Today was my last day in this school, in this class. Tomorrow is the prom, we have the exams in two weeks and then everything is over. They will be all gone.
I took laxatives this morning and didn't have the chance to use a bathroom for 8 hours. I was in hell. I started getting the chills around noon (6 hours after taking the pills). I felt cold, sick, nauseated. At some point, the pain was incredible, I couldn't walk. I lived in hell for about two hours. I hope that no one will ever have to experience such pain. The awful thing is, I also had to keep all the shit inside me, but it was so hard. I felt like I would explode. I was sweaty and cold.
As soon as I entered the house, I ran into the bathroom and let it all out. I was praying, thanking God for keeping me alive and clean. My body and clothes were wet. My hair was wet. I must have spent around 15 minutes on the toilet, almost crying, shaking, with my eyes closed. Then I took off my slightly wet shirt and lay on the bed, eyes closed, imagining I was a dying person, because this is what it felt like.
Otherwise, my day was nice.
Tomorrow will be an amazing, but sad, day. I finished the year with a 9.81 (10 being the highest) average, the 4th of my class. We are a genius class.
We also had some ribbons with many layers on which people wrote. 24 out of my 28 classmates wrote on them, but some teachers did, too. My English teacher wrote "Nice, wonderful kid. Stay positive and be lucky. Hugs, teacher" and I had tears in my eyes while she was writing it. She is my favourite teacher, but she isn't coming to our prom... such a shame. My German teacher wrote that she was very proud of me, that I am an amazing person. She was holding back her tears after she finished writing. These days are incredibly emotional, I will never forget them.
Thursday, June 13, 2013
Friday, May 24, 2013
yay
Exactly two years ago, I purged for the first time.
What a fancy, classy, lady-like thing to do. I am extremely proud. Couldn't be happier. Because gaining 10 kilos, shitting blood, not being able to shit without laxes, [and so on and so forth] - all because of an eating disorder - are great things that everyone is dreaming of!
Hooraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay
What a fancy, classy, lady-like thing to do. I am extremely proud. Couldn't be happier. Because gaining 10 kilos, shitting blood, not being able to shit without laxes, [and so on and so forth] - all because of an eating disorder - are great things that everyone is dreaming of!
Hooraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay
Sunday, May 12, 2013
Moving out and dad
Yes, it's been a long time since my last post. No time and motivation to write. I have some news, though. (long post coming up)
I think I've said before that my mother has moved to Bucharest. New job, more money, new people. this was a good change for me, because I've been feeling a lot better since she has left. We see each other two-three days a week, though, sometimes less often. My parents told me that we will move in August. Actually, a few months ago they said I could choose to do whatever I wanted and I said I'd stay at my grandma's. A few weeks ago they told me that my grandma doesn't want to be responsible for me. What the heck? Do I look like a girl who gets drunk and stoned every single day? I was very pissed at my grandma and I still am, but now that I think about it, I would have hated living with her. Old furniture, old people, old mentality. If before I used to see her 6 days a week, now we barely see each other twice a week -- yes, I am avoiding her.
I have been to our apartment (I also hate the transition from a house to an apartment, despite having lived in an apartment before) multiple times before. It's actually a villa with 3 or 4 apartments, there's also an indoors pool. I live next to a bunch of V.I.P's, which is why there are some sort of bodyguards with guns sitting in a car in front of the villa. My parents also said that they'll get me some small pet after moving. Not a dog or a cat, but a mouse or Guinea pig or something. I want a rat. The city is also more modern, because it is the capital. It is the only city in Romania with a subway, which I love.
But just to make this clear, I hate the fact that I have to move there. I would never move to another city in Romania, but I would move to another country like Austria or Germany.
