Done with therapy

   I went to therapy on Thursday. My therapist said something like "You don't need to be afraid to tell me that you want to stop coming," but I didn't even want to stop. So she said I shouldn't come anymore, if I don't want to. Honestly, I'm feeling a lot better now.

• ED-wise: I'm not weighing myself anymore. And I'm not gaining/losing, either. But the number on the scale is so depressing, that I'd rather skip seeing it. I'm still throwing up and taking laxatives. Bleah. Looking back, I've gained a lot of weight since my ED behavior started. I weighed 58 kilos, starved myself down to 53 (which lasted for.. 2 days) then baaaang, one year and a half later, 63-64 kilos. I think I only got about 1-2 cm taller, but also gained some muscle weight (since I've been going to gym). But STILL, 10 kilos is a fucking lot. I'm not even overweight. Not even chubby. But I want to be stick-thin so, so badly.

• Cutting-wise: I haven't cut lately. Which is okay, I think. I never thought I could let go of this habit. I'm a bit nostalgic now, though I shouldn't. I remember the desperation, all that chaos in my head. The blood flowing, my fingers going numb, having to hide my scars.

• Relationship-wise: I went out with my ex on Thursday. We're getting along well. I've figured out that there's almost no chance that the two of us will get back together... and it hurts. But, recently, a guy from another class (still my year) is flirting with me. And he seems serious about it, he's not playing. I can't wait to see what this entire thing turns into.

   Besides that, I'm no longer talking to the guy from Bucharest, the biker. His girlfriend (whom I'm very good friends with) has found out some weird stuff about him... that he threatened his ex with a knife, that he's sexually obsessed (yeah, I've noticed that, too) and some other stuff. I pushed him away. Not to mention that he got his ex and my friend pregnant (not at the same time) and they've both had to have abortions. Whiiich sucks.

   This weekend was okay. Not so much homework. I also got a new phone, it's got a touch screen, so I'm having a hard time typing. Otherwise, I love it.

   Have a nice day, I hope everyone is doing okay :)

149

   I don't even know what to blog about anymore. I'm eating, purging, taking lax. I feel like my entire life is about my ED. The first thing I do when I wake up in the morning, instinctively, is to touch my belly. Then I pee, take off my clothes, weigh myself, again, again, put my clothes back on. I wash my teeth. I go into my room and check for updates on the blogs I'm following. I get dressed. I make my bed. I take my backpack and go downstairs. I see some fruit in a basket. "No food today. Or try to eat just a little." I put on my shoes, my jacket, get in the car. I arrive at school. Classes. Sometimes I eat, sometimes I don't. Then I have Romanian/Maths/German tutoring (not because I'm not good at them, I'm actually doing well. But I have exams this summer and all the parents want their kids to get the highest grades). On Thursdays I go to therapy. On Fridays I go home. On a few of these days I go to gym.
   As soon as I get home, I eat and eat and eat and purge and take lax and eat some more and purge and don't wash my teeth (it harms the teeth after purging... even more) and go to sleep. Repeat.
   On Saturdays and Sundays I do homework, endless assignments and exercises and things to learn.


   I am beyond exhausted. I am tired. I want to cry right now because I've been working like hell all week(end) and I'm still not done. I want to die. Shoot me. Now. Please.
   My gym membership expired yesterday, so I'm not going to gym this week. There's no time. I need time.

   On a more positive note, I'm one book ahead with my 2013 reading challenge - 25 books. I hope I'll read more, though. I am now re-reading Bitterschokolade (bitter chocolate). My German teacher said there are some "inappropriate words." Guess what the words were? Penis and breasts. Jesus. We're not 8 anymore.

   All I need now is some time. And a hug. And a pimple-less face. Argh.

The world is wrong

   I'm in the middle of my German homework now. Something really weird happened.

   Remember a few months ago, when I went to Bucharest, that I met the 24-year-old (now 25) who is in love with me? I also met his girlfriend (who is a sweetheart) and he took us on his motorbike. My parents have, somehow, found out about it. I told no one about this except for my ex, who I'm 100% sure they didn't talk to. And I wrote on this blog about it. I doubt they have found my blog, because otherwise I wouldn't be here anymore. I have this blog for over a year and the things I wrote here would have seriously concerned them, so there's no freakin chance they've found it. Hopefully. The only thing they could've done was read my texts. Which they have done before, so there's no wonder they did it again. I can't trust them.

