Sunday, February 3, 2013


   It is the very first time in my life that school causes me such huge amount of stress. It is awful. I have to go to bed at 10 in order to be able to wake up at 6:20. Sometimes I wake up earlier (5-6 am) to do homework, then go back to sleep. When I'm at my grandma's in the afternoon, I take a nap. I am exhausted.

   The teachers exaggerate and think we only have one subject, their subject, to study for. Nope. I have more than 15 subjects. And I need a decent average in all of them. I've been struggling with PE/Sports lately. The woman wants us to stand on our heads. I can't.

   Also, my chemistry teacher has a problem with me. I've noticed it since September. If she wants anyone to come to the board and do an exercise, that's me. And I can solve it every single time. School has only started 3 weeks ago, she has already sent me to the board twice. This is what happened on Tuesday: She was making an experiment with the electrolysis of water. The lesson was a bit complicated and, to be honest, I had almost no idea what was going on. Neither did the rest of my class. She then called us stupid, which she is definitely not allowed to do. How dare she?! The teacher looked at me. "You, what's your name?" - "[Chanelle], woman, you've been testing and sending me to the board so many times lately and you still don't know my name?" I go to the board and do as I am told: write the reaction of the chemical decomposition of water. I knew how to do it. H2O ---> H2 + 1/2 O2. She thanks me and tells me to go back to my seat.
   Class finishes, my friends and I take a little longer to get our stuff. The teachers looks at us and starts saying in a loud voice: "You didn't study anything for today! How can you come to class like that?! You should be ashamed! *pointing at me* Aren't you ashamed?" Not knowing what to do, since I proved her that I knew the answer to what she asked me to do, I say "I am." Then she asks my best friend the same thing. She said she was, too, even if the teacher hadn't asked her anything during class. After we left, my friend and I had a tiny chat:
Friend: "God, she's mad."
Chanelle: "I know! I mean, she asks me if I'm ashamed, what would I be ashamed for? 'Yeah, woman, I am ashamed if you want me to, but I'm actually not ashamed at all. On the other hand, you should be ashamed for calling us stupid multiple times and yelling at us and saying we're the shame of the school when, in fact, we're one of your favorite classes.' - that's what I should've said."

   Everyone in our school is afraid of this woman. She's even been sued once for giving a low grade to a good student, for no reason. And that grade would've kept the student from being admitted to any university - it's a little more complicated. In conclusion, yes, the woman is kiwi (nuts) and should buuuuuuurn.

   My brother got dizzy today and fell. My parents took him to the ER. It's almost 1 AM and they aren't back yet.

   I talked to my ex yesterday and today. H texted me first yesterday, we talked, then I texted him today. He called me and we spoke for 40 minutes. Forty! What's with all these mixed signals? One day we're talking for almost an hour, then no one says anything for two weeks, then one of remembers that the other still exists and texts them, we go out two days later, then baaaang, one or two weeks silence. Damn. We're not together. He lost contact with his other exes. Why are we still talking to each other? Maybe because a little piece of myself is still truly, deeply, madly in love with him. Maybe.

   I should go to sleep now. We definitely need longer weekends. All I do on Saturdays is homework, then Sunday comes, when I study for tests, then guess what! another week of school and stress and sleep deprivation and stress and food and purging and maybe cutting and sometimes crying, oh, and some more stress. I've been having nightmares lately. Enough nightmares to notice that they're way more often than usual.

   Good night.

1 comment:

  1. Aww, I'm sorry things are like this for you. I totally know the feeling about teachers, and that really sucks that your Chemistry is being so awful. Have you been eating? Drinking water? I've noticed thatI generally can get really tired if I don't eat or have enough water. I'd recommend coffee or Monster, but really it's best to try not to use caffeine if you can help it.