Let's talk about the school now! It is called "Goethe" and people say it's the best German school in Romania. I will not believe this until I get there and see the teachers and the people and so on. If I google the school, I get some really interesting results. One of them is an article called something like "The teachers from Goethe don't know German." -- greaaaaaaat. Then there are 345676587 articles about the parents using fake papers to prove that their kids have German nationalities, which is required in order to be accepted into the school (for the first graders)... I'm not sure whether these papers are mandatory or not, but I know that if you have them, you 100% get accepted. I don't know how I should look at this: a) I will go to a school where most of the students have parents who have handed in fake papers in order to get their kids into this school or b) it's such a good school that parents would do anything to get their kids accepted. I think I'll pick a), just because I hate this entire moving situation. Other than that, I went to the school one week and a half ago, while we were visiting my mom. I went to the school with my 23-year-old female friend, the ex of the pedo 25-year-old (I can't remember writing about this here, but there was this huge argument between him and me+the 23-year-old friend. nevermind). We have both agreed that the school looks like a prison, at least on the outside. I hope that it looks better on the inside. Not to mention the facebook photos of some of the girls in this school - totally pathetic. Anyways, these kind of girls are everywhere, so it will be nothing new.
I DO NOT WANT TO MOVE.
Something horrible happened last night. I looked through some messages between my dad and my mom (don't ask why I do that, I know I shouldn't, but I do not trust them anymore and I need to know if theya re talking about me or about our moving to Bucharest. I am incredibly paranoid about that). There was a text message from mom to dad: "I can't sleep at night, I can't eat, I can't focus at work. How could you do this to me? How could you do this to us? Do you realize how bad this is?" Then he said something like "I have admitted that it is bad. But you can't always blame me and only believe what others say. Not every female person I talk with is someone I also sleep with."
And that tore me apart.
Not because I care so much about our integrity as a family, but because he is a cheater. My dad is a cheater. He is a disgusting person. I remember, when I was five years old, I found a porn video on our computer. Lesbian stuff. Then, sometime in January, I found lots, lots of porn sites in my dad's web history, on his laptop. His laptop broke a few weeks later, and he used my second laptop for a few days. Then he gave it to my uncle to install something on it. After I got the laptop back, I looked at the web history again and found porn, again. I thought "No, not my uncle... he can't be such a disgusting person, too," but then I looked at the date: the beginning of February. It was my dad. I couldn't resist the temptation to find out what exactly he was looking at (not the videos themselves, but you know, the general idea). I found a site with teen porn. That broke my heart and I started crying. And I kept crying for a few days, when I was alone. One night I looked again, more carefully, and found a dating site... well, not actually dating, but more like looking at pictures of naked girls and also having the possibility to contact them. There was only one woman's page that he opened: a woman from our city. Obviously blonde dyed hair. Obviously whore.
The reason why these things affect me so much is because he is a married man with kids. How can he wake up in the morning, look in the mirror and not want to break it? How can he live with himself knowing what he has done? I can't even look at him anymore, he is disgusting me. People like him should be tortured, killed, murdered. I want to make him eat everything I will ever vomit from now on. There was this chinese torture method... Put the person in a huge pool (or something...) with milk and honey, force them to drink a lot; then they have diarrhea and poop into the same place they're drinking from, force them to drink and eat again, then they are eaten by flies. This is what my dad deserves. Disgusting.
I think I've said before that my mother has moved to Bucharest. New job, more money, new people. this was a good change for me, because I've been feeling a lot better since she has left. We see each other two-three days a week, though, sometimes less often. My parents told me that we will move in August. Actually, a few months ago they said I could choose to do whatever I wanted and I said I'd stay at my grandma's. A few weeks ago they told me that my grandma doesn't want to be responsible for me. What the heck? Do I look like a girl who gets drunk and stoned every single day? I was very pissed at my grandma and I still am, but now that I think about it, I would have hated living with her. Old furniture, old people, old mentality. If before I used to see her 6 days a week, now we barely see each other twice a week -- yes, I am avoiding her.
