Real

   Today I was oscillating between "no food", "liquids only" and "let's eat normally." I ended up choosing the last one, because my metabolism maybe needs some food to keep working well, and I want it to work well. So I ate and ate, not much, but still too much. I went home and tried to throw up for a few minutes, panicking after failing. I drank water - loads of it, and vomited hands-free. For the first time in my life, without even meaning to. Then I threw up in the sink. Then in the bathtub. It came up so easily. 

   

   It was the first time ever in my life, that vomiting felt like vomiting, not purging. 

   If you know what I mean. It was so liquid and splashed around in the bathtub, I saw the spaghetti and God knows what brownish thing.. I felt sick, like "car-sick"-sick. It felt natural. It felt real. 

   It is 8:30 and I am home alone. I have a semester paper tomorrow. I want to go to college abroad, far away from my parents. I don't want to see them anymore. I haven't spoken to her since yesterday, neither have I seen her. It feels so quiet and peaceful. All I need is to be left alone. I am getting along well with my dad. I can't be upset with him, despite having fought for and hour with him yesterday. And I can't stand her, despite what I said above. I want her gone. It's me or her.