Saturday, May 26, 2012

The quiet place

   Three days of eating normally. Three days with no binge, no throwing up (or attempting to), only laxatives on Friday and gym on Friday and Saturday morning (today). It has been so different. I planned what to eat. I stuck to my plans and everything went well.
   I lost weight while eating, which seemed totally impossible until now. I knew it was possible for everyone else, just not for me. I have eaten more today, since it is a weekend-day and I am home. But I went to the gym, burned 600 calories and first ate at four o'clock in the afternoon. I came home and ate a little more, then had a proper dinner. I feel full now, but not a "God, I could explode anytime now," but more like "It is okay, I have eaten, and even if the scale shows a major gain, I know it is food weight and even more water weight. I will not eat anything else, not because I feel I have eaten too much* binged, but because I feel satiated."

*I feel I have eaten too much. First, in the "anything-above-zero-is-too-much" way, but I can live with that for now. Secondly, I feel bloated and uncomfortable, but I pray to God it will pass and that I won't wake up and freak out because the scale shows too much.

   I weighed 57.3 this morning, after the laxatives. Since laxative loss quickly comes back, I should be around 57.5, and because I have eaten more today, maybe somewhere around 57.7-.8, because right after eating I weighed 58.9, but I hope I will lose at least one kilo overnight.. That's how it works when I don't binge. One thing I always thought, but never actually said: Eating disorders help you practice Maths.

   I want to play World of Warcraft. I played for an hour at school, it is exactly the same as The Age of Empires (the version I used to play in 2004-2005.. such a long time ago), but instead of humans, it has monsters. I don't like the creatures so much, but I'd love to try something new.

   I should also write some more Random Journal Entries. Just.. not now.

    Check out the quiet place.


  1. glad to see you're doing so well !!! by the way the quite place is amazing :)

  2. I just read your comment on my blog and I'm so happy to hear you are having "almost-normal" days. Soon those days will turn into "normal" days, and before long, they will be just ordinary days. Do not give up. There WILL come a day when you just melt down and say enough is enough, you want a better life, and will do what it takes to get there. Maybe you are not ready yet, and that's okay. I wasn't ready for a very long time, but when that day comes, I promise you, you will take the bull by its horns and not let go.

    P.S. I love your blog as well. I read it all the time, just don't comment. :-) Keep writing.