I have been to our apartment (I also hate the transition from a house to an apartment, despite having lived in an apartment before) multiple times before. It's actually a villa with 3 or 4 apartments, there's also an indoors pool. I live next to a bunch of V.I.P's, which is why there are some sort of bodyguards with guns sitting in a car in front of the villa. My parents also said that they'll get me some small pet after moving. Not a dog or a cat, but a mouse or Guinea pig or something. I want a rat. The city is also more modern, because it is the capital. It is the only city in Romania with a subway, which I love.
But just to make this clear, I hate the fact that I have to move there. I would never move to another city in Romania, but I would move to another country like Austria or Germany.
Let's talk about the school now! It is called "Goethe" and people say it's the best German school in Romania. I will not believe this until I get there and see the teachers and the people and so on. If I google the school, I get some really interesting results. One of them is an article called something like "The teachers from Goethe don't know German." -- greaaaaaaat. Then there are 345676587 articles about the parents using fake papers to prove that their kids have German nationalities, which is required in order to be accepted into the school (for the first graders)... I'm not sure whether these papers are mandatory or not, but I know that if you have them, you 100% get accepted. I don't know how I should look at this: a) I will go to a school where most of the students have parents who have handed in fake papers in order to get their kids into this school or b) it's such a good school that parents would do anything to get their kids accepted. I think I'll pick a), just because I hate this entire moving situation. Other than that, I went to the school one week and a half ago, while we were visiting my mom. I went to the school with my 23-year-old female friend, the ex of the pedo 25-year-old (I can't remember writing about this here, but there was this huge argument between him and me+the 23-year-old friend. nevermind). We have both agreed that the school looks like a prison, at least on the outside. I hope that it looks better on the inside. Not to mention the facebook photos of some of the girls in this school - totally pathetic. Anyways, these kind of girls are everywhere, so it will be nothing new.
I DO NOT WANT TO MOVE.
Something horrible happened last night. I looked through some messages between my dad and my mom (don't ask why I do that, I know I shouldn't, but I do not trust them anymore and I need to know if theya re talking about me or about our moving to Bucharest. I am incredibly paranoid about that). There was a text message from mom to dad: "I can't sleep at night, I can't eat, I can't focus at work. How could you do this to me? How could you do this to us? Do you realize how bad this is?" Then he said something like "I have admitted that it is bad. But you can't always blame me and only believe what others say. Not every female person I talk with is someone I also sleep with."
And that tore me apart.
Not because I care so much about our integrity as a family, but because he is a cheater. My dad is a cheater. He is a disgusting person. I remember, when I was five years old, I found a porn video on our computer. Lesbian stuff. Then, sometime in January, I found lots, lots of porn sites in my dad's web history, on his laptop. His laptop broke a few weeks later, and he used my second laptop for a few days. Then he gave it to my uncle to install something on it. After I got the laptop back, I looked at the web history again and found porn, again. I thought "No, not my uncle... he can't be such a disgusting person, too," but then I looked at the date: the beginning of February. It was my dad. I couldn't resist the temptation to find out what exactly he was looking at (not the videos themselves, but you know, the general idea). I found a site with teen porn. That broke my heart and I started crying. And I kept crying for a few days, when I was alone. One night I looked again, more carefully, and found a dating site... well, not actually dating, but more like looking at pictures of naked girls and also having the possibility to contact them. There was only one woman's page that he opened: a woman from our city. Obviously blonde dyed hair. Obviously whore.
The reason why these things affect me so much is because he is a married man with kids. How can he wake up in the morning, look in the mirror and not want to break it? How can he live with himself knowing what he has done? I can't even look at him anymore, he is disgusting me. People like him should be tortured, killed, murdered. I want to make him eat everything I will ever vomit from now on. There was this chinese torture method... Put the person in a huge pool (or something...) with milk and honey, force them to drink a lot; then they have diarrhea and poop into the same place they're drinking from, force them to drink and eat again, then they are eaten by flies. This is what my dad deserves. Disgusting.
