I hate them. I want to take all the pills in the world. Also, thanks to Grey's Anatomy, I have found one more way to die. Which is so damn easy and handy... I won't say it here because this isn't a "let's kill ourselves, folks!" blog. It's just so easy to escape this life.

   I want to be in someone else's body. I love everything about myself except for my body. I want to take a break. Lax and ibuprofen and sedatives and I'll be just fine..

   My therapist doesn't think I  have an ED. Oh YES, because people usually abuse laxatives and throw up and  go for 5 days without food with no problem! THANK GOD I'm fucking normal, right? I'm just dieting, because this is what you do when you diet, you take lax for one year and a half and throw up and daaamn, you're not only not losing weight, but you are gaining! It is super effective! Try this new, Chanelle-style diet!

   Go to hell and burn.

   Not to mention that my cuts are just "slips," nothing serious going on.

   I hate the world. I have learned one thing during these past few weeks: Don't trust everyone. Question everything you know. If you want to survive in this world, you'll have to ignore what people say, don't be easily influenced, stand up for yourself and for what you believe in.
One of the things that shocked me was my grandpa. He told my brother not to be friends with the boy who has lower grades. How insane/stupid/superficial do you have to be to say that? They are only 8 years old! Of course, never play with that boy, his parents sure as fuck have money for paying his therapists in the future! I'm sure he'll need one, since he'll be ignored and laughed at at school. The world changes person by person. If my brother starts ignoring the boy, the entire class will. Just imagine. I started yelling at my grandpa when he said that. I wanted to cry. Imagine an 8-year-old crying, sitting alone and being avoided by all his classmates, only because his grades aren't as high as expected. This is called cruelty.

   I'm going back to my homework now. Have a nice day/evening/whatever...

1 comment:

  1. I agree with you...they should respect your privacy and I too really think its wrong that your grandpa told your brother not to be friends with a boy who gets low grades. He might be really good in some other thing. Intelligence or high grades are not all what makes a person successful in life. Most of the successful people all over the world are actually school drop-outs or college drop-outs.
    Take care of your brother..little children get affected by these things very him to do the right thing. I'm a psychology student and I know how small things like this can affect a child's future !!
    Take care of yourself as well chanelle !! :)