   Yes, I lied to them about who I was going out with, but only because they wouldn't have let me go. Since I was little, they told me not to talk to "strangers" on the internet, because they'll fucking come to our home and rape me and kidnap me and kill me. That's why I never told them that I have a blog (well, more), that I talk to certain people from different countries and so on. I hate them for not respecting my privacy. I have this right. And I will never, ever trust them again.

   I'm still taking pills and throwing up and cutting myself. Nothing new.

   I hate Bucharest with my entire heart. I reached my highest weight yesterday. Fucking 64.2. I have never been here before. The plan was to go without food for the entire week, but then I said "Ok, let's give it one last freakin chance." So I ate somewhat healthily today. I hate myself. No, wait, I hate them. I want to take all the pills in the world. Also, thanks to Grey's Anatomy, I have found one more way to die. Which is so damn easy and handy... I won't say it here because this isn't a "let's kill ourselves, folks!" blog. It's just so easy to escape this life.

   I want to be in someone else's body. I love everything about myself except for my body. I want to take a break. Lax and ibuprofen and sedatives and I'll be just fine..

   My therapist doesn't think I  have an ED. Oh YES, because people usually abuse laxatives and throw up and  go for 5 days without food with no problem! THANK GOD I'm fucking normal, right? I'm just dieting, because this is what you do when you diet, you take lax for one year and a half and throw up and daaamn, you're not only not losing weight, but you are gaining! It is super effective! Try this new, Chanelle-style diet!

   Go to hell and burn.

   Not to mention that my cuts are just "slips," nothing serious going on.

   I hate the world. I have learned one thing during these past few weeks: Don't trust everyone. Question everything you know. If you want to survive in this world, you'll have to ignore what people say, don't be easily influenced, stand up for yourself and for what you believe in.
One of the things that shocked me was my grandpa. He told my brother not to be friends with the boy who has lower grades. How insane/stupid/superficial do you have to be to say that? They are only 8 years old! Of course, never play with that boy, his parents sure as fuck have money for paying his therapists in the future! I'm sure he'll need one, since he'll be ignored and laughed at at school. The world changes person by person. If my brother starts ignoring the boy, the entire class will. Just imagine. I started yelling at my grandpa when he said that. I wanted to cry. Imagine an 8-year-old crying, sitting alone and being avoided by all his classmates, only because his grades aren't as high as expected. This is called cruelty.

   I'm going back to my homework now. Have a nice day/evening/whatever...

Overwhelmed

   It is the very first time in my life that school causes me such huge amount of stress. It is awful. I have to go to bed at 10 in order to be able to wake up at 6:20. Sometimes I wake up earlier (5-6 am) to do homework, then go back to sleep. When I'm at my grandma's in the afternoon, I take a nap. I am exhausted.

   The teachers exaggerate and think we only have one subject, their subject, to study for. Nope. I have more than 15 subjects. And I need a decent average in all of them. I've been struggling with PE/Sports lately. The woman wants us to stand on our heads. I can't.

   Also, my chemistry teacher has a problem with me. I've noticed it since September. If she wants anyone to come to the board and do an exercise, that's me. And I can solve it every single time. School has only started 3 weeks ago, she has already sent me to the board twice. This is what happened on Tuesday: She was making an experiment with the electrolysis of water. The lesson was a bit complicated and, to be honest, I had almost no idea what was going on. Neither did the rest of my class. She then called us stupid, which she is definitely not allowed to do. How dare she?! The teacher looked at me. "You, what's your name?" - "[Chanelle], woman, you've been testing and sending me to the board so many times lately and you still don't know my name?" I go to the board and do as I am told: write the reaction of the chemical decomposition of water. I knew how to do it. H2O ---> H2 + 1/2 O2. She thanks me and tells me to go back to my seat.
   Class finishes, my friends and I take a little longer to get our stuff. The teachers looks at us and starts saying in a loud voice: "You didn't study anything for today! How can you come to class like that?! You should be ashamed! *pointing at me* Aren't you ashamed?" Not knowing what to do, since I proved her that I knew the answer to what she asked me to do, I say "I am." Then she asks my best friend the same thing. She said she was, too, even if the teacher hadn't asked her anything during class. After we left, my friend and I had a tiny chat:
Friend: "God, she's mad."
Chanelle: "I know! I mean, she asks me if I'm ashamed, what would I be ashamed for? 'Yeah, woman, I am ashamed if you want me to, but I'm actually not ashamed at all. On the other hand, you should be ashamed for calling us stupid multiple times and yelling at us and saying we're the shame of the school when, in fact, we're one of your favorite classes.' - that's what I should've said."