Monday, April 22, 2013
Friday, April 19, 2013
I want to put my life on "stand-by"
Three weeks ago I was diagnosed with gastritis. I took some pills for about two weeks. The abdominal pain came back. Now the doctor said I might have Irritable Bowel Sindrome. I'm taking some other pills. Thank you so, so much, eating disorder. The doctor said the gastritis was from stress. Well, if I had gastritis, I think the frequent vomiting would have been the cause. I'm pretty sure. Now I can bet that the IBS is a consequence of 1 1/2 year of misusing laxatives. Thanks again, ED.
I am back to not eating/restricting. I've only eaten on Thursday this week, but then purged anyway. I went to gym twice. I am not exhausted yet. I feel good. But I've been googling stuff like "eating disorder starvation" or "eating disorder consequences" (yeah, I do that... I also google "laxative pain" when I'm on the toilet at 4 AM, shitting bricks, shivering and being in excruciating pain from the laxes). The things I have read were heartbreaking and shocking - not that I hadn't known of them before. starvation consequences, purging consequences. So many "death", "heart attack", "organ failure", but still, here I am, not caring. Actually, there's me and all the other disordered people.
I admire people who have recovered (and that includes you, Stacy). Thinking about the future, I imagine myself as a grown up, happy and healthy, with a huge ED history, but I can't imagine an actual "recovery." Heck, this has only been going on for 2 years and I already have IBS and can't shit on my own and so on. Blah.
"The deadliest of all psychiatric disorders."
I am back to not eating/restricting. I've only eaten on Thursday this week, but then purged anyway. I went to gym twice. I am not exhausted yet. I feel good. But I've been googling stuff like "eating disorder starvation" or "eating disorder consequences" (yeah, I do that... I also google "laxative pain" when I'm on the toilet at 4 AM, shitting bricks, shivering and being in excruciating pain from the laxes). The things I have read were heartbreaking and shocking - not that I hadn't known of them before. starvation consequences, purging consequences. So many "death", "heart attack", "organ failure", but still, here I am, not caring. Actually, there's me and all the other disordered people.
I admire people who have recovered (and that includes you, Stacy). Thinking about the future, I imagine myself as a grown up, happy and healthy, with a huge ED history, but I can't imagine an actual "recovery." Heck, this has only been going on for 2 years and I already have IBS and can't shit on my own and so on. Blah.
"The deadliest of all psychiatric disorders."
Monday, April 8, 2013
Drain
Yes, yes, it's been a long time since my last post. I went away to the National German Olympics. I won the first place in my age group. Basically, in my age group, I'm the best at German. Which is... cool.
I cut my hair shorter again, it's a thing I just randomly do every now and then. I like it.
Tomorrow I'm leaving, I'm going with my family to Budapest, then to Prague. I can't wait to go the Hard Rock Cafes in Budapest and Prague.
I'll also attent an Emilie Autumn concert in August. I have a regular ticket (~28 euros) and a VIP ticket (75 euros), I'm very excited. I'll meet her face-to-face! Yay!
I swear i have no idea what else to say. I used to write such long posts. Now I feel like all my imagination has gone down the drain.
I cut my hair shorter again, it's a thing I just randomly do every now and then. I like it.
Tomorrow I'm leaving, I'm going with my family to Budapest, then to Prague. I can't wait to go the Hard Rock Cafes in Budapest and Prague.
I'll also attent an Emilie Autumn concert in August. I have a regular ticket (~28 euros) and a VIP ticket (75 euros), I'm very excited. I'll meet her face-to-face! Yay!
I swear i have no idea what else to say. I used to write such long posts. Now I feel like all my imagination has gone down the drain.
