Tuesday, June 19, 2012

"There is, in the end, the letting go."

   I have stuck to my plan. Monday, Tuesday: water. Tomorrow we're going to the mall, where I will eat some boiled rice with veggies from Yummy Yang. I need it because I'll be tired by tomorrow (fuck you, warmth) and because I need the energy for Thursday, when we'll have the theater play. That will be a water day, followed by a liquid day on Friday, which is when I'll finish school.. After that, I'll pray to God that everything goes alright.

   I have made the decision to let him go. To let everything go, because I feel hopeless. He never initiates a conversation, though he seems to want to talk to me when I initiate one. I told him we could hang out, he agreed. Despite that, it never happened. He never calls or textes me or whatever..

   I hate the fact that he's moved on so quickly, that he acts like he never cared about me, when I would have taken my heart out of my chest and put it on fire -- all for him. He acts like I do not even exist, everything while I cry my lungs out and bleed in the bathroom and take Nurofen overdoses which make my therapist want to send me to the psychiatrist again ("There's no point in that, she won't prescribe anything, because she will say that my condition is not serious enough, again"). And I spend three hours at the gym and starve myself and stick my fingers/toothbrush down my throat and take too many laxatives. All these because I want to self-destruct myself, because he was the only person I woke up in the morning for and now I do not have a reason to live. And all these things slowly (or quickly, who knows) kill me, I know they do and this is why I do them. A way to kill myself that won't be flat out called suicide.

   Therefore, my decision is to let you go. I will let you go, because I need to focus on something else; I need to focus on my self-destruction.  I am letting you go.

1 comment:

  1. don't need any reason to used to live for you've decided to let him for yourself now..make yourself the reason to live if you really need a reason to live
    Be strong...