I can't even describe what I am feeling right now. Mentally, I am numb. I don't know if I am happy or sad or depressed or God knows what. I just.. am. Something.
But physically.. Physically, I am dead. I have been purging daily these days; both throwing up and taking laxatives. My head is spinning, it aches awfully. I finished the purge a few minutes ago. I could not stand on my feet anymore. I lay on the bathroom floor, naked, toothbrush in one hand. My heart was beating fast. My head was heavy, my eyes were sore and closed, I could not breathe because of my runny nose. I felt like I had run one billion kilometers. My throat hurts like hell and my voice is hoarse.
I am dead. Or at least, I wish I were.
I feel lonely. I want someone to hug me and tell me that yes, I am stupid, but that it is okay to be like that. I need... I don't know what I nee, what I want, everything seems unreal. I do not believe in the world, I do not believe that I exist, that I am writing these things. It's all fiction, it's all fantasy, we do not exist. I'm mad.
We're all mad.
Edit: This is the 100th post. How very nice.
I'm so sorry to hear you are struggling. My heart really goes out to you, and I just wanted to send you a virtual hug (*hugs*), and let you know I'm thinking about you. Can you identify a possible trigger for the recent purging? You are not stupid. You are hurting, and I feel your pain. You are not alone, but together, we CAN get through this. Sending positive thoughts your way...
ReplyDelete*hugs back*
ReplyDeleteI think the main reason for my purging is that I kind of hate most things about me, so everything is too much. My body, my food intake, my laziness, my lack of motivation. And when all these are inside me, I eat more and more, despite not being hungry. At least I'll be seeing my therapist tomorrow, she's been gone for three weeks but we've been e-mailing, though it's not the same as an actual face-to-face discussion.
Thanks for your words, they mean a lot.