Tuesday, January 17, 2012

- Chapter 1 - Part THREE.

   This is the third part of the first chapter. The previous part can be found here.


          The floor I'm now lying on is so damn cold, and I can't help but stay here and wait. Wait for the thoughts, the memories to to go away. Wait for a change. What change? I do not want a change. I'm petrified, my mind is somehow frozen, not to mention my goosebumped, paler-than-ever skin.
            It suddenly hits me: it wasn't normal. It wasn't good, I shouldn't have gone through that. I could not tell anyone about this and, actually, I was not even supposed to do so. It was my secret. Mine! I finally knew something no one else knew, and that was not going to change. Or maybe I forgave them too soon, because \God taught us to forgive, and that's what I've done. If it was right or wrong, I don't know. My mind has gone through lots of challenges.
            So has my body. One night I went into my grandfather's bathroom and took his shaving razor blade. My hand was shaking, due to both excitement and fear. I started shivering as it touched my skin. It was cold.
            "I'm not sure if I should do this," my nine-year-old inner voice said. My confusion was obvious, even to myself.
Five minutes later, I was still holding the cold and soulless object. I feel an itching on my wrist. I look down. Scarlet blood.
            I had a fourteen-year-old friend, she was a cutter. I can't remember if she was bragging about it or just telling me, but I know I started doing it after that. I told her.
            I felt angry, yet guilty. "You have no reason to do it. I have real problems, that's why I do it," she tried to convince me it was not worth it. Despite knowing it was somehow true, I was sad. I did not listen to her. After all, I found a new way to cope and nothing was going to stop me very soon.. Which, if you ask me, woud be considered "such a shame" (or waste of time and blood) by everyone else. But I do not regret anything now. Why would I?

Edit: The next part can be found here.

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