Sunday, June 17, 2012


   I have accidentally commented on a friend's blog using this account. My ED-blog account. Fuck my life. I deleted the comment, commented again using the other account. Now, my profile is kind of hidden/non-existent, because I am so damn paranoid. I am very stupid today, I just broke a bottle of nail polish remover. Clumsy as always.

   I went to a friend's birthday party yesterday. We danced a lot, hands in the air, hot moves, loud music, gas and lights all over the place. Flirty-lesbo mood, thank God there were many people. We were dancing too close to each other, legs touching, eyes staring at each other. The slow dances came, all the boys and girls were dancing randomly with each other. I sat on the couch, my heart crying. I always imagine myself doing romantic things with him, things that he never gave to me, or did so very rarely.

   I ate two slices of pizza ("Fuck this shit, I'll take lax"), snacks, lots of coke and water. Two champagne glasses. Thank God the music was so loud you couldn't hear your own thoughts. I discreetly walked into the bathroom, fingers down my throat, purge purge purge. Champagne and water and coke, that's all that came out. Alcohol is the easiest thing to purge, because it tastes gross when it comes out, therefore simplifying the process. I cleaned the WC, wiped my mouth, cleaned my face, hair and forearms -- all full of vomit and acid and shit. I made sure I looked pretty again. My throat was a mess. I went back and danced, danced like crazy, because purging makes you feel weird and even drunker. I could not move my legs, they were shaking, my body was shaking.

   It was the first time I purged in a public toilet.

   Then I smoked a bit. I must say that I am not a smoker, nor do I think smoking is "cool". But it is definitely something I could do for the rest o my life because
a) it's not good for your health (therefore endangers your life, yay!)
b) it leaves a weird taste in your mouth, after which you don't feel like eating
c) it's an appetite suppressant, and even the fact that you believe this makes you not need to eat. It's psychological.
d) I look so damn hot when I smoke.

   Okay, the last one was a joke. As soon as I got home, I took the last 10 laxatives (When did I get here? I used to take 10 lax per weekend, now it's 30). The fact that I've eaten breaks my heart, everything was perfect. But still, I have only eaten on 3 days this week: Wednesday, Saturday and Sunday (today). It was my best week ever, I have always wished to do this. 3 food, 4 non-food (out of which one was liquids only). Weight loss? Yes. I am looking forward to tomorrow. Praying to stay food-less.

   My posts are so long, I know, but I have so many things to say. Anyways, I am done for now, so I'll see you around later.

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