Confusion

   Remember when you were in Maths class and had to calculate something, but the number you got in the end was just too weird or too perfect?

   Confusion is a thing that many of us feel. It is there without us knowing of it, but it makes sure it appears right when we have nothing else to do. When we have nothing to think about. When we are empty.

   How do I know if I have an eating disorder if I have never been diagnosed, but have an unhealthy behavior towards food for almost a year now? What if I am eating normally and taking laxatives, 9 at a time? What if, one day, I feel good and eat much, but then throw up until there is nothing left? What if I can binge as if I had never eaten before, but also eat nothing for five days? What if I used to spend three or four days a week only drinking liquids? Is it disordered eating? Is it an eating disorder? Or when I used to exercise until I could not breathe anymore, almost crying, muscles dying? Or, perhaps, when I feel paranoid whenever I go to bathroom during the night? When I never go to the same pharmacy twice?
 
   How do I know if I am depressed if I am angry and hateful in the morning, happy until evening, and suicidal before going to sleep? What was it, when I wrote a "Goodbye" note? What was it, when I sat right in the middle of the house for minutes, laughing as hard as I could, and half an hour later slicing my body with a broken glass? What was it, when I sat on the ledge of the window, not knowing if I should jump or not; but forgot the episode the next week? What about, when I have to see a psychiatrist for my changing moods (or the "nothing" feeling) which cause me to self-harm?

   What can I think about myself when I remember having visual and auditory hallucinations? "But, Dad, I swear Mom was right there, reading her e-mails on her blackberry," or "Wait.. I hear something ringing. What? You can't hear it? But it is here!" Or when I almost start crying because of the "bang, bang, bang" sound in my head? Or on some Saturdays, when I used to lie in bed and didn't want to get out because I wanted to avoid my grandparents, who I could swear were downstairs talking to my parents.


   How do I know if I have an eating disorder or not, am depressed or not, am insane or not; how do I know if I am okay or not?