   Everyone in our school is afraid of this woman. She's even been sued once for giving a low grade to a good student, for no reason. And that grade would've kept the student from being admitted to any university - it's a little more complicated. In conclusion, yes, the woman is kiwi (nuts) and should buuuuuuurn.

   My brother got dizzy today and fell. My parents took him to the ER. It's almost 1 AM and they aren't back yet.

   I talked to my ex yesterday and today. H texted me first yesterday, we talked, then I texted him today. He called me and we spoke for 40 minutes. Forty! What's with all these mixed signals? One day we're talking for almost an hour, then no one says anything for two weeks, then one of remembers that the other still exists and texts them, we go out two days later, then baaaang, one or two weeks silence. Damn. We're not together. He lost contact with his other exes. Why are we still talking to each other? Maybe because a little piece of myself is still truly, deeply, madly in love with him. Maybe.

   I should go to sleep now. We definitely need longer weekends. All I do on Saturdays is homework, then Sunday comes, when I study for tests, then guess what! another week of school and stress and sleep deprivation and stress and food and purging and maybe cutting and sometimes crying, oh, and some more stress. I've been having nightmares lately. Enough nightmares to notice that they're way more often than usual.

   Good night.

Let the bodies hit the floor

   I should have expected this. As soon as I entered my grandmother's house on Monday, I started eating. A lot. And the same shit happened the entire week.

   Long story short, I threw up twice last week (for the first time this year) and also cut (for the first time in more than one month). I felt like such a disappointment. I gained back all the weight. 5 days of not eating, 2 days of eating almost like a normal person, and BANG! I gained everything back in just a few days. I took lax today.

   Yesterday I went to the gym with the suicidal girl. My body looks better than hers. She's pretty unfamiliar with how one should behave in a gym. She was chewing gum, hair was coming into her face, she was sitting on different machines and not doing anything. And she had to take down her jacked, so all of her cuts and burns were visible. Of course, not a single person gave her a weird look. Not a single person. The hell.

   I'm starting to like her less and less. She's so dramatic, she thinks that no one in this world has it worse than her.

Chanelle: "There are worse cases."
Girl: "Oh, really. Yeah, sure, worse cases."
Chanelle: "There are parents who kill their kids or throw them out in the street. You have food and shelter, at least."

   I wasn't saying her situation wasn't bad. No, it is bad, worse than mine. I feel bad and arrogant for saying this, but I am so much better than her. She's an okay person, but I hate people who complain ALL DAY LONG, who are lazy, who blame people for no reason etc. Also, like I said in the previous post, I hate ignorant people like her mother. "She said she'd stop. Why didn't she just stop?" Oh, sure! Let's find an anorexic and tell her to eat a sandwich, THAT'S THE CURE. This kind of people should have their heads cut off (not people like the girl, but like her mother). But that doesn't mean I agree with the girl's behavior. It must be really hard for her, I know. My therapist said I used to be parasuicidal, but she is the high-risk kind of suicidal. Blah. I never ever complained to my friends and I'm glad I didn't. She is just pushing people away. Including me.

   My little best friend saw some scars on my abdomen. I told her they were old. She never mentioned them again. Actually, they were made in December. Who cares.

Pftttchh

   I must admit, eating yesterday felt incredibly weird. I got used to it after a while and ended up eating normal-ish. Thank God I didn't overeat, or anything else that could have made me feel awful. This morning I was so dizzy, that I had to lie on the floor a bit after getting out of bed. I am usually dizzy but add five days of not eating to that and this is what you get. A Chanelle lying on the floor.

   I am not sure whether I should share this kind of stuff anymore or not. There are people who envy my behavior and want to stop eating because, well, "that lucky skinny bitch went five days without food." No, no one said it THAT way. Which is why I ask -- would it be better if I kept this stuff to myself? This is no "Omg its my blog and i dont even have the freedom to write whatever i want" situation, I'm just thinking that it's maybe not good for other people to read these things. On the other hand, I also have a weird feeling every time I talk about not eating, cutting etc. I feel like I am bragging or something, which I'm definitely not.
Enlighten me!

