I have finally managed to edit this one part a little bit. The first chapter can be found here.
It was one of those nights again. One of those nights when food had touched my lips and run down my throat, just to get out the same way. I was afraid of my family hearing the noises. The choking. The coughing. The food as it hit the water and the water being flushed way too many times. I felt the taste of tomatoes. The acid sticking to my teeth. My throat hurting. Runny nose. Tears in my eyes. Heart racing...
I can't feel anything, my mind is filled with nothing, and I need to feel something. Something to fill me up. I take the pill in my hand. Small and white. I crumble it and put it on a paper, carefully bringing it beneath my nose. Are you ready? More than ever. Snort. Cough. Breathe in. Clean. Ignore the pain.
Take the broken glass and caress my ankles with it. Cold, sharp. Quickly moving you back and forth, back and forth, until you rip my skin. I am a dry ocean – something which used to be full, beautiful, but which is now just a bunch of nothing. Where did it all go? Where did it go? A thin, red line comes to surface. Blood.
I am a shadow haunting your soul in the middle of the night, never letting you sleep. Never sleeping myself. Never being able to close my eyes, and when I'll do... It will be forever. Never going to wake up... Never.
Why do I feel good when I'm doing these, when I know that it would hurt you if you knew? Why is it so hard to choose? Lying to you and hurting you, they are not so far away from each other. Because, by each of them, I am inevitably hurting myself. Confusion is invading me. Why would you, or anyone else, care about me? I know you have better things to do and have your own lives. I know it very well. All I am afraid of is that I will somehow push you away. That you will be gone because of me. Still, there are times when I am wondering if you are thinking of me. If you will call. If you ever think of me as I think of you.