Saturday, April 28, 2012

I am free.

   I have not eaten anything on Monday. No gum, no coke, nothing. On the rest of the days, I had coke zero*, hot chocolate (~97 cals), Activia (~130?) and chewing gum (2 cals). I have not eaten solid foods. I am down four kilos - I am lighter than I was in May 2011, and all this because of five no-solid-food days. I feed myself with the smell of food, with watching food, hearing about food, touching it. But not putting it my mouth and consuming it.
*The coke zero can said that 330 ml is 0.7 calories. The 500 ml said it is 0.5. I do not know which one is accurate, because a smaller quantity of something can't have more calories than a bigger quantity of the same thing. I will suppose that 500 ml is one calorie and that's it.

   Someone said that my eyes were yellow.. because they are. My head is spinning every time I get up, I need to hold on to something when going up/downstairs, because I am afraid that I'll stumble and fall. I am exhausted.
But you know what?
I am good.

   The worse I feel physically, the better I feel mentally. I have only cut once, not binged/purged at all, not taken a single laxative. I only thought of taking Nurofen again because I felt depressed, but I just waited for it to pass. Same with hunger. Want to eat anything? Fine, you'll drink something later.. and the hunger/craving for food passes.

   It is Saturday afternoon, I just came from the gym. I have drunk Activia and some milk with cocoa. I have burned 600. I am nowhere near hungry, though my stomach started to make some noise earlier. I am not hungry. I am empty. After a while, you just stop being hungry. You open the fridge (which is full of crap) and all you can think is "Meh. Nothing to do here." and then you fly into your room. I was full of energy when I entered the gym. Five days without food and I was more energetic than ever, hypomanic, I tied my shoelaces faster than ever, quickly drunk some water, went on the elliptical and burned 200 calories in 19 minutes.
Maybe this is the "fasting-high." Even now I feel like reading and writing and playing The Sims 2 and watching Grey's Anatomy and I know that I'll make it through the day with little food (BBQ tonight).

   No food, no pain, no gain. I weighed 54.9 kg in the morning. Down three-four kilos.

   I am good, I am happy. I feel on top of the world, I have done something I have not done in ages. I am back to what I want to be. All the mess has gone, the eating, the purging, the pain. I even look in the mirror and see a difference, though it's not enough. And this time I know I can do so much better. I know that I can break any limit, be it physical or mental/emotional. I can do it, I can make myself feel good without using food.

   But I am never actually free. Of anything.

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