   I don't know if I said this before, but my ex texted me on Friday and asked me to go out sometime (as friends of course). I agreed and asked him if he could come today. Because he might be coming, I arranged with a friend (the only one who knows about him) to meet me tonight and after that I'll go see him if he can come. He never is and never has been sure whether he could meet me or not. I'm hoping for the best.

   The suicidal girl I went to the ER with wants to run away from home. She is now seeing my therapist. My mother called her and said "She promised not to cut anymore. Why did she do it?" -- Woman, just tell me, how stupid are you?! Do you expect a cutter to "just" stop?! I was so angry. To be continued.

Hunger

   I haven't eaten since *drum roll* Sunday. Despite that, I have consumed liquids: milk, coffee, hot chocolate. My energy level is not very low, but my therapist, who saw me yesterday, said I looked pale and tired. I shouldn't, but I am happy that I didn't eat. It makes me feel accomplished, fulfilled. I am getting more tired by the minute. I will go to bed as soon as I finish this post. I am going to eat tomorrow.

   It's the first time this week that I'm feeling hungry. Well, not necessarily hungry, but like "something" is missing. Super-smart me, I took 3 laxatives earlier today. I am expecting pain, exhaustion and poor sleep tonight.

   Of course, I lost weight. During the holidays, except for when I was with my friends, I managed to control my intake a bit. That means, not snacking all day long. Which is a good thing. My BMI is 20.2 I lost 1.5 kg (3-4 pounds) this week.

   To be honest, I feel a bit guilty for writing this on my blog. I know it is read by people trying to lose weight, eating disordered people, people trying to recover from an ED or just ordinary people who are not concerned about their body and weight. I am not saying that not eating is good. It is, actually, an unhealthy thing which can lead to death - I am aware of this. However, I am not sure why I am doing it. Other than seeing my body and the number on the scale change, there is also this tiredness I get after a few days of not getting enough calories - the kind of tiredness I feel after a hard workout. (By the way, I also went to gym on Tuesday. I only exercised for 1h-1.5h, maybe, but it was enough to make me dizzy) It is the Wonderland I am traveling to. I'm in this parallel world, you see, where nothing is real anymore, where I hide food from my dad, pretend I ate it, then give it to my friends the next day - my friends who don't suspect a single thing.

   What I'm trying to say is, I'm not recommending this to anyone. It is one of the most used cliches, but exercise and a healthy diet will help you lose weight. Like I said above, my goal is not only to lose weight, but to achieve a certain physical and mental state (Wonderland). I feel like I can't breathe anymore.

Back to school

(this post was supposed to appear on Monday... I think there was an error or something :-/)

   School has started again for me and I've already got a lot of homework to do. I can't say I'm complaining, because keeping myself busy also keeps me away from food - which I know I shouldn't be happy about, but I am. My ex didn't call/text me on my birthday and, despite being upset then, I'm ok with it now. He doesn't owe me anything, does he?

   I have no idea why, but my mood was super-high today, at least in the afternoon. I was walking outside and went past the places I used to go to with my ex: the 10-floor block (yep, the roof of it, making jokes that I was going to jump, only to make him pull me closer to him), the alley between two houses and so on. However, I don't think that that was the reason of my happiness. I think it was the weather. I usually feel euphoric as soon as spring begins, but dammit, we're in January! Despite that, I wasn't freezing or anything, so that's probably why I was feeling very good.

   I feel that I have a strong connection with the nature. Though it usually doesn't make me feel anything negative, there are very many times when I just want to run to Mother Nature and giver her a hug. I love the rain. I love the sunrises and sunsets during summer - even if it's the season I dislike the most. And I love days like today: spring- or autumn-ish, a bearable temperature, not too warm, not too cold, the wind through my hair, the fresh air, the sun hidden between the clouds, but not necessarily behind them.

   There's some bad news, too. Well, I don't mind this thing very much, but it would've been better if it didn't happen -- or not?! My dad has restricted my internet access to one hour per day. Since his laptop is out of order now, there's no reason for him to turn on the wireless for more than one hour. Although one hour per days seems very little to me, I now have a LOT more time to read and do things for myself. The internet kind of steals away my time, I have figured. Since I only have one hour, I am trying to make the best of it, doing the important things first: reading blogs/writing on my blog, checking e-mails, facebook updates (oh yesss, extremely important) and also watching the Friends show. I have seen a lot of episodes a few years ago, but now I'm taking it seriously and watching every. single. episode. Because I love the show. :)

   I wish everyone a nice day/evening and hope that you are all well.

