Monday, March 26, 2012

   The sun is blinding my eyes as it is setting. I go and go and go without stopping. I take the longest route. The thoughts are running through my head, songs are running through my head. There is so much noise. so much noise that I can't hear my own thoughts. I am going faster, faster. Faster than him. Faster than her. I almost start running, running from something that could be following me, something I am afraid of.
   I need to be there by 5:40. I'll be there. I will be there. The faster I go, the more I feel I am being held back by something. Big, quick steps - why can I not go faster? Faster, faster. I'll be there, even if I have to die on my way there. Nothing can stop me. Calves hurt. Ankles are paralyzed. My feet are losing control, my legs fall brutally on the ground. I do not feel anything anymore. "Where are all the wannarexics at? Once yo' thin, yo' still see fat." Play, replay, play, replay, why do you not stop? Go away. Get out, get out. "I need my mind to be empty and I know I can empty it why does it not work why won't it work why are these random words flying through my head I know I make no sense thank God no one can hear me I want home I want out I want it to be over and die and be over and everything and why are the thoughts rushing through my head why get out get out." Turn left, go up the hill. I am getting tired. I almost run past the people, they might wonder what I am running from. "The tougher it is, the more you need to push yourself. Break the fucking limit." By the time I am there, I can't feel anything. My legs hurt, I am screaming, not breathing.

   I am the second to arrive.

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