Saturday, June 9, 2012

The 8th of June

The 8th of June, 2011

  On that day, we were texting. You asked if I we would meet after class and I agreed. You asked if I would save you some chewing gum and I said I will. You asked me if you'd get anything else from me besides the chewing gum. I knew what you were talking about, so I agreed.
   On that day, we bought a beer and went behind a bank to drink it. It was a shadowed place, full of trees. After we finished, we stood up and started walking away. You asked me if I didn't forget anything. I said no and walked towards you. You asked me, "Right here?" I answered, "Right here." You came closer to me and put your hands around my waist. I closed my eyes and our lips touched, your tongue into my mouth, the warm summer wind, the birds, the trees. I never wanted that kiss to end. But it did, eventually.
   On that day, you asked me to do it again on the next day, if I had liked it. I said I did like it.

The 8th of June, 2012

   As soon as the first class begins, someone opens the door but doesn't walk in. They close the door back. The teacher goes to check who it was. A few minutes later, I get a text message. "I accidentally went to your classroom :))" I answer, "Was that you?! =))"
   It was you again. It's always you, the person who puts a smile on my face no matter what. If you did that on purpose, only to have a reason to text me.. Well, I doubt that.

   Later, around 6 o'clock, I texted you. "Would it be too inappropriate if I said 'happy anniversary'? :)) How are you?" but I didn't get an answer.

   At 9 o'clock, I took down my bracelets, put my blade, pills and the teddy I got from you in my backpack and went outside. It was already dark at 9:30, I was walking down your street. I knew what I was about to do. Unexpectedly, I see you come in my direction. You were with another person, a guy. I walk faster, pretend to not know you. I recognize the other guy. It was my ex. The one that brought me in the eating disorder-depression-more area. How funny, meeting with two of my exes.

(I'll refer to the first ex as "R" and my guy, the one I broke up with last week, as "B")

R: Look, it's the blonde.
Me: (silence..) Hey.
R: Hey? :)) What are you doing here?
Me: I was taking a walk
R: Are you emo now, or what? (I was wearing all black clothes)
Me: Maybe you are emo, haha
R: You haven't changed.. still acting like a slick person
Me: Fine, okay.

   And we each go in different directions from then. I take out my laxatives, ten of them. Swallow them with water. I take out the Nurofen. Twelve pills, 400 mg each, totaling 4800 mg. The maximum amount you are allowed to take? 1200 mg. Sure, I'll take them all then. Swallow, quickly, the pills are huge.
   Quarter to ten. Fifteen minutes left. I walk in the opposite direction. I go behind the house, the place we used to meet and kiss and talk and love each other. I take out the razor, cut. Put some blood on the wall.
   After that, I went behind the bank, in the shadowed place. It was extremely dark, no light, no nothing. I was scared. That is the place where we had our first kiss. I violently slice through my wrist, cutcutcut, the blood starts to flow and I run home. Before I enter, I notice my hand is full of blood, my phone is full of blood. how am I going to do this? I enter the house, quickly go into the bathroom and check my bolero, it is soaked with blood. Despite it (the bolero jacket) being black, I clearly see the red blood on it. I take it down and squeeze it under the water. Lots of red blood is coming.
   It took me 15 minutes to stop the bleeding.

                            The 8th of June will never be forgotten, no matter the year. I've been loving you since that day and always will.


  1. Its strange how things change so fast..isn't it ?
    Anyways, don't let anything make you feel down strong and just know that there are people who care for you and worry about you (i am one of them) have you been ?

  2. Yes, it is strange..

    I would be lying if I said I was fine, but you know.. I'm trying to be okay. :)