Random... or not. Not at all.

   Well. 16 hours until I'm "born." Today's my birthday and my mom said I'll have a surprise later in the evening.

   I have been downloading Sims 2 custom content for a few hours - not the game won't start. I'm clicking and clicking and aaaaahh! I hope the custom content didn't super overload the laptop. If it eventually decides to start, I'll probably be playing all night long.

    Aaaand guess what I did today! I went to gym! It wasn't that bad after all. I received a few stares, but I think I only noticed them because I was so anxious - they weren't anything meaningful.

   What can I say.. All I'm doing now is replying to Facebook "happy b-day" wishes from people I never talk to. Plus my History teacher. God, he's an awesome dude, but when it comes to teaching.. go home, sir! I also got a "happy b-day" from the girl who, during my relationship with my ex, asked him to be with her. And of course, he refused. They're still friends. To be super honest, I can't wait for him to call or text me today. That would be the greatest gift.. I texted him on his birthday. We've also talked a few days ago. Since we broke up, he's changed a lot. He's clubbing and drinking and has made a looot of new friends.

   Like I told the 24-year-old guy I met on the net (who keeps flirting with me despite having a girlfriend...), I have a "something" that keeps people down on earth. I used to be friends with a girl, she's doing drugs now. There are 2 or 3 girls in my class, we used to be friends, now everyone (including me) thinks they are stupid, attention-seeking bitches. Sorry. My friend (whom I've also met on the net), the girl who used to be my BEST friend, the one who's moved to London.. she's now more whorish and stupid and attention-seeking and blowjob-ing than ever. My ex is clubbing and drinking and so on (aaand he almost got in trouble with the police). Who's next? :)

   I think that'll be all. I reaaally, really hope that Sims 2 will finally load ;( It makes me sad. supa' sad. Have a nice day, everyone!

Gym anxiety

   It has been at least 4 hours since I've started thinking whether I should go to gym today or not. There are so many people there most of them are men. And I'm a girl, younger than them. I feel like I don't feel there. I wish I could do something on my own, like go running outside. I am so scared.

   And if I don't go, I will feel super guilty. I can do crunches and so on at home, but what about cardio? I can't run around my room! I'm so, so scared. What should I do? I don't want to feel guilty, no, but I'm also frightened of seeing those people again. If I don't go, they'll think I'm lazy and have no motivation. On the other hand, I'm going to gym for myself, not for the other people, so it shouldn't be a problem if I exercise at home.

   I am scared and confused and I want to hide under my bed. I don't know what to do. I don't fit there, but what else can I do? It's winter and I can't run outside, and it's going to be cold outside for another 3-4 months. My fear has never been so intense, I don't why it's happening today. Instead of doing my homework  or reading or painting or doing anything productive, I'm stuck in front of my laptop, doing nothing. I didn't go to gym yesterday, either. I don't want to go, but that makes me a lazy, unmotivated ass. I feel like crap.

  I don't even like the gym. Because it's full of people. I can't believe I'm really having this problem. Fear of people. I want to hit my head against a wall. I won't have the time to exercise at home. I'll do other things that don't even matter and there will be no time for me to exercise properly.

   TIME. I need more time and I don't have it. This is the third week of the winter holidays. I have accomplished so little so far. In fact, I've done most of the things I had to do, but they were school related stuff. I barely did anything for myself, which is why I feel I've been wasting all this time.

   Fear, fear, fear. I'm not going to gym. nonono. Not until next week. I'm seeing my therapist tomorrow, I will talk to her about this issue, I find it incredibly weird that my fear is so intense now. It's not like I feel fat and that gives me a reason to be embarassed to go. I've actually lost a pound since yesterday. AAAAAaasdfghjmhgfds. My entire body is itching and I have to wiggle wiggle my fingers because I can't stand still. I want to run until I reach the end of this damn planet.

   I should go now. I'll do some homework, maybe it'll calm me down.

   I hate Chemistry, I hate it and I don't understand it and I've got problems to solve. I've done 5 so far but I didn't know how to do them, so I looked up the answers at the end of the book. I am stupid. Even if I finished this semester with a 9.73 average. I feel like I have lice in my hair since yesterday.