Sabotage

   I am very disappointed.

   I went to my grandmother to avoid food, and guess what? I gained weight. Everyone is against me. My mother brought me food. My grandma cooked tons of food. What the heck is wrong with everyone? why does everyone want to feed me? Maybe because eating is a normal thing, well, NO.

   On Tuesday, I have talked to "my guy" and asked him to go out sometime. He said sure, "maybe tomorrow, we'll see, I'm a bit busy today" and I agreed. Well, let me tell you, we haven't spoken since. I started crying on Wednesday night. I put on the song I listened to after our break up, and I still listen to it. Here it is. And this song  made me whisper screams and hit my bed and scratch my skin, thank God I was home alone. I threw away my phone and the teddy bear I have from him -- I still sleep with it every night. I started crying and couldn't breathe. After that. I watched Army Wives. There was a scene where the camera slowly showed all the couples, some kissing, being happy. I started crying even harder and yelling at them, swearing, asking them why they can be happy with someone and I can't.

   What followed after that was me going into the bathroom and taking my blade. I took my bracelets off. The old scares healed (there was only a red area left, but no scratches or open cuts). I started cutting and cutting and it started to hurt. "This time I'll kill myself. I will cut deep, cut my vein." I cut deeper and deeper, the deepest I have ever cut. Thick, red blood was flowing. I started crying again. I stopped the bleeding and washed my face. "I need Nurofen." But I didn't have any.

   On Thursday, right before my therapy appointment, I bought Nurofen and some more laxatives, just in case. I took the entire 2400 mg Nurofen. I told my therapist all that happened, the cutting and crying and being suicidal and, what she thinks is worst, about the Nurofen. She told me I had a depression, I smiled and said "No, I don't," while I was thinking "Hell yeah I do." I hate admitting that I might have some problems. I hate hate hate. Deny deny deny. she told me I should see the psychiatrist again, I told her that I won't, because she'll say that I am just fine. This happened last time.

    Of course it motherfucking happened. If I only see the psychiatrist a few weeks later, of course the symptoms are all gone and I am feeling better, therefore everyone thinks I am all shiny and happy. It's unavoidable.

   I am home now. I'll go back to my grandma's next week.

   Fuck this shit I need to die go to hell now, now, now, hate hate hate, schizo ocd aspie fuck damn mental illness syndrome all this must be gone i need to die and stop thinking, my mind is racing i have written a poem might post it later, gonna die die die now, can't stop typing can't stop thinking it's so damn warm i am sweaty it's all hot can't motherfucking stop need to stop stop stop post this shit and go kill yourself