Today is the last day of the Eating Disorders Awareness Week. Also, the 1st of March was Self Injury Awareness Day.
I don't know how to feel about this. I can't even feel anything. With my wrists cut from last Sunday, hands scratched from throwing up, 800 cals burnt in a work out, a mixture of eight or nine or ten white and orange little pills swallowed -- waiting to kick in at four o'clock in the morning. I am always awake at four o'clock, anyways. Always awake.. never able to sleep properly.
To that I should add that, on March 13th I'm having my first appointment with a psychiatrist. What if she'll give me a diagnose? What if she'll prescribe me pills? What if all this becomes real?
It won't be a fantasy anymore. Parents will know. People will know. Everyone will judge. But I'll keep faking it all. Faking happiness. Joy. Sadness. Anger. I'll never know if I'm faking it or if it's real. everything will be the same, there will be nothing special in my life. Happiness is usual. Sadness is usual. Cutting. Crying. Screaming. Not sleeping. Throwing up. Laxatives. It's going to be fun. It has always been.
But back to awareness. Be aware that these things are real. Be aware that, despite one's smile and laughter, there can be a lot more happening behind them. Be aware that it's not a game. Be aware that the common misconceptions of self harm and eating disorders are just that - misconceptions. Stop believing we're cutting for attention. Stop believing we're influenced by the media or that we all think we're fat.
Be aware that we are here..