Sunday, March 24, 2013
Imagine
I simply can't find any time or motivation to blog anymore. I'm too busy with throwing up, taking laxatives, eating, sleeping, doing homework... lots of it. I feel so miserable. How did this happen? You'd think that an eating disorder - which does not include binging, only purging - would make one thinner, skinny. But I somehow managed to go from 58 kg to 64-65. How did this happen? How? I am disappointed. I am incredibly stressed this year, but really? 7 kg? This is not okay...
On a more positive note, I am going to the National Olympics in German. Again. That means, basically, that I'm the best in German in my entire city. Last year I was the 3rd in the whole country (for my age group). All I have to do is write, there are no grammar exercises. Obviously, you have to have good grammar in order to write a story well.
I miss my old self.
On a more positive note, I am going to the National Olympics in German. Again. That means, basically, that I'm the best in German in my entire city. Last year I was the 3rd in the whole country (for my age group). All I have to do is write, there are no grammar exercises. Obviously, you have to have good grammar in order to write a story well.
I miss my old self.
Sunday, March 3, 2013
Done with therapy
I went to therapy on Thursday. My therapist said something like "You don't need to be afraid to tell me that you want to stop coming," but I didn't even want to stop. So she said I shouldn't come anymore, if I don't want to. Honestly, I'm feeling a lot better now.
- ED-wise: I'm not weighing myself anymore. And I'm not gaining/losing, either. But the number on the scale is so depressing, that I'd rather skip seeing it. I'm still throwing up and taking laxatives. Bleah. Looking back, I've gained a lot of weight since my ED behavior started. I weighed 58 kilos, starved myself down to 53 (which lasted for.. 2 days) then baaaang, one year and a half later, 63-64 kilos. I think I only got about 1-2 cm taller, but also gained some muscle weight (since I've been going to gym). But STILL, 10 kilos is a fucking lot. I'm not even overweight. Not even chubby. But I want to be stick-thin so, so badly.
- Cutting-wise: I haven't cut lately. Which is okay, I think. I never thought I could let go of this habit. I'm a bit nostalgic now, though I shouldn't. I remember the desperation, all that chaos in my head. The blood flowing, my fingers going numb, having to hide my scars.
- Relationship-wise: I went out with my ex on Thursday. We're getting along well. I've figured out that there's almost no chance that the two of us will get back together... and it hurts. But, recently, a guy from another class (still my year) is flirting with me. And he seems serious about it, he's not playing. I can't wait to see what this entire thing turns into.
Besides that, I'm no longer talking to the guy from Bucharest, the biker. His girlfriend (whom I'm very good friends with) has found out some weird stuff about him... that he threatened his ex with a knife, that he's sexually obsessed (yeah, I've noticed that, too) and some other stuff. I pushed him away. Not to mention that he got his ex and my friend pregnant (not at the same time) and they've both had to have abortions. Whiiich sucks.
This weekend was okay. Not so much homework. I also got a new phone, it's got a touch screen, so I'm having a hard time typing. Otherwise, I love it.
Have a nice day, I hope everyone is doing okay :)
Sunday, February 24, 2013
149
I don't even know what to blog about anymore. I'm eating, purging, taking lax. I feel like my entire life is about my ED. The first thing I do when I wake up in the morning, instinctively, is to touch my belly. Then I pee, take off my clothes, weigh myself, again, again, put my clothes back on. I wash my teeth. I go into my room and check for updates on the blogs I'm following. I get dressed. I make my bed. I take my backpack and go downstairs. I see some fruit in a basket. "No food today. Or try to eat just a little." I put on my shoes, my jacket, get in the car. I arrive at school. Classes. Sometimes I eat, sometimes I don't. Then I have Romanian/Maths/German tutoring (not because I'm not good at them, I'm actually doing well. But I have exams this summer and all the parents want their kids to get the highest grades). On Thursdays I go to therapy. On Fridays I go home. On a few of these days I go to gym.
As soon as I get home, I eat and eat and eat and purge and take lax and eat some more and purge and don't wash my teeth (it harms the teeth after purging... even more) and go to sleep. Repeat.
