Sunday, April 29, 2012

Once broken; forever broken.

[I am in the backyard, lying on the swing, protected from the sun. I can not blog from my phone neither on blogspot nor on wordpress, so I am writing this on my e-mail.]

   Eat some M&M's, eat pistachio, chocolate, corn flakes. "Get out" I scream in my head, but it is so ignorable. I eat and eat and eat. Get some croissants, stick them in Finetti, shove them down your throat, quickly. Eat potatoes, tomatoes, cheese, some more chocolate, some more M&M's, energy drink. All these after a proper meal; an egg, green onion, tomatoes. Eat, eat, eat. Binge binge binge. 
   Not purging is out of the question. I have taken 13 laxatives before all this.

   I go upstairs, wait for the people to leave, let the water run. Close the door, get off my clothes, wash my hands, "fuck you", purge. Acid is burning my throat. Purge more. I pick at my skin while purging. Lots of solid food with barely any liquids. It looks like shit, real shit, not vomit. Black, thick. Disgusting. My hand is full of vomit, but I can't wash it - if it looks disgusting, I purge more easily. "Look at that. All that is inside you."

   Finish the purge, clean. Wash face, rinse mouth. Brother comes in. "Get out!" I am in my bra, thank God there is no vomit around. I purged with the door unlocked. It could have been the biggest mistake of my life.

   Get dressed, clean some more, get out. Acid burns my throat. My stomach is flatter, it is back to the desired size. Nearly almost kind of but not really the size it was before eating. Maybe flatter. Acid burns my throat. My head hurts. Acid burns my throat. I am in Wonderland. Acid burns my throat. No scratches on my hand. Acid burns my throat. I'm flying to a parallel universe; I'm going to sleep. Acid burns my throat. Laxative time soon. Acid fucks my throat. I'm not sleeping tonight. 

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