I was eating. More and more and more. I looked at myself in the mirror. Big belly. Fat. Ugly. "I need to throw up.. but I can't, I know it won't come out."
I look at my left hand. The "51" (goal weight) I wrote with a green pen was barely visible anymore.
I swear, this was the weirdest dream I have ever had. A night before, I have thrown up after a long time of not doing it. I was afraid I won't be able to do it, but it was successful. On the same night, I wrote "51" with a green pen on my left hand. Somewhere in between dreaming and waking up, I clearly remember this phrase: "I fucked up again.. Mondays are always a disaster. I always ruin my perfect weeks with these Mondays."
The first thing I did after waking up was check my left hand. The "51" was still there. My first thought: "Thank God.. I didn't eat. It was a dream. I did not ruin this day."
I have not eaten or drunk anything but water since Sunday. I am getting thinner, slimmer, lighter. Weaker, exhausted, sick, dead. I am physically messed up, but I have the mental "high" that some of us get after not eating/purging.
I have even talked to B. (kind of ex-bf, keep that in mind if you're reading my blog regularly, I'll refer to him as B.) today, it went so well. He even asked me about my summer plans, he showed interest in something about me. Earlier this afternoon, I was walking home from school. He was waiting for his bus. He was leaning on something, he saw me. I saw him. We both smiled and as I got nearer to him, he waved and I said "Hey!" I kept smiling until I got home. That smile coming from him made my day.
He keeps me going. He keeps me away from food and all these things that I feel are bad for me. I have still cut everyday since our break up. I no longer feel sad about it, because, even though we talk less often now, our conversations are so.. perfect. But I cut because I have to. I feel that I need to show him an improved version of myself in order to have him back. This means not eating, being weak, cutting, taking pills. This is what I think is special about me, what defines me. And if we'll get back together, I'll tell him that, if he is to take me back, he has to take me together with my "things." It's not a condition I set for our relationship -- but more like a warning. I want him to know that I won't quit cutting just because he tells me to. I want him to understand that I need time and change.
I need him.
Running towards a better me.. Will I ever get there?