On Saturdays and Sundays I do homework, endless assignments and exercises and things to learn.
I am beyond exhausted. I am tired. I want to cry right now because I've been working like hell all week(end) and I'm still not done. I want to die. Shoot me. Now. Please.
My gym membership expired yesterday, so I'm not going to gym this week. There's no time. I need time.
On a more positive note, I'm one book ahead with my 2013 reading challenge - 25 books. I hope I'll read more, though. I am now re-reading Bitterschokolade (bitter chocolate). My German teacher said there are some "inappropriate words." Guess what the words were? Penis and breasts. Jesus. We're not 8 anymore.
All I need now is some time. And a hug. And a pimple-less face. Argh.
As soon as I get home, I eat and eat and eat and purge and take lax and eat some more and purge and don't wash my teeth (it harms the teeth after purging... even more) and go to sleep. Repeat.
On Saturdays and Sundays I do homework, endless assignments and exercises and things to learn.
I am beyond exhausted. I am tired. I want to cry right now because I've been working like hell all week(end) and I'm still not done. I want to die. Shoot me. Now. Please.
My gym membership expired yesterday, so I'm not going to gym this week. There's no time. I need time.
On a more positive note, I'm one book ahead with my 2013 reading challenge - 25 books. I hope I'll read more, though. I am now re-reading Bitterschokolade (bitter chocolate). My German teacher said there are some "inappropriate words." Guess what the words were? Penis and breasts. Jesus. We're not 8 anymore.
All I need now is some time. And a hug. And a pimple-less face. Argh.
Monday, February 11, 2013
The world is wrong
I'm in the middle of my German homework now. Something really weird happened.
Remember a few months ago, when I went to Bucharest, that I met the 24-year-old (now 25) who is in love with me? I also met his girlfriend (who is a sweetheart) and he took us on his motorbike. My parents have, somehow, found out about it. I told no one about this except for my ex, who I'm 100% sure they didn't talk to. And I wrote on this blog about it. I doubt they have found my blog, because otherwise I wouldn't be here anymore. I have this blog for over a year and the things I wrote here would have seriously concerned them, so there's no freakin chance they've found it. Hopefully. The only thing they could've done was read my texts. Which they have done before, so there's no wonder they did it again. I can't trust them.
Yes, I lied to them about who I was going out with, but only because they wouldn't have let me go. Since I was little, they told me not to talk to "strangers" on the internet, because they'll fucking come to our home and rape me and kidnap me and kill me. That's why I never told them that I have a blog (well, more), that I talk to certain people from different countries and so on. I hate them for not respecting my privacy. I have this right. And I will never, ever trust them again.
I'm still taking pills and throwing up and cutting myself. Nothing new.
I hate Bucharest with my entire heart. I reached my highest weight yesterday. Fucking 64.2. I have never been here before. The plan was to go without food for the entire week, but then I said "Ok, let's give it one last freakin chance." So I ate somewhat healthily today. I hate myself. No, wait, I hate them. I want to take all the pills in the world. Also, thanks to Grey's Anatomy, I have found one more way to die. Which is so damn easy and handy... I won't say it here because this isn't a "let's kill ourselves, folks!" blog. It's just so easy to escape this life.
I want to be in someone else's body. I love everything about myself except for my body. I want to take a break. Lax and ibuprofen and sedatives and I'll be just fine..
My therapist doesn't think I have an ED. Oh YES, because people usually abuse laxatives and throw up and go for 5 days without food with no problem! THANK GOD I'm fucking normal, right? I'm just dieting, because this is what you do when you diet, you take lax for one year and a half and throw up and daaamn, you're not only not losing weight, but you are gaining! It is super effective! Try this new, Chanelle-style diet!
Go to hell and burn.
Not to mention that my cuts are just "slips," nothing serious going on.
