Thursday, May 24, 2012


   These days have been awful. There is this promise that you make after every single binge, every single purge: I hate myself, I fucking swear I'm never eating anything again in my entire life, I want to die.

   The next day, you have some food, then some more and a little bit more. You are still okay, but then you think "a little more won't do any harm," so you eat a bit more. Soon, you realize what you have just done: You have eaten food. So you start to binge and binge, because you will purge anyways. You make the weirdest mixtures ever, croissants with cheese, toast with cheese, cheese with ketchup, some cereals, some chips, a yogurt, strawberries, tomatoes, some Sprite and Coke, some water, some bread, chocolate, corn flakes, musli, green onion, cucumber, three types of ice cream, croissants with finetti, M&M's, waffles, energy drink: a bit of everything, but it only looks real after you write it down and see it has taken you three rows, all of which is food you eat during one single binge. It is funny enough if you manage to throw it up (though you never get to throw up everything). But wait a minute! It is hilarious when you eat that much food without managing to purge it. Then you cry and cut and are desperate because you only ate that much food because you knew you were going to throw up, but failed.

   That's when I lose control. Because I can't control my body, I can only control my thoughts. Or the other way around. Sometimes I can control my body (hunger/throw up) but can't control my thoughts (eat eat eat, fat fat fat). Sometimes I can't control my body (I can't make myself purge), but I can always control my thoughts (eat eat eat). Thing is, I do not control my thoughts and my body starts listening to them.
   Today was an exception. My first plan was, obviously, this: No fucking food. Everything went well until I entered the house and lost control: I ate the top layer of a plate with cream of wheat. Thoughts: I broke my promise. I lost control. Next thought: Let's lose control again, but this time, control how much you lose control.

   Which I did. I planned it clearly: Eat the plate with the cream. Then milk with cereal. Then strawberries. 
I changed my mind after that: Cream of wheat. Salad (onions, tomatoes, cucumber, cheese). Strawberries.

   And it went alright. I had some vanilla milk after, because that was planned longer ago. It is 10 pm, I have eaten, I did not motherfucking binge, I am alright. I want to see some results in the morning. This is the first "normal" night in such a long time. I do not want to purge. I know I would not be able to, either.

   Today was a perfect chaos.