I hate the world. I have learned one thing during these past few weeks: Don't trust everyone. Question everything you know. If you want to survive in this world, you'll have to ignore what people say, don't be easily influenced, stand up for yourself and for what you believe in.
One of the things that shocked me was my grandpa. He told my brother not to be friends with the boy who has lower grades. How insane/stupid/superficial do you have to be to say that? They are only 8 years old! Of course, never play with that boy, his parents sure as fuck have money for paying his therapists in the future! I'm sure he'll need one, since he'll be ignored and laughed at at school. The world changes person by person. If my brother starts ignoring the boy, the entire class will. Just imagine. I started yelling at my grandpa when he said that. I wanted to cry. Imagine an 8-year-old crying, sitting alone and being avoided by all his classmates, only because his grades aren't as high as expected. This is called cruelty.
I'm going back to my homework now. Have a nice day/evening/whatever...
Remember a few months ago, when I went to Bucharest, that I met the 24-year-old (now 25) who is in love with me? I also met his girlfriend (who is a sweetheart) and he took us on his motorbike. My parents have, somehow, found out about it. I told no one about this except for my ex, who I'm 100% sure they didn't talk to. And I wrote on this blog about it. I doubt they have found my blog, because otherwise I wouldn't be here anymore. I have this blog for over a year and the things I wrote here would have seriously concerned them, so there's no freakin chance they've found it. Hopefully. The only thing they could've done was read my texts. Which they have done before, so there's no wonder they did it again. I can't trust them.
Yes, I lied to them about who I was going out with, but only because they wouldn't have let me go. Since I was little, they told me not to talk to "strangers" on the internet, because they'll fucking come to our home and rape me and kidnap me and kill me. That's why I never told them that I have a blog (well, more), that I talk to certain people from different countries and so on. I hate them for not respecting my privacy. I have this right. And I will never, ever trust them again.
I'm still taking pills and throwing up and cutting myself. Nothing new.
I hate Bucharest with my entire heart. I reached my highest weight yesterday. Fucking 64.2. I have never been here before. The plan was to go without food for the entire week, but then I said "Ok, let's give it one last freakin chance." So I ate somewhat healthily today. I hate myself. No, wait, I hate them. I want to take all the pills in the world. Also, thanks to Grey's Anatomy, I have found one more way to die. Which is so damn easy and handy... I won't say it here because this isn't a "let's kill ourselves, folks!" blog. It's just so easy to escape this life.
I want to be in someone else's body. I love everything about myself except for my body. I want to take a break. Lax and ibuprofen and sedatives and I'll be just fine..
My therapist doesn't think I have an ED. Oh YES, because people usually abuse laxatives and throw up and go for 5 days without food with no problem! THANK GOD I'm fucking normal, right? I'm just dieting, because this is what you do when you diet, you take lax for one year and a half and throw up and daaamn, you're not only not losing weight, but you are gaining! It is super effective! Try this new, Chanelle-style diet!
Go to hell and burn.
Not to mention that my cuts are just "slips," nothing serious going on.
I hate the world. I have learned one thing during these past few weeks: Don't trust everyone. Question everything you know. If you want to survive in this world, you'll have to ignore what people say, don't be easily influenced, stand up for yourself and for what you believe in.
One of the things that shocked me was my grandpa. He told my brother not to be friends with the boy who has lower grades. How insane/stupid/superficial do you have to be to say that? They are only 8 years old! Of course, never play with that boy, his parents sure as fuck have money for paying his therapists in the future! I'm sure he'll need one, since he'll be ignored and laughed at at school. The world changes person by person. If my brother starts ignoring the boy, the entire class will. Just imagine. I started yelling at my grandpa when he said that. I wanted to cry. Imagine an 8-year-old crying, sitting alone and being avoided by all his classmates, only because his grades aren't as high as expected. This is called cruelty.
I'm going back to my homework now. Have a nice day/evening/whatever...
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